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Feb. 23rd, 2004 01:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sua_layNew week, old rants. I decided on dedicating this week on some criticism and ranting. So every day, I'll try to rant about fic.
You can see how sick I really am. Yes. Ranting. Raving.
Here's the rant for Monday. Read at your own risk!
Today's rant is about LOTR slash. Especially the elf centered slash.
Oh, I've read most of the stuff there is. The masochistic strike in me drove me to browse through most elf archives and sites.
I know. Insane.
My first problem with elf slash comes with the charactarization of elves. To make them Tolkienish with their aloofness and beauty and make them really stuffy and boring or to make them act like anyone with slight pomp? Well, most people can't decide on that. They jump from insane levity to mile long declarations and flowery speech. Then back to frantic sex. Yes. Very nice.
Then of course there are the cliches. Let's start with the Imladris elves. Elrond is always wise beyond his whatever. Erestor's shy with a 'past'. Usually he was actually a big spy/warrior/lover instead of the scribe and scolar we've been shown. Glorfindel's a moody warrior with weird sense of humor. And yes, the one from Gondolin, who died and came back. The one whose name is usually impossible to type correctly. Elladan and Elrohir are friendly and young and moody and bent on annihilation of the orcs. Still they have the time to shag each other crazy and act like idiots. Arwen is an ice queen. Celebrian was wise and beautiful and perfect and really easy to forget after a very good shag.
Mirkwood elves. Legolas of course is a slut, who would shag anyone. Except the character he has most chemistry with in the book because he's a hairy wart. Or then he's the classic kidnap victim, getting raped and tortured in every other fic, crying like a baby afterwards in either Aragorn's or Boromir's arms. Nice. Thranduil is usually a moody and somewhat insane man who hates everyone because his father's death was all their fault. Or then he's a slut like his son. Must be a family trait.
Oh! Lothlorien elves! Celeborn, the great lord of the woods seems to be perfectly happy abusing his position by using his people. Galadriel is a voyeur and especially likes watching her hubby shagging others. Of course the idea of her actually enjoying sex is disgusting, unless it's in a threesome. Haldir's a pompous ass. And a slut. His brothers Orophin and Rumil are young and childish. Also pompous and slutty.
That brings me to racial description. Ethereal, beautiful, somehow 'above mere mortals'. Who are all pure and good and fade away if harmed. That seems to include rape. Of course they can spend decades in a war or have petty jealouses without fading. They can mistreat each other without fading. They can lose loved ones without fading.
Such great creatures they are! One would expect they act accordingly! What? They don't? I have read elves raping each other, playing heavy BDSM which borders non con. They kill each other and hurt each other. They squabble like idiots. Get really drunk and have orgies in so called 'serious' fic. They have nothing better to do than to meddle in each other's business. Usually acting like teenagers who think playing matchmaker is really a good idea.
Oh! The age. So the elves live for thousands and thousands of years. Some even seem to act their age, being dull and stuffy. Using words and sentences only someone loving the Silmarillion would even comprehend. Of course they usually just act like they're around fifteen. And girls. But hey, they look kinda girly, so what the hell! Even those who are fierce warriors spend most of their time crying and whining. Or maybe that's just Legolas.
The elven mating habits. They are various of course. Sometimes the first kiss or first touch bond them so tight that they are forever joined together. Then again they can shag like bunnies and never commit to anyone. Elves are noble and pure who would sprout flowery speech for centuries without ever even dreaming of a kiss. Then they can shag and shag and shag and shag...
The thing that really bugs me off about elf slash is the language. Let me demonstrate what I mean:
1. Legolas smiled at Gimli. "Of course, melamin." He said it loud enough for all the elves around to hear, enjoying the gasps of horror his words brought forth.
2. "Lirimaer, I have missed you!" Erestor gasped as Glorfindel touched his cheek gently. "I have prayed the Valar every day that I would once again see your face on this Arda!"
Okay. The first example I have no problems with. Legolas talks in the common tongue with Gimli, but uses his own language to emphasize something. It's a nice way for him to show everyone just how he cares about him. The second thing however... Erestor's an elf. Glorfindel's an elf. I assume they speak... Er... Can't remember if it's Quenya or Sindarin. But whichever. So everything they say is in elvish. If people want to show off with their elvish, have them write all the dialogue in it! Otherwise it just sounds really stupid!
And about sounding stupid... What the hell is so appealing in using idiotic nicknames? Especially with elves. Elrond, Glorfindel, Erestor, Haldir, Elladan and Elrohir are elves from LotR. Who the hell are Rondie, Fin (or Glory), Restor, Dir, El (or Dan) and Rohir? Can I please vomit right now?
My conclusion about elf slash: There are good stories. Yes, there are. But for some unfortunate reason, there are hundreds of crappy fics. Most longer stories I've read have absolutely no charactarization, too many pairings and they make little sense. Euphemisms used in sex are usually really stupid. From flowery descriptions to someone's straining elfhood. Thousands of years old people acting like teenagers (are all authors under 18 here?). Bad storylines, bad sex, bad everything.
And people send the authors fanmail, actually encouraging this?
Okay. End of rant. A new one coming up tomorrow.
I really wanna go to the gym tomorrow, but can't with this stupid flu. Will just lie here and watch more Xena. Am almost through the season one. Five more seasons to go.
You can see how sick I really am. Yes. Ranting. Raving.
Here's the rant for Monday. Read at your own risk!
Today's rant is about LOTR slash. Especially the elf centered slash.
Oh, I've read most of the stuff there is. The masochistic strike in me drove me to browse through most elf archives and sites.
I know. Insane.
My first problem with elf slash comes with the charactarization of elves. To make them Tolkienish with their aloofness and beauty and make them really stuffy and boring or to make them act like anyone with slight pomp? Well, most people can't decide on that. They jump from insane levity to mile long declarations and flowery speech. Then back to frantic sex. Yes. Very nice.
Then of course there are the cliches. Let's start with the Imladris elves. Elrond is always wise beyond his whatever. Erestor's shy with a 'past'. Usually he was actually a big spy/warrior/lover instead of the scribe and scolar we've been shown. Glorfindel's a moody warrior with weird sense of humor. And yes, the one from Gondolin, who died and came back. The one whose name is usually impossible to type correctly. Elladan and Elrohir are friendly and young and moody and bent on annihilation of the orcs. Still they have the time to shag each other crazy and act like idiots. Arwen is an ice queen. Celebrian was wise and beautiful and perfect and really easy to forget after a very good shag.
Mirkwood elves. Legolas of course is a slut, who would shag anyone. Except the character he has most chemistry with in the book because he's a hairy wart. Or then he's the classic kidnap victim, getting raped and tortured in every other fic, crying like a baby afterwards in either Aragorn's or Boromir's arms. Nice. Thranduil is usually a moody and somewhat insane man who hates everyone because his father's death was all their fault. Or then he's a slut like his son. Must be a family trait.
Oh! Lothlorien elves! Celeborn, the great lord of the woods seems to be perfectly happy abusing his position by using his people. Galadriel is a voyeur and especially likes watching her hubby shagging others. Of course the idea of her actually enjoying sex is disgusting, unless it's in a threesome. Haldir's a pompous ass. And a slut. His brothers Orophin and Rumil are young and childish. Also pompous and slutty.
That brings me to racial description. Ethereal, beautiful, somehow 'above mere mortals'. Who are all pure and good and fade away if harmed. That seems to include rape. Of course they can spend decades in a war or have petty jealouses without fading. They can mistreat each other without fading. They can lose loved ones without fading.
Such great creatures they are! One would expect they act accordingly! What? They don't? I have read elves raping each other, playing heavy BDSM which borders non con. They kill each other and hurt each other. They squabble like idiots. Get really drunk and have orgies in so called 'serious' fic. They have nothing better to do than to meddle in each other's business. Usually acting like teenagers who think playing matchmaker is really a good idea.
Oh! The age. So the elves live for thousands and thousands of years. Some even seem to act their age, being dull and stuffy. Using words and sentences only someone loving the Silmarillion would even comprehend. Of course they usually just act like they're around fifteen. And girls. But hey, they look kinda girly, so what the hell! Even those who are fierce warriors spend most of their time crying and whining. Or maybe that's just Legolas.
The elven mating habits. They are various of course. Sometimes the first kiss or first touch bond them so tight that they are forever joined together. Then again they can shag like bunnies and never commit to anyone. Elves are noble and pure who would sprout flowery speech for centuries without ever even dreaming of a kiss. Then they can shag and shag and shag and shag...
The thing that really bugs me off about elf slash is the language. Let me demonstrate what I mean:
1. Legolas smiled at Gimli. "Of course, melamin." He said it loud enough for all the elves around to hear, enjoying the gasps of horror his words brought forth.
2. "Lirimaer, I have missed you!" Erestor gasped as Glorfindel touched his cheek gently. "I have prayed the Valar every day that I would once again see your face on this Arda!"
Okay. The first example I have no problems with. Legolas talks in the common tongue with Gimli, but uses his own language to emphasize something. It's a nice way for him to show everyone just how he cares about him. The second thing however... Erestor's an elf. Glorfindel's an elf. I assume they speak... Er... Can't remember if it's Quenya or Sindarin. But whichever. So everything they say is in elvish. If people want to show off with their elvish, have them write all the dialogue in it! Otherwise it just sounds really stupid!
And about sounding stupid... What the hell is so appealing in using idiotic nicknames? Especially with elves. Elrond, Glorfindel, Erestor, Haldir, Elladan and Elrohir are elves from LotR. Who the hell are Rondie, Fin (or Glory), Restor, Dir, El (or Dan) and Rohir? Can I please vomit right now?
My conclusion about elf slash: There are good stories. Yes, there are. But for some unfortunate reason, there are hundreds of crappy fics. Most longer stories I've read have absolutely no charactarization, too many pairings and they make little sense. Euphemisms used in sex are usually really stupid. From flowery descriptions to someone's straining elfhood. Thousands of years old people acting like teenagers (are all authors under 18 here?). Bad storylines, bad sex, bad everything.
And people send the authors fanmail, actually encouraging this?
Okay. End of rant. A new one coming up tomorrow.
I really wanna go to the gym tomorrow, but can't with this stupid flu. Will just lie here and watch more Xena. Am almost through the season one. Five more seasons to go.
