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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - May 2007
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Five: - It's time to try to save the world. Fools and idiots may be the wizards' only hope. Revenge does indeed taste strange. Kinda furry.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, total stupidity, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes and angst.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
Harry couldn't help wishing he could grab a time turner and go back an hour or two just so that he could have a moment for himself and his thoughts.
All the long weeks of planning were coming to this; a few simple words from him that were more efficient in goading Voldemort into a fight than destroying his ancestral home. He'd known it for a long while that when the time arrived, they would have to move quickly. In a way it was the relief he'd expected.
Leaning his forehead against the window, he tried to tell himself that the feeling he was experiencing really was relief and not nausea.
It was all in place now, and the Death Eaters would come. They had all known that, some for weeks, some had known for years, and it had only been the question of when.
Now they knew.
Soon, the sun would set, revealing the darkness of the moonless night. It heralded the time of darker magic, the darkening time of the year only boosted that image, and Harry knew that with the challenge and the Ministry's evacuation to Hogsmeade, Voldemort could not stall anymore.
"Red caps... red caps... I can't remember how to destroy them!" Muttering frantically, Hermione grabbed another book, browsing through it with panic evident in every move. "Oh for... Who cares about red caps? I'm forgetting something important! Occamy!"
Harry listened to her mumble to herself, finding her last moment reading almost relaxing. It had been like this every time they had an exam; Hermione panicking even though she knew all the books by heart.
The fact that she was now hyperventilating and reaching out for yet another book was familiar, just like Ron's idle lazeing with a fizzy drink and a chunk of chocolate in front of him on the table.
They all dealt with the waiting their own way.
Sighing, Harry turned around to face the room. They wouldn't have to wait for long now that they knew the Death Eaters were coming.
He didn't want to stand here and contemplate anymore; things had moved so far from the realm of what ifs that he could just sit back and do nothing and it wouldn't change a thing. They had made all the preparations just the way they had planned ages ago.
"I think I'll go to bed." Ron stood up, ignoring the chocolate on the table. He looked slightly green, as if the idea of sitting here and drowning his worries in sweets was making him sick.
"Good idea." Nodding slightly, Harry added, "See you in the morning."
His words made Ron look even greener. "Yeah, right..." Ron took a few steps towards the door, and then stopped, glancing at Malfoy. "So, you coming or not?"
Draco had been busying with his broom, fussing over it unnecessarily as if any action was better than waiting. He looked a bit surprised at the invitation, but simply nodded, resting his broom against the wall and then joining Weasley on his way up.
No one in the living room said a word.
Harry could see that the others were ready to leave as well, Sirius leaning his head against Remus' shoulder, muttering soft words that would soon turn into caresses and Hermione gathering a few books to take to her bedroom.
He waited in silence as they got ready to leave the room, nodding his good nights and hugging
Sirius tight. Then he was left alone, staring into the few candles Hermione had lit -- more out of habit than any real need -- for a moment before extinguishing the flames.
It had been a long day, and the evening had felt even longer with all the unsaid things hanging between them. Fortunately no one had been willing to talk about the fact that this could be the last evening they spent together like this, everyone concentrating on the moment.
Harry hadn't been surprised when Snape hadn't stayed, preferring to finish with his potions before retiring for the night.
Probably hoping that would avoid him from being a part of any emotional outbursts.
Sighing, Harry finally turned away from the fireplace and walked upstairs, his feet feeling heavy. Maybe it had been good Snape had chosen not to join the somber group in the living room. That way no one had been tempted to relieve the tension with angry words. Harry doubted anyone would have wanted to get into a fight tonight, thought. They all knew there'd be plenty of that tomorrow.
The bathroom door was slightly ajar, showing that there was no one else. Not that Harry had expected anyone to linger with their ablutions, especially since the sounds coming from behind Ron's door told him that both he and Draco were busy with something else.
He didn't waste extra time on his evening routines either.
Snape was already sitting on the bed, a towel in his lap as he was working a familiar looking potion on his skin, covering his Dark Mark with a wince. "Potter."
Squinting his eyes with suspicion, Harry wondered if Snape had accidentally scrubbed the remains of the barrier potion off earlier or if he had tried to confirm the thing Blaise Zabini had already stated. It would be so like Snape to trust no one with things that really mattered.
He had no idea how the link between Snape and the Dark Lord worked, and was pretty sure he didn't want to know.
"Maybe after tomorrow you won't need that anymore," he muttered quietly, gesturing at the bottle half full of the green salve sitting on the table.
Snape refused to comment on the stupidity of Harry's words. They had always intended to throw everything they had at Voldemort on the day of the battle, and if they failed to defeat him tomorrow, it was most likely it meant the Dark Lord won. One way or the other, he would never have to use the barrier potion shielding the Dark Mark again; the potion would either become redundant or he would be dead.
He wasn't going to say that out loud either, unwilling to approach the subject of his own mortality, knowing all too well how Harry would react to such musings. "Maybe."
"They really are coming."
"Yes."
Harry nodded. No one had really doubted it, not when Blaise had said it, not when the long-eared owl had arrived bringing news from Hagrid about strange weather phenomena preventing traveling, not when the small attacks had stopped as if all the Death Eaters had vanished somewhere.
Most likely gathering in their stronghold, just like people had been moving to Hogwarts the past two days.
He walked quietly to sit next to Snape. Waiting until he was finished with the potion, he leaned against him, needing the contact.
Neither said a word as Snape wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. They simply sat there for a long time.
It was getting darker outside, even though it was still bright enough to see without a magical light or candles. Yawning, Harry toed his socks off and then squirmed out of his robes before crawling under the blankets.
He smiled slightly as Snape cast a pointed look at the clothes he'd abandoned on the floor before standing up and slowly undressing himself.
"Snape?" Harry didn't know why this felt even more difficult than that first time he'd ever really talked to Snape about things. They hadn't been lovers then, not even friends -- mutual hate was probably the best way to describe what they shared -- and still he didn't know how to say this. "May I ask you something?"
Knowing all too well that this would be something very emotional, Snape suppressed a sigh and nodded curtly. He had been expecting something like this, and the fact that Harry was asking him in private and not in front of others was a small blessing.
"What do you want to do afterwards? I mean... After. If we survive." It was something Harry hadn't dared to ask before. He barely managed to think about the future himself, unable to really contemplate time he wouldn't have to worry about everything.
He usually just imagined a peaceful life, happily thinking about utter boredom.
Snape blinked. This wasn't what he'd expected. He couldn't answer it right away, pondering the matter as he folded his robes over a chair. For years now, life had been about fighting Voldemort and trying to defeat him. He had no hopes or dreams beyond that.
Surviving? It had always been about that, even when he'd risked his life for their cause he'd never taken unnecessary chances. Not before Harry Potter had wormed his way to his life anyway. How absurd he had never considered this; had never believed he really deserved a life after the battles against the Death Eaters.
"I don't know."
The perfect life had always meant the small rooms in the Slytherin dungeons. He knew Albus would take him back if they survived the war and that he could resume his position as the Potions professor and live the rest of his life in Hogwarts, terrifying children and brewing his potions in peace.
He realized the thought wasn't as pleasing as he might have imagined.
It was strange to contemplate the future like this. "I guess... It would be a good time to retire." No more children to herd, no more idiots to teach. That would certainly be wonderful. "I could find a small house somewhere far away from people."
The cottage they had stayed in didn't seem too far from his dream.
He didn't want to spend a lot of energy imagining a future that might not be, but the possibility of concentrating on new potions and maybe even tutoring those who weren't completely inept in his line of work was exhilarating. His life that he would choose for himself, not something he had to do out of duty. It was almost too much to even contemplate.
Harry closed his eyes. Peace and quiet sounded like bliss to him. "That sounds perfect." His chest ached with dozens of things he wanted to ask, but his throat couldn't squeeze out the words.
He didn't want to look at Snape. It was better just to lie here and imagine for just a little while that they were actually planning a future together.
"No, Potter, that's a simple thought. Perfection would require house elves there to take care of the mess you'd undoubtedly create."
Opening his eyes in shock, Harry could only stare. Then he had to blink hard. "Oh."
There was nothing on Snape's face to indicate he even acknowledged the enormity of what he had just said, but Harry was sure he hadn't just said that out loud to please him, or as an unconscious comment about Harry's robes on the floor.
While Snape's expression was unreadable, his gaze was open, shining with a myriad of emotions, none of which were malicious. There was barely even sarcasm to be seen.
Harry smiled a bit wobbly, his throat squeezing shut, and it was a relief to have Snape take that step forward and tilt Harry's jaw so that he could easily kiss him. It was a gentle brush of lips that left Harry breathless.
It was always unwise to make assumptions like this, but Snape was certain of the one he'd just made. Harry had made it all too clear more than once that he wanted this, and considered -- or at least hoped -- their arrangement was permanent.
He'd been right when he'd thought all this was far from being innocent and harmless. No matter how foolishly Gryffindor Harry was with his straightforwardness, the things were far more dangerous than any games Snape had ever played.
"I'd like that," Harry managed to whisper. "I'd like that a lot." Images of sharing such a simple life with Snape filled his mind, full of memories from their stay at the cottage, where it had been so easy to just be and maybe do some chores and forget all about the world that hungered for his presence.
It was better than anything he could dream of.
"Yes, maybe then I would actually find my socks," Snape muttered, gesturing at his bare feet as if to remind Harry of the earlier discussion about laundry.
He slid between the sheets, trying to find a comfortable position even as Harry wriggled closer to him as usual, smirking as Harry let out a loud yelp as their feet collided.
"Cold feet!" Harry muttered, knowing all too well that Snape wasn't at all sympathetic to his complaints.
Letting out a snort, Snape endured the squirming and protests and waited for Harry to settle down and melt against him as he did every single night.
Snape wasn't certain what made this so addictive. It wasn't the way Harry touched him or arched against him, naked and needing more. It wasn't the frantic blur of torn robes and drive towards completion.
Snuggling even closer to him, Harry kissed his neck and then made snuffling sounds, burying his nose to his skin.
There was no need for anything more, the silent evening lulling both into mellow drowsiness.
Snape's hand pushed its way beneath Harry's T-shirt, making slow, lazy circles on his back. He liked the simple touch, enjoying the pleased murmurs from Harry as well.
This was like most things with Harry; an embrace he offered willingly, even eagerly, not lying to himself about its purpose anymore. It wasn't necessary to think about things he could give to Harry. He shared the pleasure of this simple touch.
Harry tightened his arm around Snape.
He didn't want to think beyond this moment, not even to fantasize about the future. He definitely didn't want to think of this as goodbye.
Murmuring a few soft sounds that formed no real words, he pressed a kiss against Snape's skin again, not wanting to blurt out any emotional phrases or promises.
He doubted they could really add to this moment.
Harry felt a soft brush of lips against his temple and smiled. "Is this Slytherin emotionalism?" he murmured quietly, unable to resist teasing Snape.
"I do hope so. It would be extremely disappointing to have your idiotic traits to start rubbing off on me." Snape's voice was too mellow for the words, but he didn't seem to care about that now. "Go to sleep."
"Okay." It wouldn't be that simple, but Harry didn't want to waste any more time on words that in the end meant nothing.
He rested his head on Snape's shoulder, relaxing even more under his touch, smiling as Snape's hand slowly moved across his back.
Tomorrow would dawn soon enough, even though nighttime hadn't really fallen yet. Everywhere in Hogsmeade, people were now getting ready to fight, some going through strategies and plans one last time, some simply enjoying the presence of their loved ones.
There had been other fights, other battles, but inside, Harry knew this would be the battle. Hopefully the last one. They would not surrender, would not stop until Voldemort was defeated for good.
People would die. It was quite probable that he would die as well, and though facing the Dark Lord was the most dangerous thing he could think of, going to the Malfoy Mansion wouldn't be much safer.
It was far worse to think about that than it was to think about dying himself.
Harry listened to Snape breathe, refusing to waste this moment on contemplating death. This was yet again one of those good moments, perfection that would be etched in his mind for as long as he would live. It could be only a matter of hours, it could be for decades, but this one moment would remain there.
He liked the idea; it was almost like the happy ending everyone always wanted, even though the endings in life were rarely happy. Inside this room he had everything he could ever desire and for someone who'd never got what he really wanted, that was happiness beyond measure.
Determined to hold onto it for a while longer, he closed his eyes.
More tomorrow. :D Most likely the rest of the story, 'cause otherwise would have to leave it at a cliffhanger and that wouldn't be very nice now would it?
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Date: 2007-07-06 11:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-07 10:39 pm (UTC)Still glad you're enjoying the fic! Hope you won't find the ending disappointing.