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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - May 2007
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Five: - It's time to try to save the world. Fools and idiots may be the wizards' only hope. Revenge does indeed taste strange. Kinda furry.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, total stupidity, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes and angst.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
Snape wasn't certain he actually liked the early mornings.
He was used to them after years of waking up around dawn to get ready for classes, but he had never really thought about mornings in the context of liking them.
That was becoming a habit these days; thinking about insanities and impossibilities, or even taking them for granted. He sometimes envied Harry for the way he seemed to be able to grasp huge issues and make them sound so damn easy, as if life wasn't really as complicated as it had always seemed to him.
The rather sad truth was that he was beginning to realize he did in fact like mornings, especially those that could be started with an armful of sleepy Harry Potter, followed by a cup of hot, strong tea.
Just as he didn't exactly mind the fleeting touches that had always been a show for others; touches of ownership, of power over him.
Knowing there would be a hand touching on his shoulder as soon as Harry came downstairs, Snape settled with his cup of tea, enjoying the silence of the morning, all too well aware that it would not last for long.
It would be a busy day today, a fact that he didn't really wish to contemplate right now when there were still hours and hours before the full moon would rise above Hogsmeade. He was simply going to deal with the things as they came, starting with the Wolfsbane that was already slowly brewing in the cellar.
Not allowing any of his inner turmoil show on his face, he grabbed his tea and then pointedly ignored the first Gryffindor -- that being Weasley -- barging into the kitchen. He was sure the boy would be glad if he didn't force him to use any of his limited vocabulary so early in the morning, simply nodding at the monosyllabic grunt that escaped the redhead before he headed to the far side of the table.
This was so familiar by now that the tension in the room was rather low, with Weasley hiding behind the Daily Prophet, devouring his breakfast and drinking the overly sweetened sludge he undoubtedly called tea. Snape still expected there to be awkward looks or some stammering comments, but Weasley didn't offer him any.
At least the boy was honest with his discomfort.
Sooner or later others would arrive, with Granger usually smiling even as she laid her eyes on Snape and Lupin and Black following closely after her as if they really had to operate as one unit even inside their own home.
Snape had to wonder if it was a precaution; if Lupin felt it necessary to actually stay close by the mutt so that there would be no off chance of an argument between them. Such a waste of time. No matter how Snape might want to see how many comments would drive Black to do something drastic, he had promised Harry not to goad the man into a real fight.
Today, Snape didn't even look up from his cup after the first glance at the Gryffindor duo. He had nothing to say to Lupin.
He could almost feel Black's insane gaze focus on him, as if the man was just waiting for him to start berating Lupin again. He could wait for that as long as he wanted, Snape was definitely not going to waste his time on things he had already commented on dozens of times during the years.
They had agreed not to address the past again, and a part of Snape agreed fully on that. But he was not going to forget the things that had happened, unable to really let go, never mind forgive.
He could tell that no one in the room really believed he wasn't going to throw a tantrum, his lips curling into a slight sneer as he thought of how satisfying it would be to smash things or say a few scathing words about the stupidity so evident on some people, all present company included.
Yet it was almost as satisfying to sit here and let them worry.
When the door creaked open, he didn't even need to look up to know that Harry had just stepped into the room. The tension spiked before slowly dissipating, the Gryffindors greeting Harry with obvious enthusiasm, young Malfoy nodding and calling out Harry's name as if it was some sort of a private joke between those two.
A hand brushed against Snape's back, the touch brief but certain, and this time Snape did look up to see the goofy smile on Harry's face. Once again he could tell with absolute certainty that from this idiot, the touch was just as it seemed, and not a not so subtle show of superiority in front of others.
"Morning, Snape."
"Good morning, Potter," Snape said quietly, reaching out for the teapot. "Tea?" He could once again feel Black's gaze on him.
Harry sat on his customary place next to him and nodded. "Yeah, thanks."
Pouring the tea, Snape already looked for the plate full of sausages, knowing Harry would probably ask for them next.
It made him think about liking things again, and making sure Harry actually ate breakfast was definitely on the list. He knew such thoughts were more dangerous than any, but there seemed to be no way of stopping them. At least liking was something he could clearly define, a personal preference he chose out of free will, unlike things that simply seemed to happen whether he really thought about them or not.
He could hear a saucer rattle on the other side of the table as Weasley set his cup down, and knew that there was probably that gawking expression on the boy's face again. No surprise there, and he could bet that Weasley wasn't the only one watching.
Snape refused to look around the table to actually confirm that.
Some evenings, he caught Black staring at him and Harry like he wasn't fervently thinking Avada Kedavra at him and was instead trying to figure out something he was unable to grasp. Snape never showed he actually noticed the stares, just like he pretended not to hear anything the mutt was saying to Lupin when he thought there was no one around to hear his raving.
Years of sneaking in the shadows made it impossible for Snape to trust any given situation, much less a person, suspicion keeping him alive. But even in the middle of all the looks and the rants, Black seemed to be honest in both his hate towards him and his devotion towards Harry.
Harry did seem to bring forth such emotions in people, just like it seemed impossible for most people not to at least resent Snape. It was almost satisfying to have that one constant thing in his life, Snape noted, though he knew all too well that Harry didn't share his view on the matter.
He was simply content to be left in peace. Delusions of fortune and glory were long gone, and his priorities were changed; the things that he had now were enough. He had his own laboratory, where he could brew what was necessary as well as things he genuinely enjoyed. There was the fight against Voldemort, real action he could take alongside others to stop the madman. He had his own personal idiot, who seemed to insist on sharing things beyond simple physical relief with him and consider it a permanent arrangement.
He couldn't even really say that he hated living in a house full of Gryffindors, living with a possessive idiot whose eyes shone every damn time he looked at him. No matter how ridiculous the arguments amongst the people in this house got, or how he tried to find any reason not to trust Harry, he simply could not hate any part of his life right now.
It was absolutely infuriating.
He finished his breakfast in silence, barely listening to the endless bantering between Lupin and Black that was somewhat strained this morning. Thinking about the reason for such tension drove his appetite away.
"Are you coming to the headquarters today?" Harry asked as he saw Snape push his plate away.
"There are things I have to work on in my laboratory," Snape muttered, his grasp around the cup tightening a bit as he didn't turn to look at Lupin. They both knew why he would spend the day brewing, and considering the sorrowful way Lupin had been staring at him for days now, Snape wanted nothing less than to actually talk to the werewolf.
Harry kept his voice quiet as he said, "Okay. I'll see you this evening then." He made it somehow sound as if everything was quite normal.
No matter how he tried not to, Snape couldn't help feeling grateful for that. He put his tea cup on the saucer so hard it rattled the spoon, and then pushed back his chair, leaving the room with his robes billowing ominously.
They could hear the door down the hall slam shut after him.
Even Sirius didn't say anything to that.
Remus leaned closer to Harry, muttering quietly, "I don't think I need to tell you that tonight will be hard on Severus." Seeing the nod, he added, "Sirius isn't happy about it, but he will make sure the wards on our door hold."
"I know." It was clear that Sirius was still feeling guilty. He would never do anything to make Snape feel more comfortable, but he'd rather chew off a limb than to hurt Remus again. Harry knew that.
"We'll cast a silencing charm too, so that everyone can sleep." Now there was a smile on Remus' face. He could still remember hearing his own howling echo in the small room the last full moon.
Harry nodded at that, not bothering to say that he would cast wards and charms upstairs as well. It wasn't that he didn't trust Remus. He was simply going to do everything in his power to make Snape feel safe.
In the end, only Ron and Draco accompanied Harry to the headquarters. Hermione opted to stay home, casting meaningful looks at both Sirius and Remus.
Harry hoped her presence would somehow lessen the tension. He doubted Snape would surface from his work even for lunch, but at least now he wasn't left alone in the house with people he loathed.
The day was tedious, full of small meetings that didn't seem to accomplish anything. Harry wasn't the only one who was feeling edgy; most of the former Quidditch players milled around the meeting hall, looking anxious to start doing things.
Ron didn't know why they weren't doing things already, but Harry probably had a good reason for sitting on his hands and waiting. For a moment he wondered if he should ask and if Harry would actually tell him if he did ask, but it didn't seem like the right moment.
He simply decided to act normal, even though it wasn't really easy to decipher what was 'normal' these days. Today, he decided, normal was even weirder than usual. People seemed to know that something was going on, but those who didn't know what it was were smart enough not to ask questions, and those who clearly did know, chose not to say anything.
It was kind of like that back home, with the nervous silence almost suffocating. Ron was a bit surprised to see that Snape was still locked in his lab, not attending to dinner, but he wasn't complaining. Things looked bad enough without the git, with Remus casting furtive looks at the window and Sirius casting furtive looks at Remus.
Ron was relieved when Eppy finally came to collect the dishes, signaling that it was all right to get up and leave. No one said anything when Sirius walked Remus to their room without saying anything, the door slamming shut after them almost drowning out the sound of the lock being turned.
Almost immediately after that, there was the sound of footsteps and then Snape appeared from the cellar, looking tense and more annoyed than usually.
He refused to look at anyone, heading straight upstairs.
It was clear that Harry wanted to follow him, but for some reason he just stood there undecided for a moment before walking into the living room. He didn't even notice Ron following him until Ron sat on the chair opposite to his.
Then he only looked up, looking tired and didn't even try to squeeze a smile on his face.
"Trouble in paradise?" Ron's voice was flippant. He'd seen Harry moody after meetings, but had never seen him like this. Maybe some good natured ribbing would make him feel better, even if making jokes about his life with Snape was pretty icky.
Harry froze for a moment. Then he turned to glare at his best friend, his gaze as cold as ice. "Don't! Just... Don't talk about something you don't understand." With a sneer even Snape would be proud of, he got to his feet.
"Whoa! Hey, wait a minute." Stunned by the response, Ron stood up as well. "I didn't mean it like that."
The honest panic in his voice seemed to make Harry deflate somehow. He sank back into his chair, the cool mask leaving his face. "It's full moon tonight."
"Okay." Ron still didn't get it. The last time there had been a full moon, Harry had gone to Snape for Wolfsbane potion and that had been it. He didn't understand what was the big thing here. Even Hermione had been all right sleeping downstairs with a werewolf practically on the other side of the wall. It was just Remus, they trusted him. "What's the problem then?"
Harry sighed. "Remember when Snape tried to keep us safe from Remus that night..." He didn't know how to really call it; the night everything had gone wrong, when he had almost died, when Sirius and Buckbeak had almost died.
Seeing Ron nod, he still didn't go on, his mind still caught up in the memory. He had never really thought about what Snape had done that night. It didn't matter if he'd frozen or if he'd actually planned on acting the way he had, he had still stood between them and the werewolf, protecting the Gryffindor trio.
"That wasn't the first time he saw a werewolf." What a simple way to describe the one truly incomprehensible act he knew Sirius had done. "Remember what Remus told us? That Sirius kind of..." Almost tried to kill Snape once. Harry snapped his mouth shut, not knowing how to say it out loud.
Ron almost made a quip about Snape being afraid of werewolves. Fortunately he could read the look in Harry's eyes correctly and remained quiet. An image of Aragog the huge spider Hagrid had raised staying downstairs assaulted him and he decided that there was nothing funny in someone not being comfortable around werewolves after all. "Oh."
"Yeah."
There was really nothing Ron could say after that. Thinking about Snape being afraid was somehow wrong; as if that made the git all too human.
He decided not to concentrate on Snape and fear and simply sit here with Harry. It was still weird to think about Harry actually caring about Snape -- not to mention slightly nauseating -- but that wasn't really Ron's business. His business as Harry's friend was to be here, and it was easy to just sit here and snuggle in the chair and think of nothing.
He sat there with his friend until it became clear that Harry was ready to go to bed, walking quietly behind him upstairs and pretending he wasn't disappointed to see Malfoy's door shut for the night.
Not disappointed at all.
Harry had a moment of utter panic as he stepped into his bedroom and saw no one there. Stepping back into the hallway, he listened carefully, relaxing only when he heard the water running in the bathroom.
This gave him more time to think, even though he wasn't sure he really wanted any more time with his thoughts. He'd spent the whole day trying to figure out how tonight would go, and he was no closer to finding any answers than he was this morning.
If there even were any answers for him to find. Somehow he doubted there were.
When Snape came from the bathroom, dressed in black from neck to toe with his still wet hair glistening in the faint light, Harry went to take care of his evening routines. He spent a long time in front of the mirror, just staring at himself.
He wondered if Snape ever did the same and if he did, what did he see.
Realizing that he was procrastinating, he sighed and then walked back to the bedroom. Outside, the sunlight was still slowly disappearing, but very soon, the moon would rise and he wanted to be ready for that.
Harry glanced at Snape as he locked the door and then cast a few wards on it, but didn't say anything. He was pretty sure he didn't have to explain what he was doing.
The glare he got for his actions was murderous anyway. "I do not need to be coddled, Potter!" He continued undressing as if there was nothing in the world worrying him. "The Wolfsbane and the wards downstairs are sufficient enough."
No matter how annoyed his words sounded, there was clearly doubt in his eyes, as if he would have certainly cast those wards himself had Harry not taken care of it first.
"I know." Harry knew better than to comment further. He might get away with being emotional and possessive any other night, but it was clear no such things would be tolerated tonight.
He could never really comprehend what things had been like when Sirius and Snape had been no older than he was right now, and even if he did, it was certainly not his place to judge either of them. Sirius still carried anger and guilt with him, while Snape was definitely trying not to show an ounce of the fear lurking behind his sneer.
Getting ready to bed, he put his wand on the nightstand, already seeing Snape slide his own under his pillow.
He wanted to reassure Snape somehow, maybe telling that the only way Remus could ever get to him was through Harry, and that Sirius would do anything to prevent that. Such words would be an insult, though, and instead of making things worse with fumbling platitudes, Harry simply went to bed.
Turning the lights off, he crawled under the covers, wrapping an arm around Snape's chest and molding himself against his back. He planted a kiss on Snape's cheek before settling down. "Good night, Snape."
The answering words were quiet, but calm. "Good night."
Neither man pretended they would sleep well.
Harry kept his eyes closed even in the pitch black, straining to hear even the faintest sound of howling even though he knew that there would only be the silence. He was certain Snape was doing the same; the tense body against his was a clear sign that Snape was anticipating the worst.
Forcing him to relax even more, Harry breathed as evenly as he possibly could, trying to keep on the illusion of it being just another night. Snape wouldn't want to talk about it and any show of obvious comforting would be scoffed.
That didn't mean that Harry was going to ignore the fact that Snape was probably more terrified than he would ever show anyone. He just held Snape and pretended he was asleep until weariness won and he finally drifted off for real. Waking up, he didn't move for a long time, for once being the one who was wrapped in strong arms as Snape held onto him like a lifeline even in his sleep.
He knew the moment Snape woke up, feeling the body against him tense instantly. Wondering if he should pretend he was still asleep, Harry simply lay there, watching as Snape lifted his head a little and cast a look at the window.
Snape blinked in the brightness of the rising sun and then relaxed. Only then did he look at Harry. "Good morning, Potter." He didn't even try to hide the slight relief so evident in his expression.
"Morning, Snape," Harry muttered, and pulled Snape into a kiss.
He felt like laughing, feeling the nervous tension from the night before dissipate in the morning light. The full moon had set and everything was all right, and though he knew that Snape might take laughing the wrong way, he grinned like an idiot when Snape simply rolled on top of him with a rather malevolent glint in his eyes.
This was better than any dream. Not only had Snape stayed, he was acting like this was what he'd expected, an early morning spent driving him mad in bed. The rest of the world with meetings and breakfast and werewolves was somewhere far away and nothing existed here except Snape and him.
Since he'd been awake since dawn, Harry was a bit stunned when he realized that even with all the morning's activities, he and Snape were the first ones to be up and about. Suddenly starving, he headed towards the kitchen even as Snape took a detour in his laboratory before joining him for breakfast.
Eppy was busy pouring tea as the door opened, and she huffed a little, her ears twitching as she saw Remus Lupin enter the room. No one said anything as he walked slowly towards the table leaning heavily against Sirius' shoulder.
"Harry," Sirius nodded in passing before helping Remus to sit down.
Casting a worried look on Remus, Harry muttered, "Morning." He wasn't sure, but Remus looked more tired than hurt, unlike after some full moons when he could barely walk. "Remus?"
"Hello, Harry." Shooing Sirius away, Remus looked at Harry, a wan smile appearing on his lips.
It was enough to show Harry that everything was indeed all right. "You look well."
Letting out a weak bark of laughter, Remus shook his head. "Rough night." As if realizing his words might not go well with everyone, he reached out for Sirius' hand and then cast a faintly apologizing smile at the fourth man in the room.
Snape didn't say anything, his face devoid of any real expression. He simply handed Remus a small cup of steaming concoction he'd prepared earlier.
The tired werewolf took the cup and emptied it without words before Sirius could do more than mutter his name under his breath. There was a look of surprise on his face as the warmth from the drink coursed through him, driving most of the groggy feeling away. "Thank you, Severus."
"You're welcome." Turning back to his breakfast, Snape dismissed the gratitude curtly.
Harry smiled so hard his whole face ached.
There was a short silence as Eppy poured more tea. Sirius continued glaring at Snape, waiting for a quip or a comment, hating the fact that he was once again showing off with his damn potions, hating the faint smell of sex that had greeted him as he'd opened their door earlier this morning. Most of all hating the fact that despite the potion, Remus still looked exhausted and there was nothing he could do about it.
Clenching his jaw so hard his teeth were grinding, Sirius kept staring at Snape for a moment longer and then grabbed the newspaper from the table. He needed to do something with his hand and was choosing the lesser of the two evils.
He really should have known better.
"Merlin!" He could only stare at the front page, his hands shaking. Then he lowered the paper to gape at Harry, not wanting to believe neither what he'd just read nor the hard, knowing look in Harry's eyes. "Harry?"
"Sirius, what is it?" Already feeling stronger, Remus put his cup down and leaned closer to Sirius. "Sirius?"
Sirius shook his head, as if unable to form words. He simply held the paper up, showing the front page for everyone to see.
It was less garish than most of the headlines they'd seen recently, which wasn't surprising, for once it had nothing to do with Harry's life or former Death Eaters. The picture beneath the text wasn't moving, the black and white photograph as dead as the landscape it portrayed.
It wasn't a homestead with innocents murdered, it was the ruins of a house, with a body of a giant snake curled in front of where the door had once been.
The picture made Harry hiss from between his teeth, as if sibilant words of both shock and satisfaction wanted to escape and then coil around him like a magical serpent.
"Merlin!" Remus echoed Sirius. He couldn't believe what he was reading. "'Riddle House destroyed in the Ministry's night-time raid. Voldemort's vicious viper vanquished.'"
"You know that really sounds stupid," Harry muttered. What the hell was it with reporters anyway?
Not paying any attention to the words, Snape leaned closer in, squinting a little. "They killed Nagini?" Turning to look at Harry, he asked, "You do know what happens next, don't you?" He could already see the answer in Harry's eyes.
Sirius put the paper down with a slam. "Did you know about this, Harry? Did you know what the Ministry would do?" There was disbelief in his voice.
"Did you tell Arthur to send troops to Riddle house?" Remus couldn't keep the words in.
He didn't really need to see Harry nod to know it was true.
"Yeah, I did."
Snape looked from one Gryffindor to another, not quite grasping the reason for all the horror he could detect in his old classmates. Then he snorted. Of course; they expected Harry to be better somehow. He had to wonder what they had thought the secret Order meetings had all been about, for they certainly seemed like they had never thought of this before. "He won't simply sit back and take this. He'll think it's a personal insult and do rash things, irrational things."
"That he will do anyway. But maybe now..." Harry shrugged. It was silly superstition in a way, but he couldn't say it out loud.
He wasn't really glad about what had happened, felt no exuberance over any of it. All these months of secret plans and weeks of training had led to this, and he just wanted it to be over already.
But it was time, and soon Voldemort would have no choice; he would have to play his part in this insane spectacle, just as Harry had for years.
Snape nodded, knowing all the unsaid things and agreeing with Harry completely. "I know." Pushing the paper out of his way, he grabbed the tea pot and didn't even ask Harry if he wanted some; he poured him a cup, ignoring the way Eppy glared from the other side of the room.
Unable to think of anything to say, Remus and Sirius stared at them, both wondering just when exactly had things spun out of control.
The strange uncomfortable silence stretched as the men ate their breakfast, fading a bit as the others joined them, but never really disappearing completely.
More tomorrow. :( Must go to work now.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 12:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 07:01 am (UTC)*gnaws toenails*
And yeah, 11 more parts to be posted and then it's done! Yay!
no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 07:54 am (UTC)Why don't you have multiple pages of comments on this? This is very confusing. You deserve pages of comments and praise, because this is FUCKING BRILLIANT! ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 03:53 pm (UTC)*ponders*
Oh us great artists... We're never appreciated during our lifetime... *snerk* I think I've cut the fic into so many chunks that if I combine all the comments, it's nice and ego stroking enough. :D But thank you for your kind words! It's great to know I haven't totally wasted the past 4 and a half years.
*headdesk*
no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 02:13 pm (UTC)*g*
*hits refresh*
*waits*
*refreshes*
no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 03:57 pm (UTC)*is worried*
More chapters coming up in a few minutes!
/tease
no subject
Date: 2007-07-09 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-09 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-30 01:56 am (UTC)Thank you for sharing this...and since I am here thanx for the Hunt and The MatchMaker and all the HL stories {I am 1st and formost a Methos/Duncan lover[SG]} I love your stories and I have spent many happy hours happily playing in your worlds.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-30 05:28 pm (UTC)You're most welcome. And I'm glad you've liked my others stuff as well. Should probably re-watch some Highlander... Methos is about my favorite character in all the fandoms.
Thank you for your kind words. :D They were enough to warm a cold winter's day.