Fic: No Hiding Place book Four: The Cupboard Under The Stairs (4/32)

[sua_lay]

Title: No Hiding Place: Book Four: The Cupboard Under the Stairs (4/32)
Author: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.

The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.

Part 4

It was the third morning Snape lay in his bed wide awake.

The mattress felt strange, a bit too hard under his back. How annoying. It had taken him weeks to get used to the too soft bed in his room at the cottage and now it seemed he'd become too accustomed to that softness.

The uncomfortable bed wasn't his only problem. The bigger one was the weight on his shoulder, the soft sounds of breathing accompanying the distracting brushes of Harry's every exhale on his skin.

Snape couldn't remember the last time he'd slept with anyone. There had been occasions when he'd passed out from all the pain and exhaustion, collapsing on the bed next to someone. Afterwards, regaining consciousness had been horrible. He'd certainly not felt rested.

Not like now.

He moved a little, grimacing at the protesting murmurs coming from Harry as he slipped away from him. Turning on dim lights with a quiet word, he sat there, glaring at the sleeping young man.

Watching Harry lie there snuggling his pillow, he wondered if he'd ever been able to relax and sleep with someone else in his bed. Maybe when he'd been nothing but a teenager himself, dreaming of happiness and perfect love and other illusions that had vanished ages ago.

Harry made a soft whimper in his sleep and rolled over, letting go of the pillow and attaching himself to Snape's leg like a limpet. Snape didn't really care, couldn't feel any more shocked by any of this.

He could handle the touching or the simple physical act of sex they had shared back at the cottage. It was not nearly as disturbing as it was to drop his guard and trust this young man.

Last evening, when Harry had curled on his couch while he'd been brewing the Wolfsbane potion, he'd wondered if he should take sleeping potion to get some real rest. He hadn't slept well the night before, unable to truly relax after bringing Harry to his rooms. He'd doubted he could send him away just to get a good night's sleep.

It was probably the exhaustion that had enabled him to fall asleep even with Harry Potter curled next to him. He was certain it wouldn't happen again.

Once again slipping away from Harry's embrace, Snape walked to the bathroom. He needed some time to think, and now that he wasn't tired, it would be easy to figure out how to get out of this mess he'd made.

He went through his morning routines mechanically, mind focused on his problem.

Bringing Harry here had been instinctive. He'd known the idiot wouldn't go to anyone for help, and there had been no way he would have spent one night with Harry at the Gryffindor tower. So the dungeons had been the only real choice.

Snape decided not to wake Harry up, and went to get dressed in his living room. He ordered breakfast for two without even having to think about it and then sat down to do more serious thinking.

How on earth had it come to this?

Returning to Hogwarts had been simple, his rooms waiting for him unchanged. There had been a few brief words with the Headmaster and then he'd returned to his work almost like he'd never been away. Like the previous months had indeed been nothing but a dream.

It had been easy to push away all thoughts about sad green eyes and soft touches. He'd managed not to think about Harry at all until he'd heard about the attacks. Then it had been impossible to concentrate on anything else.

That was why he now found himself facing this mess.

Snape knew he would be busy these next weeks. There would be no time to rest, like he usually did during the first weeks of summer break. The Order meetings alone would take a lot of his time, not to mention working on the new personatus potion he was supposed to perfect.

Dealing with Harry would be an unwelcome interruption. The stubborn fool would want to talk about things, would need explanations, and Snape knew from the experience that the death glare wouldn't be enough to shut him up.

It would be too time consuming to reason with him, but Snape didn't want to add to the obvious pain Harry was already in, so he couldn't really just tell him to bugger off.

He sighed, picking up a cup of tea from the table. Maybe he should let things be as they were. Sooner or later Black would ask Harry to live with him and then the Gryffindors could play a big happy family together and he could have his peace back. Harry wouldn't want to stay here forever, especially when he made it perfectly clear that there would be no more sexual encounters between them here in the normal life.

For now, Harry could stay here, mainly because his presence wasn't completely unpleasant. Snape didn't know just exactly when had he stopped seeing Harry as nothing but a nuisance, but somewhere along the line he'd stopped being an annoying twerp and become a real person. He wouldn't go as far as to say he liked Harry the way it was clear Harry seemed to harbor such thoughts towards him, but he could tolerate his presence better than anyone else's.

Satisfied with his plan, he sipped his tea, waiting for Harry to wake up before going back to work.

He didn't have to wait for long. Soon there were sounds coming from the bedroom, and then Harry appeared at the doorway, looking a bit worried until he saw Snape sitting there. The worried expression melted into a smile, and then Harry disappeared to the bathroom, scratching his head as he went.

Snape rolled his eyes.

He was certain this would not be the only moment of exasperation this morning.

Breakfast went as usual, with Harry simply sitting next to him and devouring an enormous amount of food. The silence after that wasn't bad either.

Finishing with the breakfast, Snape went to see how his Wolfsbane was doing. Like yesterday, Harry came over to actually watch him brew instead of simply ogling at him from the distance. His obvious interest in the potion made Snape want to make scathing comments about concentration and the importance of all the potions he'd taught, but the memory of Harry's return from St. Mungo's last night made him hold his tongue.

There would be plenty of time for his comments later on. He could wait until Lupin was out of hospital before making them.

After he'd bottled the potion, he turned to Harry. "Are you going back to the hospital today?"

Startling as the mellow silence was broken, Harry nodded. "Yeah. I haven't heard anything from Dumbledore, so I thought I might as well." He didn't sound like he was too anxious to hear from the Headmaster either.

Snape did not blame him. He knew Harry was intelligent enough to know what would happen next. He wasn't looking forward to it either. "Good." He handed the bottle over. "You should probably take this with you. I added some ginger roots, just in case Lupin still suffers from the silver poisoning."

His voice held faint traces of his usual scorn as he talked about the man. No matter how he was willing to brew him this potion, he could never really forget how he'd found out Lupin might need something to control lycanthropy with.

"Thank you." Harry nodded. He didn't bother to say that there might be a few bottles of the potion at St. Mungo's. Snape's brew would undoubtedly be better than any the potion-makers at the hospital could ever conjure up.

Snape decided not to ask what the foolish smile was all about. He definitely didn't want to know. It was time for Harry to leave so he could concentrate on his work again.

Before he could say anything about that, the flames in the fireplace flickered, and Dumbledore's face appeared there. The Headmaster looked from Snape to Harry, smiling slightly. "Good morning, Severus. Harry."

Feeling completely unreal, Snape nodded his reply. Next to him, Harry stammered something half intelligible.

How strange that they would both act like two students who had been caught in the kitchen after curfew.

Dumbledore didn't seem to notice. "I see you're ready to leave. Please convey my regards to Remus Lupin. And your godfather as well. I do hope they're all right, both of them."

"I think they're going to be just fine," Harry said. "But I'm sure they'll be glad to hear from you anyway."

Almost snorting at the useless pleasentries, Snape waited for Dumbledore to get on with it. He certainly wasn't going to send his best wishes to Black.

"Excellent!" Dumbledore declared. "I was wondering if you might be back by two pm? Minister Fudge is coming for tea, and he wants to see us both."

There was a shocked silence. Snape could see that Dumbledore wasn't too happy about this either, even though he did hide it well. The dismay on Harry's face was easier to read.

Harry nodded. "I'll be there." He didn't even try to force a smile on his face, looking as somber as he sounded. "At two o'clock."

His words sounded very much like a dismissal. At least Dumbledore took them as such. "Good. I will see you then. Good day, Harry. Severus." With one more knowing look at Snape, the Headmaster disappeared.

Snape didn't say anything as Harry walked to the bathroom. He simply stared at the fireplace.

He knew exactly what that look meant. Albus either knew what was going on, or he was making some well educated guesses. Snape didn't really care which way it went, as long as he didn't comment on it.

Maybe he could be held accountable to Dumbledore, but he was not about to justify his actions to anyone. Not even the man who had saved his sanity all those years ago. His lips curled into a moue of displeasure, knowing that sooner or later Dumbledore would ask. If he didn't come out and say it out loud, there would be questioning glances and hints.

Snape didn't know why that didn't make him feel guilty. It didn't make him want to push Harry away or cringe at the thought of his body next to him. Not long ago, he'd thrown decades of hard work and suffering away because he couldn't stand the idea of bringing Albus bad news. Why was he now willing to risk his displeasure?

Casting a glance at the bathroom door, he pushed decided there was no need for guilt or even explanations. Harry had climbed into his bed willingly at the cottage. Not even that; he'd sneaked his way past his well erected shields with determination and cunning befitting any Slytherin and then latched onto him like an Amazonian rainbowleech.

He was not corrupting anyone. Would never do that to another person, even someone as Gryffindor as Harry Potter. Their sexual encounters had occurred between consenting adults, and even that was over now. He was simply doing this because it was the only thing he could do.

Disgusted by his foggy reasoning, he went to the cupboard to check with his ingredients.

"I'll be off then." Wiping off a smudge of toothpaste from his left cheek, Harry walked back to the small living room. The smile he flashed at Snape was slightly wan. "I'll... See you later."

Snape could hear the slight hesitation well. "I will be here." Where would he go? He had work to do.

"Okay." There was relief in Harry's voice. After a moment of hesitation, he came close to Snape, and touched his cheek briefly, brushing a lock of greasy hair behind his ear. "Have fun working with your potions."

He walked out of the room before there could be any reply.

Staring at the door that had closed after Harry, Snape couldn't help thinking how annoying it was not to feel any annoyance for such a foolish gesture. He was probably used to them by now.

He turned back to his work.

It was easier for Harry to make his way through the maze like corridors of St. Mungo's now that he actually knew where he was going. There were more people walking around even at this early hour, and most of them stopped to stare at him.

He tried not to show how it bothered him to feel their curious looks on his skin. It almost felt like a physical touch, something slimy oozing on his body, sticking there and making him feel dirty.

The woman standing outside Remus' door was the same as yesterday, and she gave him an exasperated smile after checking he was who he claimed to be. Harry blinked, wondering what that was about until he heard the loud voices coming from the room.

It was good to see Sirius and Remus again, and it looked like things were getting better here. Remus was still lying in bed, but he didn't look as pale anymore. He was also arguing with his friend when Harry stepped into the room, complaining about Sirius being a mother hen.

"I see some things never change." There was a smile on Harry's lips. "Good morning!"

"Good morning, Harry," Sirius said, not even looking at the door. "And no. You're not getting up until the doctor says it's all right for you to get up. Understand?"

"But I'm fine Sirius! Honestly. You know as well as I do that when the silver poisoning passes, it's not important to..."

Sirius shook his head, interrupting Remus' rant. "I know, but it's not sure it's passed yet. Besides, it's full moon tonight!" Seeing he was going to say something more, he dropped the attempt to make Remus see the sense in it and wheedled, "Please."

"Oh all right!" Muttering a few dark words to himself, Remus leaned against the pillows again.

Harry shook with silent laughter. Apparently Sirius knew exactly what to do to make Remus obey his wishes. "I see that everything's all right here."

"It would be if that overgrown poodle would let me up!" Still muttering, Remus glared at the other man, but the look in his eyes was softer now.

The jibe made Sirius laugh out loud. He made a slight movement as if to hug Remus, but then sat next to him on the bed instead. "The doctors said you're better, but you'll have to stay here for at least three days now. You know there can be a relapse after the first full moon after such a poisoning."

Harry hadn't known that. "I brought you some Wolfsbane." He put the bottle on the table. "Just in case, you know. It even has some ginger in it, you know, for the poisoning."

"Thank you, Harry." Pleased by such consideration, Remus gestured at the chair. "And convey my thanks to Severus as well." The glint in his eyes told that he knew perfectly well Harry would never be able to brew the complicated potion on his own.

It was Sirius' turn to mutter things, but he made sure no one could hear any real words. This was the one thing he couldn't hate in Snape, even though he knew the git brewed the potion just to show off. These past few full moons had been horrendous. The Wolfsbane sent from St. Mungo's had not been as potent as it should have been, and Remus had been in agony throughout the changes.

Harry nodded. "I'll be sure to tell him." It was weird to think of Snape as Severus. "Oh, and Dumbledore sent his regards as well."

That silenced Sirius' grumbling.

"Then you must thank him as well." Reaching out with his hand, Remus grabbed a chunk of chocolate from the table. "And do tell him I'm doing just fine."

Not wishing to start that conversation again, Sirius asked, "Can you stay for a while longer?" Harry's visit yesterday had been so short, he hoped he'd stay. It would be the best way for him to make sure he wouldn't have to be alone.

Since Harry was in no hurry to go to meet Fudge and Dumbledore, he nodded. It would be nice to stay here, with these two men. His family. "I can stay for as long as you can handle me." He flashed an impish smile.

All three Gryffindors shared that expression.

Sirius talked about the doctor's visit for quite some time, looking happy at the good news. Every few minutes he handed more chocolate to both Harry and Remus, determined to make them both feel as relaxed as he could. Then Harry made the mistake of asking about the full moon, and was subjected to another rant about how some of the doctors seemed incapable of dealing with a werewolf without their prejudice showing.

Since it looked like Sirius was actually enjoying the rant, Harry simply listened, keeping an eye on Remus all the time and trying hard not to laugh. He was relieved to see that Remus really did seem better today, his gaze was alert, and he wasn't nodding off.

The rant was cut off abrubtly as a nurse appeared with tea. She wasn't the same one as yesterday, but she seemed to be as impressed by Harry's presence as her colleague had been. Rubbing Snuffles' ears absentmindedly, she stared at him with an awed expression on her face.

Harry smiled at her tensely and thanked her for the extra cup she got for him. That made her blush and stammer something.

When Sirius changed back from Snuffles again, he was too busy sharing the sandwiches and Remus' tea to really rant anymore.

The mood in the room was mellow as they finished eating. Whoever prepared meals at St. Mungo's -- and Harry for one was surprised he hadn't seen any house elves yet -- were very thorough with their job.

"So, is there anything you want to talk about?" Sirius had already decided not to push. He knew Harry would talk to him if he needed to.

Usually when the three of them gathered together, they talked about things that weren't in any way vital to surviving the present. Sirius could remember evenings, when he and Remus had shared stories with Harry, reliving their past. It was important for Sirius to reminisce, it helped to ground him and tie that happy time to this one. It also let him bring some of that old joy to Harry's life, so that he could feel connected to his parents.

He never got bored of talking about things with Harry and Remus and could listen to their voices and revel in their presence forever.

Harry was glad of the way Sirius had phrased that. He'd been a bit worried he'd want to know more about his stay at the cottage, knowing there wasn't much he could really tell now. Very soon, his evasive answers wouldn't work, especially if he wanted to stay with Snape.

He was definitely not looking forward to that conversation with his godfather.

"Tell me about my father." Curling on the chair, Harry looked up at Sirius. "And my mother. They moved to live together after Hogwarts, right?" Seeing the nod, he smiled. "Tell me how did they know it was the right decision. Please."

This was the only way he could ask the question that had been bothering him for some time now.

Sirius burst into laughter. "Are you really sure you want to hear this?" He was glad Harry was asking about those happy days that had finally come back to him. Sharing those tales with his godson was awfully important to him, every memory precious.

"Yes. Tell me, please."

"They just knew. I've never seen two people so in love." It had been nauseating at times, but still it had also been cute. Like love usually was.

Remus looked a bit wistful as he said, "James always said that the Potter men had always been loyal and that they'd known who they wanted from the moment they saw them. We agreed to the former, for your father never even looked at another girl since he fell in love with Lily. But with the whole love at first sight thing..."

"That was a load of crap." Laughter twinkling in his eyes, Sirius interrupted. "Those two knew each other since the first year, and they used to make each other crazy. Lily couldn't stand boys she called brainless athletes and James had a thing or two to say about bookworms."

That reminded Harry of his first year. He wondered if his parents had been as annoying as Ron and Hermione had been back then.

"They were both too stubborn to let it go. Year after year. Constant bickering in the class and in the common room." Remus nodded. "But we should have seen it coming. That kind of fighting can only mean one thing, especially with James' beliefs."

Sirius nodded and then explained to Harry who was looking puzzled, "You know, James was never really into the dating game. He always said he'd meet that special one and live happily ever after with her." The old pain was still visible in his eyes. To his friends, ever after had been awfully short.

"You mean he never... Um..." Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. There were things about your parents that you really didn't need to hear.

"Sixth year. The beginning of it. Your father took one look at Lily and that was it. None of us really understood it at the time. I mean, we were all teenagers." Casting a knowing look at Harry, Sirius added, "Well, I don't have to tell you what it's like to be a teenager in Hogwarts. There are all kinds of... distractions there."

Remembering the looks, the invitations, Harry could only nod. He knew all right. Most of the people he knew had embraced the concept of experimenting, while others settled with studying. To him, dating had always been difficult. Not because he couldn't get a date, but because he knew what it would mean to have someone date the famous Harry Potter.

There was a very good reason for his cancellation of the Daily Prophet.

He could have followed Hermione's example and immersed himself in the books. The constant threat of Voldemort's people cutting his life short before he had any chance to try the things that haunted his dreams had made him stray from that path.

It hadn't been dating, or even affairs, nothing as complicated as that. It had been hunger and need and desperation, sharing a few glorious hours with another person.

Sirius didn't notice the slight frown on his godson's face. "You know, during those years, I chased a lot of tail..."

"Mostly your own, if I remember correctly." The gentle smile on Remus' face took the bite out of the rather acidic remark. "Sorry. Couldn't resist that."

"Oh, very funny. Anyway, I didn't understand the whole thing back then. Not even when James told us that Potter men have always been monogamous. But I could see how happy he was with Lily."

There was a soft look shared between Sirius and Remus, an emotion neither wanted to explain. It was of memories, their past together. All the things that had bound them together then, the ties that even a decade of anger and mistrust couldn't completely sever.

"I know what he must have felt." Harry wondered if his father and mother had shared the same kind of silence as he and Snape did. If everything had felt just a bit less complicated when they'd been together.

He didn't know how Remus would react when he told these two men about him and Snape. They'd never really talked about things like that, even though the relationship between his godfather and his oldest friend was as plain as the nose on Snape's face. The silence was a bit worrying, and Harry had always wondered if they were ashamed of what they shared.

Harry didn't need to guess about Sirius' reaction. He already knew what it would be. Not because of he was sort of gay, but because of who and what Snape was. It would probably be ten times worse than any tantrum Ron had thrown.

He'd just have to make sure there wasn't anything valuable and breakable around when he told Sirius that he was having warm feelings towards Snape.

"You do?" Sirius teased. "Is there something you want to tell us?" He didn't often get to say this to Harry, who didn't seem to have a girlfriend most of the time they met.

Realizing he'd just opened a door he wanted nailed shut, Harry shook his head, "Not really. Just wondering." He hoped his smile was convincing, at least it made Sirius smile back. Remus on the other hand cocked his head, as if he was smelling a rat.

Harry looked at him, praying he wouldn't ask anything. Not now.

"I remember how he had to work on getting Lily to see him as something else than a Quidditch player," Remus said, as if there hadn't been a small pause in their narration. "He tried absolutely everything that year."

Nodding eagerly, Sirius launched an account on some of the most outrageous escapades they'd engaged in with their friend.

Harry simply listened, mesmerized by the sheer lunacy of the marauders. They had probably been the most reckless students ever to go to Hogwarts. No one could surpass the mischief they'd managed, not even...

Hiding his grimace of pain, he pushed his thoughts away from the twins. He was determined not to think of anything bad that had happened right now. The thoughts would come when the lights went out, and the darkness would cover his grief. He couldn't crumble now.

Fortunately there were enough happy stories to last for hours. When another knock came on the door, Harry was shocked to see that it was already time for Snuffles' midday walk. He hadn't noticed how quickly the time went by.

As the door closed behind Snuffles and the nurse, Remus stretched luxuriously, shifting his position. He even pushed the covers to the side. Seeing Harry's questioning look, he explained, "Sirius is wonderful, but sometimes he does act like a mother hen."

Harry had to agree with that, even though he could say the same about Remus. He wondered what it would be like to live like that, to be constantly aware of his loved one and spend all that energy trying to protect him from everything that might cause him any pain. He didn't think he could handle that, it would be suffocating.

But these two seemed to like it.

"I won't tell him, if you don't want me to." Harry had kept harder secrets than this. "You've got my word on it." He meant the last bit as a joke, and was surprised to see Remus nod solemnly.

"And you know that if you want to tell me something, I won't tell about it to anyone. Don't you, Harry?"

Harry swallowed. He sometimes forgot just how preceptive Remus was. With Sirius, he could lie his way through but it was different with Remus. He would at least know that there was something wrong, and instead of settling it with a warm embrace, he would ask more questions.

"There... Might be something we need to talk about. I'm just wondering if I should talk about it right now." This had even worked a few times, even though Remus had never backed off completely, reminding him of his words later on.

Remus nodded. "No time like the present." He could see this was something that was bothering Harry, and wondered just exactly how long had he wrestled with the matter alone. There weren't many people Harry could talk to, and leaving him and Sirius and Dumbledore behind must have been awful. Even with his respect towards Severus, Remus didn't think Harry would have been able to turn to him with his problems.

"I'm..." Harry snapped his mouth shut. He didn't know if he should tell the man after all. Remus had almost died a few days ago.

The amber gaze focused on his. "We're family, Harry. You can tell me anything."

Harry smiled a little. "I know that. And believe me, I should tell you before I tell Sirius, since I think he'll have some real problems with this whole thing and I don't want him to hurt himself or anyone else."

That definitely made Remus' curiosity peak. They had never really talked about Sirius like this before. "That bad, huh?" Seeing the slight nod, he sat up a bit. "What is it?"

Opening his mouth, Harry had to think for a moment before actually saying the words. There were so many things he could say, all of them true. "I'm... I'm sort of seeing someone." He couldn't believe how hard this was. If he couldn't say it out loud with Remus, how could he ever tell Sirius?

"Is that the same someone you stayed with these past two nights?" Remus had noticed some tension in Harry as he'd said that he hadn't been alone, but hadn't asked any questions. He was always careful of what to say when Sirius was upset.

Protecting Sirius had become a second nature to him now. Sometimes it even bordered insanity, but he didn't care, not after a decade of loneliness.

Harry wasn't surprised that Remus had caught that. He'd come to realize that the man was excellent reading other people. Maybe it was a wolf thing. "Yes. I don't really want to talk about it, but it'll come out some day soon, and I'm afraid Sirius will flip."

Chills ran down Remus' spine. "Are you serious?" He saw another nod.

He closed his eyes, glad that Harry was giving him a moment. There were so many things happening now. He was feeling a lot stronger, almost all signs of the silver poisoning gone, but he would still need weeks of healing potions and monitoring. That would already push Sirius on the edge.

But Harry was right. If he was indeed staying with someone, it would come out sooner or later. He needed to know about it, to shield Sirius from his own feelings. He knew how protective Sirius was, how he saw Harry as special and there was a distinct possibility that he wouldn't see anyone as good enough for Harry.

"Remus?" Worried by the prolonged silence, Harry said quietly, "We don't have to do this now. I just wanted to tell you because..."

"No." The amber eyes snapped open and a faint smile appeared on Remus' lips. He wouldn't turn his back on Harry. "If you need someone to listen, I'm here. You know that. And maybe it is best if you tell me before Sirius finds out about it."

That was the very thing Harry had thought.

"But I'm certain it can't be that bad. As long as you're happy, I think Sirius will be all right with your choice." Remus knew Sirius would never alienate his godson by being overly rude to his boyfriend. Not even if he came from a tradition they both disliked. He decided to make it easy for Harry and said, "Even if he is a Slytherin."

Harry could only stare. His mouth went completely dry as he tried to form words that refused to come out. Remus knew? "How? When? I mean... How?"

"Please! You go away for a long time, and when you come back you seem genuinely happy." Ignoring the twinge that reminded him of the sadness that was also evident in the boy, Remus went on, "There aren't all that many people to choose from. You're together with Draco Malfoy, right?"

After a moment of gawking, Harry swallowed. This was worse than he'd thought. Slowly, he shook his head. "Er... No. I'm definitely not seeing Malfoy." He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The silence that landed after his statement was oppressive. Remus was thinking hard, refusing to think about the most obvious solution to this verbal puzzle. He wanted to believe it was someone else.

From the resigned look on Harry's face, he knew it wasn't.

"Harry? Is this person you're seeing..." He couldn't say it out loud, mostly because such silly words would undoubtedly be followed by hysterical laughter.

"It's Snape."

No. He didn't feel like laughing after all. Remus simply stared at Harry, taking in the wry expression, the relief on his face. It was now out in the open and it seemed to be real.

Snape? Severus Snape? Severus? The skinny big nosed boy who used to glare at him and his friends from across the classroom. The sneaky and cunning boy who had always had bitingly sarcastic words to comment on them. His former colleague, who had found his place in the dark and lonely dungeons, existing only to torment others.

Snape, whom he had almost killed all those years ago.

Sighing, he muttered, "Well, you were right on one thing. Sirius is definitely going to flip."

Harry knew that. "Yeah." He felt a bit light headed. Remus knew, and hadn't had a fit. Maybe it was going to be all right. "Thanks for not asking me if I'm insane."

Swallowing the very words, Remus shook his head. No, he couldn't ask that now. But was Harry serious? He couldn't ask that either. "You're staying with Snape? In the dungeons?" He sounded incredulous, stunned by the way Harry nodded. When he'd stayed in Hogwarts as a professor, he'd never heard of Snape inviting anyone down there even for a brief visit.

He couldn't believe it. It would have been disappointing to hear that Harry wanted Draco Malfoy as his boyfriend -- and dear Merlin, he didn't want to use that word on Severus Snape -- but this was completely insane.

"Remus?" Since they were talking about this already, Harry asked quietly, "Will it be a problem that he's a man?"

"Of course not!" It was out before Remus could even think about it. How could Harry even think about something like that? "I... It will definitely not be a problem, to neither of us."

Harry looked at him straight in the eye. "I was simply wondering because it seems to be something you and Sirius aren't all that comfortable talking about." He had never planned of mentioning this, but now he didn't think he had a choice.

There was a strained silence. Remus couldn't say anything for a moment. He had never thought their silence would seem like that to Harry. "No..." He choked the word out and had to breathe deeply before he could continue. "You're right." Why deny something that was true? "But it doesn't mean we're not comfortable with the subject in general."

It still made no sense to Harry, but he didn't want to pry. There had to be a reason why these two men kept the biggest part of their lives shrouded in half-truths, hiding it from even those who loved them. "Okay. Good." He managed a smile.

Not knowing what to say, Remus offered a hesitant smile as a reply.

Harry let out a laughter that sounded almost hysterical in his own ears. "At least you're doing better than Ron and Hermione when I told them."

That definitely made Remus stare. "You told your friends about seeing Snape?" He couldn't imagine how strange that must have felt to all of them.

Nodding, Harry decided not to say anything about the way his friends had reacted to his news. But he did say, "I don't want to lie about this. Not to you guys." There was already so many things he'd either kept a secret or lied about, he couldn't deal with keeping this from his family.

"Oh." The very calm way Harry seemed to treat this with was slightly disconcenting, but Remus had to accept it as a part of him. It had been like this for a long time now, the quiet way Harry took most of the things that life threw at him.

It didn't mean Remus really liked it, but he didn't know what good trying to change it would do either.

Remus felt the familiar exhaustion creep back over him, but he had to fight against it. There was still one thing he needed to know before he could rest. Expression serious, like when he had still been only Harry's teacher, he said, "I have to ask you one thing, and I hope you'll answer truthfully. When... If you're seeing Snape, and I assume by 'seeing' you mean..."

He was actually grateful when Harry nodded frantically. Good. He didn't want to have to ask questions about James and Lily's son and his sexual relationship with Severus Snape.

"When did this start?"

Harry looked baffled for a moment. He couldn't really tell himself, not about the fancying and the companionship. "I'm not sure, really." When he'd gone to see Snape at the beginning of the year, they had barely tolerated each other. He was pretty sure some of the warmer feelings had started to develop even before they'd left for the cottage, but he couldn't say precisely...

As he hesitated, he could see Remus' expression change. Replacing the careful neutrality was pure shock.

"Oh, you mean the shagging." That was at least easy to remember, even though Harry did feel strangely flustered as he mentioned shagging to Remus. He was also slightly annoyed by what he was so clearly implying. "He never touched me when I was his student." That was true. In a way. But then again, it had been Harry who had kissed Snape and not the other way around. "And even then I had to... Well. It was my idea, not his."

Still reeling from the way Harry had said clearly that he was actually shagging with Severus, Remus blinked a few times before smiling slightly. "That's all I needed to know. Not that I really imagined Severus would ever..."

This was probably the most awkward discussion Harry had ever been a part of, so he just nodded before Remus could finish his sentence. "Yeah. I know. He really wouldn't. And it really is all right." Even though it kind of wasn't.

"Good." Yawning, Remus leaned his head back. "I'm going to close my eyes for a moment," he explained, lifting his hand slightly as he saw the guilty look on Harry. "No, you didn't wear me out. I guess I'm not as strong yet as I want to believe."

Harry could see that clearly. "All right. You take a nap, I'll be here." He would wait until Sirius came back and then head back to Hogwarts.

It was getting late, and Fudge might be in Dumbledore's office already. He didn't really care. This was more important right now than the Minister. They wouldn't be discussing anything that mattered anyway. Fudge had made it absolutely clear that he was not going to get involved in this. Fairy tales and rumors, he called it, even though they had clear evidence of Voldemort's return.

Everything seemed so complicated right now, but Harry was glad he'd at least talked to Remus. Some of the things he'd said were ones he'd wanted to say for a long time now, but hadn't known how.

Harry knew everyone had secrets and weird notions of what should be shared with others and what should be held hidden. He would have kept his involvement with Snape as a secret too, if that had been a choice. Every time he explained it to people, he lost a part of something that he wanted to keep as private. His own.

The only problem was that his notion of a family didn't work like that. There might be open secrets that everyone kind of knew already, but big things like this couldn't remain in the dark. Sooner or later Sirius would have found out, and at least now he wouldn't face his horror alone.

Casting a fond look at Remus, who was now breathing evenly, Harry let out a deep breath.

A soft knock on the door made him reach for his wand a moment later. It was too soon for Snuffles to be back from his walk, and the nurse hadn't knocked yesterday when she'd returned him to the room. Pointing his wand at the door, he stood there, ready to face anything.

When the door finally opened, he stood there, staring.

"Oh!" Looking startled, Ron stammered from the doorway, "I didn't know you were here." Realizing just how that sounded, he added, "I mean I can come back if this is a bad time."

Harry swallowed. "No... No, it's all right. Come on in." He gestured with his hand. "Remus is sleeping, but..."

"I'm not staying for long. I just wanted to see if he's all right." Turning his gaze to the bed, Ron stared at the sleeping man for a while.

It was the most awkward moment between them ever, two friends standing next to each other, neither knowing what to say.

Harry waited until he was ready to do anything to break the silence. Then he muttered to Ron, "I'm sorry." It felt completely inadequate, but he didn't know what else to say.

To his surprise, Ron simply nodded, his expression never wavering.

Dreading another silence, Harry added, "I wanted to come and see you and Charlie, but I wasn't sure..." He shook his head. "Didn't think I should intrude."

Even before Ron said anything, he could see that his guess had been right. He wouldn't have been welcome to mourn with the Weasleys. Two of them were dead, one in grave danger, all because the Death Eaters had targeted people he cared about.

A simple way to hurt him.

Now that Ron was squirming uncomfortably, Harry knew that they had succeeded beyond their wildest hopes.

"Yeah. Mum is taking this pretty badly. I don't think she... Well, you know." It was sad to see how hard Ron tried to force a smile on his lips, to soften the blow. His voice was oddly mild, even distant.

Harry had suspected this all along, but it still hurt. "Yes. I do know." The story of his life. Why would this be any different? A loving family that had welcomed him with their arms open. Of course it would be taken away from him, one way or the other.

"She'll get over it." Ron didn't sound too convinced.

They stood in silence, surrounded by the polite lie. Neither sure they could manage words right now.

Ron looked down at the floor, barely seeing the brightly colored floortiles. "I... The funeral will be next weekend. Um... It will be a small occasion, just for the family." He hoped Harry would not ask for explanations, for the only thing he could think of was the truth and he couldn't say that.

There was a cold silence, full of pain. Harry fought against showing any emotions, staring into distance with the numbness growing inside with every breath he took.

After a moment, Ron cleared his throat. "I... I should go back to see if Bill's had any luck with breaking the curses yet." He couldn't stay here for longer when everything he could say was killing his best friend.

Harry nodded. "Yes. Of course." His voice was completely calm, only the blank look in his eyes betraying his true feelings. "You should be with your family."

"Harry..." Not knowing what to say, Ron clasped his hand on his friend's shoulder, his grip tight. This was not what he'd wanted.

That day when he'd befriended this skinny boy in the train had changed his life. Previously, he had always shared things with his brothers, now he had Harry to be his friend. He hadn't even thought about what it meant to be the best friend of the 'Boy Who Lived' before the whispers and barely veiled insults. Before he had seen how people treated Harry.

He knew lots of people would now put the blame on the deaths on Harry; he'd seen the anger in his mother's eyes. There was no such hatred in him. For if he blamed Harry, he'd have to share the blame.

The thought was quenched as soon as it swum into his conscioussness, replaced by the strange calm that had filled him for days now. It made all pain disappear, burying it somewhere so deep it couldn't reach him.

"I know." Harry did. Seeing Ron try made him feel just a little better. At least he hadn't lost everything. "Go to them. We can talk later on." This time, the smile was genuine, even though wan.

Ron nodded, his thoughts already back in Charlie, remembering that he needed to go and get Bill some orange juice. Yes, and then later on, he was supposed to see to it that Percy ate something. He would make sure he did. Without another look at Harry, he left Remus' room, concentrating on his everyday life.

When the door closed behind Ron, Harry let out a shuddering sigh. He pressed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, trying to focus on something else than feeling lousy.

"I'm sorry."

The soft words didn't even startle him. "Yeah." Still not looking at Remus, who was now wide awake, he added, "It'll be all right." He didn't really know what he meant with his words. His own life or Ron's? Their whole world?

Remus watched how Harry collected himself, hating the way he so obviously pushed his grief away. He wanted to tell him that it was all right to lose control and mourn, but something in Harry's determined look made him stay silent. Then the moment was lost as the door opened and Snuffles bounced in, going straight to Harry to lick his face.

---

Comments

[duskspoken.livejournal.com]

I love how Harry is so oblivous to Remus and Sirius's relationship! LOL.

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

*grin* Nah, the boy is smarter than he looks. Besides, you'd have to be even more idiotic than Crabbe to miss all the love between Sirius and Remus...