![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
Harry cringed as he stepped out of the fireplace.
He'd been here before, but somehow he always managed to forget the awfully bright light and the colors that were so sickeningly sharp they almost seemed to jump at him.
It made him wonder if such color scheme really soothed the sick people. He had no idea, but there had to be a reason why St. Mungo's resembled a colorblind idiot's dream on the inside.
Unlike usual, his thoughts didn't bring a smile to his lips.
There had been a moment this morning, right after he'd opened his eyes, when he hadn't remembered anything from yesterday. He'd lain there, nuzzled against a warm body, listening to a steady heartbeat. The scents in the dark room had told him that he was with Snape, and for that glorious moment everything had been perfect.
Then memories had come crashing down, and he'd thought he was going to suffocate again. Because of the grief, because of the overwhelming guilt.
A hand had come to rest on his back, the touch hauntingly familiar. Harry had remembered feeling the same hesitant touches last night. There were no words or sounds, only that soothing touch and the warmth next to him.
He hadn't thought about it, he'd just squirmed closer to Snape, wrapping his arms around him. Even though he'd probably slept for hours, he'd felt exhausted. Drained.
They had stayed in bed for a long time, not talking, just lying there together. Harry had been grateful for that. He knew nothing would make him feel better and nothing could change what had happened. He needed to deal with it somehow, and for now, this was the best way. More tears would undoubtedly come later.
When he'd finally got out of bed, Snape had told him to take a long shower. That had sounded excellent, and he'd padded to the bathroom without a word. The warm water had felt good. He had washed himself with familiar potions, and then stood under the spray. A stray memory of short cool showers back at Privet Drive had made his throat clench again.
He had cried then, letting the water wash away his tears. His grief wasn't because he missed Aunt Petunia. Honest with himself, he had to admit that he wouldn't miss any of his relatives. But he knew that if Dudley had ever loved anyone but himself, he'd loved his mother.
That pompous and fussy woman who had never been kind to her nephew, but had not deserved to die. She'd had nothing to do with Voldemort and their war.
After finishing with his shower, Harry had been red eyed, tired of crying and hurting.
There had been breakfast waiting for him in the living room, Snape sitting on the couch with his ever-present cup of tea. Instead of going to his chair, Harry had sat next to Snape, needing the contact right now. No comments had been made of his choice.
Food had tasted like cardboard, but at least the tea had warmed him a little. After the shower and the hot drink, Harry hadn't felt so cold anymore.
He'd tried not to think of what to do next. There was so much to do. The Order was probably assembling, they needed to prepare for more attacks. He had to make sure his friends were safe, needed to go to see Sirius and Remus. Would probably have to think of how to send his condolences to his cousin and uncle, not that they would appreciate it.
The silence had been mellow, peaceful. He'd always liked the way Snape didn't find it necessary to chatter nervously. They simply sat there, sipping tea and thinking.
Harry had finally decided on going to St. Mungo's first. All other things could wait. If Dumbledore needed his presence somewhere, he could always contact him there.
Saying that to Snape had made him feel a bit selfish, but Snape had only nodded. Told him that the floo would be open for him to return when he was ready to come back.
Trying not to act like a total git and cry again, Harry had touched Snape's hand, needing that contact. He'd offered him a trembling smile, not really being able to say anything. They had simply sat there for a moment longer.
When Harry had finally been ready to floo over to St. Mungo's, he'd been relatively calm.
Finding Remus wasn't as easy as he'd thought. Most of the nurses looked so busy he didn't want to interrupt them by asking for directions. There were some security guards standing by the main lobby, but Harry didn't want to draw unnecessary attention to Remus' room. Not with a known fugitive in there. He simply walked past them. When he finally found someone to guide him, he had to suffer through gawking and awed expressions.
Harry ignored it. Now that he was finally here, he was anxious to see his godfather and Remus again, simply following quietly as the nurse pointed him to the right door.
He nodded at a serious looking young woman standing at the doorway with her wand clearly ready. Even though he couldn't remember her name, he knew she was one of the Order. A moment later an identification charm tingled over him as she confirmed he really was who he seemed to be and not one of Voldemort's people in a clever Polyjuice disguise.
It made him feel a lot better, even though he had seen the guards downstairs. At least now no one would be able to hurt his family, or so he hoped. For Sirius would still be in danger from over zealous Aurors who would see him back in Azkaban. Or worse.
The woman nodded back, but didn't say a word. Her brown gaze was already returning to scan the corridor.
Raising his hand to push the door open, Harry hesitated for just a moment. He'd known all along that he couldn't go to the other end of the hospital where Charlie Weasley lay in coma and the other Weasleys waited. But this was the first time he felt unsure of going to see Sirius and Remus.
Old insecurities were deeply rooted into his mind and he had to fight them back before stepping inside.
Keeping Sirius' love firmly in his mind, he pushed the door open.
The room was simple with the walls painted light yellow with bright pink polka dots and only a few chairs and a nightstand surrounding a big bed. Harry's gaze went immediately to the still figure lying there.
He swallowed hard as he saw how pale Remus was, the chalk white pallor making his scars look sickly red. How funny that Harry hadn't paid any attention to them in years. Now seeing them simply reminded him of what he had read of his kind. Silver poisoning could easily kill a werewolf. It was a miracle that Remus was still alive; he looked weaker than he had in ages.
Even with the unusual paleness, the man seemed to be awake and alert. He was turning to see who had entered, and recognizing Harry, he smiled wanly. "Harry!"
Sirius stood up from the edge of the bed where he'd been sitting, trying to spin around at the same time. He looked haggard, almost as wild as he'd been when Harry had first seen him, but there was a relieved look in his eyes. "Thank Merlin!" Choking a little, he spread his arms.
Harry didn't say anything. He just walked into the offered embrace and held his godfather tight.
"I'm sorry!" Voice hoarse, Sirius whispered the words out. He rested his cheek on Harry's head. "I should have been there for you yesterday." He would have, if the wound on Remus' chest hadn't started to show signs of silver poisoning. It had been the worst night he'd had for years, making even the memory of the desperation he'd felt back in Azkaban pale in comparison.
The madness had never come as close as it had last night. His mind had been a black hole, a completely lightless void. It terrified him to admit that without Remus, he would indeed be completely insane right now.
Losing Remus would drive him over the edge. Not even the love and duty he felt for Harry might be enough to pull him back.
"I love you, Sirius," Harry muttered against Sirius' chest. "You're here now, and it's all right."
Like always when he was hugging his godfather, he felt safe. It was a strange illusion, considering Harry knew exactly how fragile the safety and sanity Sirius held were. He wasn't going to analyze it, enjoying the sensation was enough.
The answer was immediate. "Love you, Harry." Sirius had never found it silly to say these words to Harry. He suspected that not many people had offered the emotion unconditionally to him before.
After a moment, he let go of his godson, stepping away a bit. It had been months since he'd seen him and Harry had looked harried then, a bit too skinny. He'd usually had dark smudges under his eyes, telling a tale of sleepless nights. There was that pinched look on his face again, but it was probably due to the horrible things that had happened.
Otherwise he didn't look bad. He had definitely gained some weight. Sirius approved. He'd been worried that time spent with someone like Snape would break Harry and was glad that he seemed all right.
He still shivered at the sorrow in Harry's eyes. He'd been left alone to deal with some ghastly news when there should have been people with him.
When he should have been there for his godson.
"You shouldn't have had to spend the night alone." It was the closest Sirius could mention Ron right now. Earlier, when he'd been walking the hallways on a leash while his best friend in the whole world had been dying, he'd passed by the boy in the lobby. It had been clear from the scents surrounding him that Harry hadn't been around Ron Weasley for hours.
Harry shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He could see the words didn't really change anything, so he added, "I wasn't alone last night."
"You weren't?" There was only relief in Sirius' voice.
"No, I wasn't." Offering no explanations, Harry smiled gently. He wanted to make Sirius feel better, not push him into insanity by talking about just exactly where he'd spent the night.
"I really did try to come to you, but..." Sirius shrugged. He couldn't explain how he'd felt the previous evening, when everything had been a blur and he'd wanted to go to console Harry, but couldn't.
Couldn't even find his way around the hospital to get to a fireplace where he could floo back to Hogwarts. He doubted he'd been able to use the floo even if he'd got there.
"Sirius!" Grabbing his godfather's arms, Harry did the only thing he knew to reassure him he was all right. He pulled him into yet another hug. "I wasn't alone. I understand you needed to stay here and I'm not mad at you."
He could feel Sirius calm down a bit. Holding him close, he sighed, wondering what he should do if Sirius actually asked him who had stayed with him. There was no way he could tell the truth, not now. This was neither the time nor the place.
Fortunately Sirius didn't ask. Relaxing, he let go of Harry and then guided him to sit on a very comfortable chair next to the bed. Trying not to look too obvious about it, he perched on the bed next to Remus.
Harry looked at the man lying in bed, answering the smile on his lips. "Hi."
"Hello, Harry." It was good to see the boy here. Remus had been worried about both him and Sirius but now it seemed like things would be all right again. "How was your stay in the secret hideaway?"
Not completely able to mask the wistful look on his face, Harry said, "It was all right." He shrugged. "Very relaxing."
Sirius huffed, "I'm surprised to hear that. With those Slytherins with you, I would have thought it was pure hell to you and Ron." He cringed after the last bit. Not a good thing to say right now.
There was a short silence, laden with uncertainty.
"I guess you can call the Potions exam hellish." Even the memory made Harry shiver. "But otherwise it wasn't bad. We had lots of things to do. I can tell you all about it later on." It was only a small lie. There were things he would definitely not tell his godfather, ever.
It made Sirius breathe easier. "All right." He looked hesitantly at Remus, begging him to help him out. He didn't want to say anything that would make Harry feel bad right now. That meant he wasn't goint to mention the Weasleys again.
Before Remus could think of anything, Harry pushed the chair closer to the bed. He put his hand on the quilt next to Remus' fingers. "So what happened here?" He didn't want to talk about their time at the cottage, telling only half truths.
"Werewolfslayers!" Sirius growled immediately. "That bastard hired werewolfslayers to kill my Remus." It was actually amazing such a deep sound could come from a human being.
Remus smiled at the slip, and then glanced a bit uncomfortably at Harry. Seeing the faint grin on his face was a relief.
Still seething with anger, not noticing the meaninful glances the others had exchanged, Sirius said, "We couldn't outrun them, so we had to fight." Remembering the animal panic that had almost torn him apart, he shuddered. Even as he was holding his wand, throwing hexes all around, his mind had been screaming to him to change and rip the werewolfslayers' throats out. His human control had held -- barely -- until one of those bastards had managed to stab Remus.
"They... They hurt him." The howl that had rang in the quiet night had chilled his blood, driving all his sanity away. Control had been replaced by the simple need to defend the other man. "I don't really remember what happened after that. Except that I..."
"Snuffles drove them away." Smiling encouragingly at Sirius, Remus cut through the hesitant explanation. He reached out with his hand, fingers lacing between Sirius'. It wasn't even a conscious gesture.
Harry saw how hard Sirius squeezed Remus' hand and knew it hadn't been as simple as that. If the werewolfslayers had indeed been hired by Voldemort, they wouldn't have given up so easily. He said nothing about his suspicions. "Good."
"No." Sirius didn't let go of Remus' hand, but looked up anyway. "Not good. I didn't just chase them away. I killed a few. I remember that clearly." He spat that out as if still tasting the blood in his mouth.
Some things in his life were only a blur. Memories of time past that had faded under the desperation that had almost swallowed him in prison. There were clear memories as well. He wondered if this one would ever fade. Probably not.
Sorrow in his eyes, Sirius looked at Harry. "Now your godfather really is a ruthless killer." He had spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he hadn't committed. It didn't really make him feel any better right now. He'd hunted for food in his dog form, but had never killed a human being before. Killing Pettigrew still sounded like a good idea, but now he couldn't claim he was innocent anymore.
"Sirius..." Remus sighed.
Harry was up from the chair in an instant, moving to hug Sirius tight. "No. You did what you had to do to save someone you love." He felt his godfather relax slightly. "Besides, it won't change anything. Not the way I feel about you anyway. You know I have killed as well." They all knew. Everyone in the Order's inner circle had known the truth about the attack on the Burrow two years ago.
Now Ron knew as well. He wouldn't tell anyone. Probably not even Hermione. Because some things were just too private.
"But... It's different. You're a hero, Harry. I'm not."
The resigned tone made Harry swallow hard before he could say anything. "No. No, Sirius, I'm not. Or if I am, we all are."
Sirius didn't look convinced. He was not a hero. He was just a man. Not like Harry who was... Who... "Oh." It had never occurred to him that people would really see Harry like that before this moment. That the idolization and praise might be completely unfair. Even cruel.
But it wasn't like that with Harry! He was a hero, no matter what he thought about himself. Seeing the whole thing upset Harry, Sirius didn't say anything.
A soft knock on the door broke the very tense moment. Harry flinched back as Sirius shifted his shape, the big black dog appearing next to the bed, hackles raised. Not knowing what was happening, he reached out for his wand.
"Good morning! Oh, I see you have a visitor, Mr. Lupin." A young woman dressed in a mint green coat opened the door and peeked in. Her eyes widened as she saw Harry. "Oh, wow!"
Harry couldn't help cringing at that. He'd already seen the way people looked at him in the corridors and the occasional hero worship at school was child's play compared to this.
"Good morning." Smiling wanly, Remus greeted the woman. "Come on in." He made a feeble gesture with his hand.
"No, thank you, Mr. Lupin. I'm here to take Snuffles out for his midday walk," she replied, still ogling at Harry. "It's a lovely day really, and I think he'll enjoy chasing the gnomes in the garden."
Keeping his expression neutral with some difficulty, Harry sat there while the woman put the collar on Snuffles and then guided him out of the room. Only when the door slammed shut after them, he let the laughter out. He knew Sirius could probably hear him from the corridor, but couldn't keep quiet.
"That's one of the strangest things I've ever seen," Remus admitted, his eyes gleaming with mirth. He let out a chuckle that deteriorated into coughs.
Harry moved up from the chair, hovering worriedly next to the bed. He wondered if he should get a doctor or someone.
The coughing fit lasted for a moment before Remus slumped back on the bed. He took deep breaths before turning back to Harry. "Don't worry." He even managed a crooked smile. "This happens a lot."
The doctors had explained it all to him after he'd woken up for the first time and found himself lying in the hospital bed. Not that he'd really needed the explanation, he was well versed in werewolf lore and facts, knowing the side effects of a silver poisoning. He was glad it was the painful convulsions and the coughing instead of the more common paralysis and death.
"Can I get you anything? Water or something?" Even with all the training he'd had with the Order, Harry had no idea what to do now. "Chocolate?"
"No thank you. I'll be fine." The last thing Remus needed right now was to choke on water if the convulsing resumed. "Come on. Sit down." His fingers brushed against the sheets.
The silence that followed his gesture was full of unvoiced questions and explanations.
Finally Harry moved to sit on the bed. He smiled at Remus a little, knowing the reason for the uncomfortable look on his face. "I'm really glad you're all right." His tone was similar to the one he used when talking to Sirius. For a long time now, he'd seen these two men as family. Remus didn't have the official title, but he was as much a godfather to him as Sirius was.
"Thank you," Remus said, feeling relieved. "I'm sure he would have come to you if he'd been..."
"Able to think clearly? I doubt that. He'd just feel more guilty now." It was the truth. Harry knew Sirius, probably better than the man could imagine. "I'm glad he stayed with you."
The words stunned Remus. He'd seen Harry avoid certain subjects with Sirius, but he'd never thought he really knew him that well. "Yes. I..." He wondered why he felt the urge to apologize.
Harry waited for a moment. When the silence stretched, he said quietly, "I understand." His gaze was firm. This was the thing they never talked about. He didn't know why, especially after his chat with Ron about liking men weeks earlier, but he didn't want to push anyone.
There were so many things he still didn't know about the past, he was wary of approaching a subject that might make Sirius uncomfortable.
Smiling weakly, Remus leaned back again. He could tell that Harry really meant that. The boy never ceased to amaze him. "Good."
It was enough to simply sit in silence. Harry could see Remus' eyelids droop slightly, and decided they could talk later. The most important thing was for him to get better, everything else could wait.
About half an hour later the door opened and Snuffles padded inside, holding a small bag in his mouth. The sight made both Harry and Remus smile; it simply looked ridiculous. Dropping the bag, the dog glared at both of them, and then let out a sneeze that racked his whole body.
The nurse shut the door behind him, casting one last wistful look at Harry.
Sirius was grinning as well as he changed back into his human form. It seemed he was unable to even pretend to be miffed when these two people who meant the world to him were looking so clearly amused.
"Here." He tossed a large chunk of chocolate to Harry, grabbing the Daily Prophet from the bag. "The nurse seemed to think you might enjoy this." He sniffed again.
It had to be because of all the different smells in the building, flowers from the visitors and herbs and potions stored everywhere. Snuffles' nose tended to have some problems with the overpowering scents. Even this room smelled faintly of potions ingredients. How odd, since it had just smelled of Remus this morning.
Pushing the thought out of his head, he walked to the bed. Remus didn't look any worse, so he could relax slightly. The weary smile offered to him made him nod slightly. Everything was fine.
He sat down and opened the paper, hiding his almost giddy relief behind the pages.
The room was filled with silence once again. Harry snuggled on the chair, drinking in the atmosphere. This was the one place on earth where he didn't need to think about anything, didn't need to worry. It was always like this with Sirius and Remus, the two men who were now his only real family.
Staying here was easy. He knew he was welcome, and no one would question his presence. Smiling faintly, he decided to just sit here for a while longer, even if Remus fell asleep again and he and Sirius couldn't really talk about anything. He didn't want to think about why he might be afraid to go back to Hogwarts.
A very loud growl broke his revelry.
"I can't believe this." Crumpling the paper in his fist, Sirius ranted, "Now they're blaming Dumbledore for sending Harry away. As if his presence here would have changed anything."
He didn't say it out loud, but he was actually glad Harry hadn't been home when the Death Eaters attacked. He would have been caught in the fights, probably wounded, maybe even killed. That was the one thing Sirius refused to even think about. He was not going to let Harry die, like he'd let James die.
Sighing, Harry leaned back on his chair. "I'm surprised they're not calling me a coward for going into hiding in first place." He had been certain people would see it like that.
There was a very uncomfortable silence in the room as Sirius tried to school his expression to normal. It was clear that he was angry about something, his eyes blazing with quiet rage. Somehow the effort of restraint was scarier than any rant.
"They are?" Harry asked, his eyes enormous. It wasn't surprising, but it still stung. He'd expected for something like this. From what he'd heard from Ron before their stay at the cottage, there hadn't been any slandering in the papers for ages, only rumors about his social life.
The reporters had obviously been waiting for a proper occasion to continue with the nasty articles.
Sirius shook his head slightly. "No. They're putting all the blame on Dumbledore." He couldn't say the rest of it. Could never hurt Harry, even though he thought he deserved to know. Feeling desperate, he looked at Remus for help, glad he looked more alert.
"Harry, when you went away, there was some discussion of... You running away from your destiny." It wasn't easy for Remus to say, knowing it was hurting both Harry and Sirius. He knew there was no way for Sirius to talk about this, the dark gaze haunted already, so he went on. "It was pretty bad, the press speculating on various theories before Albus put a stop to it. He gave a short statement saying that you wanted to stay and fight, and he sent you away."
He had never really understood the reason for such a comment, especially since the articles after that had been less than flattering to the Headmaster.
Harry closed his eyes. "Let me guess. That made me the hero and Dumbledore the meddlesome old coot." He had suspected it would go like this, but it still hurt, mostly because he knew now that there was no running away. No hiding.
"Yes. How did you know?"
"I... It doesn't matter. It's something Dumbledore once told me." The lie came out easily. Harry smiled at Remus, the smile not reaching his eyes.
Remus nodded, accepting that lie. He was too dizzy to continue the conversation. "All right." He let out a sigh. "May I have some of that chocolate please?" Comfort offered and shared, he leaned back against the pillows and closed his eyes.
Smiling gently at him, Sirius avoided Harry's gaze and returned to the newspaper.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
*applauds*
Date: 2006-10-09 09:05 am (UTC)*bows*
Date: 2006-10-09 03:26 pm (UTC):D Hope you crashed on a bed and not on the floor...
Re: *bows*
Date: 2006-10-09 04:56 pm (UTC)You used ON and not TO!!! Am so proud!!!!!! *wibble*
My baby's growing up!
*sniffle*
Re: *bows*
Date: 2006-10-09 05:26 pm (UTC)*applauds*
Re: *bows*
Date: 2006-10-09 11:42 pm (UTC)Re: *bows*
Date: 2006-10-09 11:48 pm (UTC)I hope the guys stay in character through the rest of the fic as well. Even though all fandoms have their share of OOC fics, I think Snarry pairing has more than its share... Probably because of the very young authors and the fact that whichever canon you follow (book or movie), the characters are so easy to interpret in dozens of ways.
Not going to say anything about the smarmy Muggle clothed smiling Snape. Not one word...
Re: *bows*
Date: 2006-10-10 12:12 am (UTC)