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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book One: -Harry can not survive his dark thoughts anymore. At least not alone.
The rest of the weekend passed rather quickly. Harry spent all his time with Ron and Hermione, trying to make them stop worrying about him. It was rather nerve wracking. He couldn't just tell them to stop, because then he'd have to acknowledge the fact that maybe there was something to worry about.
He was actually relieved to see another week begin. Sure, it meant facing yet another Monday with Divinations and Care of Magical Creatures and even the exhausting History of Magic class. It also meant that he was forced to think about something other than his problems.
How disturbing to find that he actually wanted to go to classes. That he needed the distraction.
Even professor Trelawney's predictions didn't annoy him as much as usually. She spent most of the class on Monday and the double Divinations on Tuesday predicting horrible deaths for her students. It appeared that ever since her rather persistent cold earlier that year, Trelawney had become even more morbid than before.
Harry was still relieved when the class ended. He'd never really got used to the overpowering stench of incense in the Divinations class. It always made his head hurt. He was feeling slightly nauseous when they marched into the Great Hall; he definitely didn't have any appetite now.
"At least we won't have to listen to Lavender and Parvati giggle for another two hours." Stabbing his meatloaf with his fork as if trying to kill it, Ron glared at the other end of the table where the two girls were whispering to each other, laughing quietly. "I think professor Trelawney has finally gone mad." Predicting ways Harry was going to die and then spending the rest of the class telling the girls how to read tea leaves for future spouses.
The woman was demented.
"I know. She's barmy." Harry was glad she had kept to the good old 'death by mutilation' theme with him. Listening to her babble about love and romance was really not something he wanted to do. "But it's the season, you know. Valentine's Day will be here sooner than you think."
Mentioning the dreaded day made Ron grimace. "I'd completely forgot all about that." It meant things would just get worse during Divinations. He even preferred Potions to that. "Damn!"
Harry couldn't agree more. It had been so much easier when he'd been younger, and all the other students hadn't seemed quite that eager to celebrate the holiday. The older he got, the more enthusiastic the people around him got, sending him incredible amounts of heart shaped cards and chocolate. There would be pictures of him on the cover of the Daily Prophet. Articles speculating about his love life.
Sometimes he just hated his life. Recently, 'sometimes' was more like 'all the time'.
He felt a twinge of hurt deep inside, where thinking about stuff like sugary letters and holidays shouldn't hurt. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping Ron didn't notice him acting strangely again.
It was hard to explain why thoughts like that made him depressed, but the main point was simple. It was once again proving to him that most of the wizarding world saw him through rose colored glasses. They saw whatever great hero they wanted to. Not him; the rather boring skinny young man who just wanted to be with his friends and maybe play some Quidditch.
Knowing he couldn't go to Potions class faint with hunger, he forced himself to eat his sandwich. He didn't have any illusions about Snape. The man was a mean bastard, and wouldn't suddenly turn into a kind person simply because he'd been willing to hear his insane ramblings.
Ron was babbling to Hermione, not really paying much attention to Harry. He was glad about it. He wasn't in the mood for a conversation right now.
Because of the class right after lunch, none of the seventh years lingered in the Great Hall. It would have been extremely stupid to give Snape an excuse to reduce House points. Even the Slytherins didn't want to be late. Crabbe and Goyle might be total morons, but they weren't suicidal.
After the last few weeks of classes, everyone was feeling a bit nervous. Snape's grand entry made even Malfoy look hesitant. It was clear that the professor knew exactly what they were all thinking.
Amazingly, the class was quite ordinary. Snape lectured them about the various truth serums and their opposites, the ones that made you lie about everything. Then he made everyone brew a simple latereserum.
Harry concentrated on the potion, trying not to wince as Neville managed to blow up his cauldron once again. He was determined not to lose Gryffindor any points on this class. Apparently his housemates could manage to do that without him.
Since the potion was relatively simple, everyone was eventually able to finish it, even Neville. The boy looked shocked as they tested the potion. When Ron asked him who was his favorite teacher, he promptly said, "Snape."
It made most of the class titter with laughter. To everyone's surprise, Snape raised an eyebrow, and muttered, "I'm touched."
The fact that Gryffindor lost ten more points because Neville had actually managed to make the potion right didn't surprise anyone.
When the class was finally over, Snape went to wipe the blackboard clean. His back turned to the students, he said, "Potter. Stay. I want to talk to you." He'd hoped the boy would be intelligent enough to cause trouble and earn detention. That way there would have been no explaining and excuses.
Harry was thinking about the same thing now as Ron looked at him with a question in his eyes. There was nothing he could really tell his friend. Snape's part in the fight wasn't common knowledge, not even inside the Order.
So he just shrugged. Waited until the classroom was empty before relaxing again. He couldn't really let anyone see he was actually relieved to be in Snape's company. They'd think he was insane. Hell, he thought he was insane himself. But crazy or not, he couldn't deny that he was feeling a lot better now, after talking to Snape. And now here. Because he could just be. Be himself.
"I need to make some preparations for tomorrow's class." Still busying himself with the blackboard, Snape didn't turn around. "You might want to do your homework while waiting. Unless you've changed your mind." He sounded like he didn't care one way or the other.
They boy didn't need to know that he'd spent quite some time thinking about him. About the fact that no matter how ridiculous it was, the wizarding world really did need Harry Potter, and because of that, he would try to help keep him sane. About the irony of him being the one the boy had turned to.
"Sure." Glad he hadn't put his books away yet, Harry grabbed his parchment and quill. This way he could work in peace.
It was strange, really, to spend time alone with Snape in the classroom, knowing he could leave any time he wanted. It wasn't detention. No points would be taken from Gryffindor if he decided not to stay after all. Harry had to force himself to concentrate on his homework; otherwise he would have just sat there and stared at Snape.
A little while ago, he would have sworn he hated the man and hadn't trusted him one bit. That had changed somewhere along the line. Perhaps because thinking about the ongoing -- no matter how subtle -- war had made him think about those who'd survived the last one.
Finishing with his homework, Harry let his gaze wander back to Snape. Strange. He'd never thought about Snape as anything but his teacher before, even when he'd heard the man had attended school with his parents. He was more than just a Potions professor, though. He was a survivor.
All the survivors of the first Voldemort reign of terror were somehow broken. Harry could see that. Snape was scarred, not only with the symbol etched on his arm. The suspicion, sarcasm and obvious need for solitude were probably a reminder of that era. His godfather suffered from nightmares and irrational anxieties because of the time he'd spent in Azkaban. Sirius' sanity was most probably thanks to Remus. Without him, he'd still probably be living in Hogsmeade in his Animagus form, eating scraps in the back alleys.
Even the Weasleys showed some signs of old scars that only covered painful wounds. Mrs. Weasley never showed her pain when she thought someone was watching, but Harry had seen it in her eyes.
Sometimes, Harry wondered what Dumbledore had been like before Voldemort. Before Grindelwald. There was a steel hard interior beneath the Headmaster's sometimes rather flimsy appearance. Had it been there from the beginning?
Of all these people, he'd chosen Snape to open up to.
After finishing with his preparations, Snape led Harry to his own rooms. He didn't feel comfortable talking with the boy in the classroom. It was a different world. There, he was a teacher and Potter was a student. They had certain roles they had to play. Potter's problems weren't about schoolwork, even though he would be the first to note that to be a half-truth.
Privacy was important to Snape. Some things were his, and his alone, and he guarded that privacy with fervor. It wasn't easy to invite Potter to his rooms.
He simply didn't know a place better warded than his own dungeons, so that was where they went.
"Sit down and don't touch anything." He gestured towards the familiar chair.
Harry complied, smiling a little. He was feeling rather peaceful despite Snape's curt commands. Being allowed inside these rooms was actually more than he'd ever imagined. He was glad that Snape had chosen them to talk here. The Potions classroom wasn't something he wanted to associate with this feeling.
Sitting on the same chair he'd slept in, he watched Snape put away some books and then sit down.
They sat in silence for a moment. Not exactly an uncomfortable silence, like one might have imagined. Not companionable either. Both were wondering what to say.
"Are you hungry?" That at least was a safe thing to ask. Potter wasn't all that tall, but he was still a growing adolescent. Snape could faintly remember how teenage boys always seemed to be hungry. It was proven by a small nod. "I'll order us some food then."
The house elves seemed to be ecstatic to be able to send a tray to Snape's quarters again. Dinner in the great hall was usually almost like a feast, but this went beyond that. Snape didn't really mind, even though he wasn't one to indulge in gluttony. Sipping from his mug, he watched Harry eat, and then said, "I believe we have some things to discuss."
Fork on his lips, Harry froze. He managed to swallow before agreeing, "Yes. We do." He hoped the icy tone didn't mean Snape had changed his mind.
Snape nodded. "Now..." He didn't really want to say what he'd been thinking about. It was too personal in a way. Seeing Potter look expectant, he moulded his words to be as impersonal as possible. "You may feel better now. Like maybe you won't need my..." What? Help? "... assistance anymore. However, it's probable that you may want to talk about things again. If so, you should come and see me," It sounded more like a command than an invitation.
He sat quietly and waited for Potter's comments. When it was evident the boy wasn't going to say anything, he sighed, "Say something, Mr. Potter. You were quite loquacious earlier."
Harry could remember. He was still in awe of how chaotic his own thoughts had been when he'd come to see Snape. "I think... It might be a good thing if I could drop in from time to time." That way the choking feeling might not appear again. Then he could sleep at night instead of feeling like he was getting lost inside his own mind.
"In that case, we need to set some basic rules to these conversations." Snape could never understand how some people could be so sloppy with details. He put his mug back on the table. "The Headmaster already knows you've been coming here, and he's not disapproving of your visits."
That almost made Harry laugh. No one would think there was anything inappropriate going on between him and the Potions master. Except Ron might think he was trying to corrupt Harry to the Death Eater ways.
It was probably best if he never told his friends about this.
"Like I said, I don't want you wandering around the school in the middle of the night. You may floo in if you think it's absolutely necessary during the night time."
Relieved, Harry nodded. The sinking feeling usually came at night, when everyone else was asleep and he felt like he was all alone in the world.
Snape raised up a hand. "However, you will not simply appear here whenever it's convenient to you. You'll call in first." He would want to robe himself before seeing the boy.
"Of course, sir." Harry would definitely call in first. He couldn't even imagine flooing in and then going to wake Snape up. The whole thought boggled the mind.
"You can also stay behind class and then come over. We'll keep this and the schoolwork separate. This is Order business, so it has no place in the classroom."
Snape needed it to be clear. He didn't especially like people, and Potter was one of the most annoying people he knew. The myth built around him was nauseating. He was willing to do this, as both favor to Dumbledore -- even though the man hadn't actually asked him to -- and as it was his duty as a member of the Order to see that Potter would be alive and relatively sane to face Voldemort.
He didn't want this to have any effects on his teacher-student relationship with the boy. Didn't want him to start acting like he was somehow privileged in the class.
Harry agreed with that. "Sounds good, sir." He looked down at his plate but then lifted his gaze again, determination shining in his eyes. "And these conversations will stay private."
Not exactly a question, but Snape nodded anyway. It worked both ways; he wouldn't use whatever Potter told him as a weapon and Potter never let anyone know he would actually assist the hero of their world like this.
There was a short silence Harry masked by finishing his dinner. He knew he wasn't expected to talk with his mouth full, and used that to keep the silence from becoming awkward.
Watching the rather unoriginal stalling technique, Snape wondered what he should do now. Send Potter away and let him come back when he needed? Or maybe prod a bit.
He decided on the latter, simply because he had the time to listen right now. There would be things to do later, more cold remedies for Poppy, some truth serums for the Order to use. A couple of antidotes to the badly brewed love potions that would undoubtedly circulate amongst the students around the middle of February. If Potter had a chance to talk now, he might not disturb him so often in the future.
"Tell me about the present." Black gaze burning, Snape stared at Potter. "What keeps you busy? What are you thinking right now?"
Harry thought about that for a moment. "Um... I'm thinking this is really weird." That earned him a huff, but surprisingly nothing more. He wasn't sure if Snape would take off House points for his unsatisfying answers. Probably. "Wondering when Madam Hooch will set the next Quidditch match. The war, of course. I think about that a lot. That and Voldemort."
The name made Snape shiver inside again, but he didn't let any emotion show on his face.
"Then there are other Order things. I think about my godfather a lot." Harry didn't use Sirius' name, but he could see a slight sneer spread on Snape's face anyway. "I know you hate him, but he's important to me. He's the only person outside Hogwarts who cares about me." He had intended that as a simple statement, and was stunned to hear a hint of steel in his own voice.
Snape was surprised at both the words and the tone. He never thought about Potter outside Hogwarts. Definitely didn't want to think about Sirius Black. Especially when the thought of the flea bitten mutt reminded him that he should really start the Wolfsbane potion for Lupin. Full moon was approaching.
When he realized Snape wasn't going to say anything, Harry added rather flatly, "I also think about the N.E.W.T.s. Don't know how I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort and pass the school year at the same time, though." He fell silent after that.
That was something Snape agreed on, even though he would say that the odds on Potter's passing the school year were small anyway.
He'd also realized that there was something Potter hadn't mentioned at all. Friends. The boy was rarely seen without at least one of his friends. Snape had seen the three of them walk together into the Great Hall these past two days, smiling and talking. How curious that the boy would leave that out. Keeping his voice neutral, he asked, "How about your friends? Everything all right with them?"
It had been obvious from watching Granger and Weasley that the two were worried about Potter's behavior. They tried to hide it, of course, but Snape was old enough not to be fooled by simple games played by simple people.
"Yeah." Harry nodded, thinking about how he and Ron had spent Sunday together doing all the fun things they so rarely managed to do these days. Playing chess. Flying.
Snape raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.
"Well... And no." Knowing he didn't have a reason to lie to Snape about this, Harry went on, talking about his friends. Explaining about the things that even he didn't really understand.
Listening to Potter ramble, Snape wondered just how on earth Dumbledore hadn't caught on to this before. He remembered watching Potter's father and his idiotic little group of friends and knew they had never had to deal with the things this new generation did. There had been problems, sure, but they had been dealt with. So what if one of the boys had been a werewolf? The others had still accepted him. And when they'd started to notice other boys and girls, they hadn't let any of them get between their friendship.
That had annoyed the young Severus Snape enormously. They had seemed like the core of Slytherin motto. Loyal and cunning. There had been no such loyalty among his housemates. It had been the early years of Voldemort's reign, and everyone had been more interesting in gaining personal power than making any real friends.
Snape couldn't help smiling at the irony. When Lucius Malfoy had first tried to sneak behind his back and stab him, both figuratively and literally, he hadn't been at all surprised. He could only imagine the shock of the other three Gryffindors as they'd realized their most trusted friend was actually Voldemort's ally.
"But it's okay." Smiling wryly, Harry ended his explanation. "I don't think they would understand me, but they're still my friends."
Finishing with his tea, Snape nodded. "That seems to be the way things go, yes." He knew both Weasley and Granger. Neither of them would betray Potter. Too honest and stubborn for that.
Harry hadn't expected to get a real answer. Not that one was even needed. It was enough to be able to share his thoughts with someone. Didn't matter who, really. Before realizing Snape would be the only person he could talk to, he'd even thought of going to Trevor with his worries, just to have someone to talk to. The problem was that Neville never let the toad out of his sight these days.
It was actually nice to not have any sarcastic comments thrown at him, even if he'd been quite prepared for those as well. He'd come to expect for them, knowing they were a part of Snape, like the ever-present tea and various sweets were a part of Dumbledore. He couldn't imagine Snape without the cutting comments any more than he could imagine Filch without Mrs. Norris.
It was as if Snape was indeed taking his duty literally. He was listening, and that was it. To Harry's relief that was enough.
He left the dungeons shortly after that. He didn't really have more to say to Snape. Wandering through the corridors, he wondered what to tell his friends; they were worried and they would be asking questions. Ron would be easy to evade with a growled 'I don't want to talk about it', but Hermione wasn't going to settle for anything that simple. She'd want to hear logical explanations.
In the end, he went with a half-truth. When Ron and Hermione cornered him the moment he was back at the Gryffindor tower, he simply said Snape had expressed his utter disgust with his schoolwork, saying he wouldn't probably pass his N.E.W.T.s at that rate.
Hermione looked stunned at that. "But you've studied just as hard as we have. And you haven't been spending half the year running around the Forest or lying in the hospital wing." She seemed really annoyed at Snape's behavior.
"Well, you know Snape." It was all understandable to Ron.
Fortunately, there were no more questions after that. Harry was too tired to think of any plausible lies anyway.
That night, when he was lying in bed, Harry wondered about Ron's words. He didn't really think anyone knew Snape. He certainly didn't.
He couldn't really believe what had happened these past few weeks. His own mental state, which worried him even now. Snape's strange offer of help. Or actually, Snape's response to his pleas for help; Snape wasn't exactly offering him anything.
Harry didn't really care why the usually so vicious man was willing to listen to him, it could be any reason. Maybe Dumbledore had asked him to do it, or maybe Snape really believed it was his duty. He could see something familiar in Harry's behavior. It didn't really matter.
Feeling sleep pull him towards sweet oblivion, Harry smiled. He wasn't going to think about anything right now. He was simply going to sleep.
Okay, that was book 1. Book 2 The Great Hall is currently in beta and will start posting as soon as I get it back; the same deal here as well with one chapter every other day.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-22 03:19 am (UTC)i won't comment on every chapter, but i'll read everything.
really, i'm enjoying this. props to ya.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-22 03:51 pm (UTC)Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 10:12 pm (UTC)Many coodos to you. I'll be joyfully reading everything though I may not comment all the time. Probably just at the endof each book or if something particularly grabs me.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 10:18 pm (UTC)Ron on the other hand... I like him being belligerent and confused but he's still Harry's friend and a teenage boy. At times I want to hug him and then I want to strangle him.
:D Feel free to comment anything or nothing, I'm just glad you like reading the story.
Excellent read
Date: 2006-10-03 10:19 pm (UTC)Re: Excellent read
Date: 2006-10-04 07:33 pm (UTC)All kinds of comments or no comments are cool, I'm posting this in parts to make me finish writing the darn thing, not to be a fb hungry evil person. :D
*blushes* Thank you for your kind words!
no subject
Date: 2007-07-08 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-08 07:33 pm (UTC)The really fun part was writing the supporting cast. Draco was my absolute favorite, 'cause he goes through so much and still remains mostly the rather nasty Slytherin he is. It would really be awful to go through what he's going at this point of the fic, where you don't really know to whom to be true.