Fic: No Hiding Place book One: The Dungeons (5/9)

[sua_lay]

Title: No Hiding Place: Book One: The Dungeons (5/9)
Author: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book One: -Harry can not survive his dark thoughts anymore. At least not alone.

Part 5

It was funny how anxious everyone was to see the Hogsmeade weekend approach.

Most of the students had spent the holidays feasting on all the traditional wizarding goodies. Those with Muggle blood had also stuffed themselves with Muggle delicacies. There had been presents, from all the sensible things adults loved to give to the completely pointless ones. All reason suggested no one in Hogwarts was at all interested in anything one could buy at Honeydukes or at Zonko's.

Then again, when did reason have anything to do with the wizarding world?

Since there had been no sign of Voldemort planning an attack on Hogwarts, the teachers had decided to continue the tradition. Hogsmeade weekends were returned to the schedule. Third years were thrilled, being finally able to go and waste all their allowance in the famous shops.

Older students were just as enthusiastic. Hogsmeade offered a change of scenery, a new form of freedom. They would enjoy roaming the streets.

Harry had his slip, Sirius' name freshly written on it. They'd had quite an argument after the last Order meeting about him going to Hogsmeade. His opinion being he should go anywhere he pleased. Sirius' being that he should stay somewhere safe.

Sirius should have known from the beginning that he'd lose that argument. During his own time at Hogwarts, there had been only one boy to match his stubbornness with pig headedness bordering on lunacy. It was only natural Harry would have inherited that trait from his father.

It would be wonderful to be able to get away from school for one afternoon. There had been more secret meetings and advanced DADA training after the holidays. Even Quidditch practice didn't make Harry feel much better anymore. Maybe spending the day with Ron and Hermione and then getting a serious sugar high would.

At least that was what he hoped.

Earlier that Saturday, Madam Hooch and professor McGonagall had gone to Hogsmeade to make certain there wouldn't be any Death Eaters lurking around. They were late; returning to school an hour after lunchtime had ended, and were greeted by a crowd of anxious teenagers.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood near the door, knowing what would happen if they let the third years to barge into Hogsmeade before them. It had happened before. Streets full of children on a sugar high. Witches and wizards at Honeydukes working overtime trying to replenish the shelves with all sorts of small gadgets from Zonko’s going off around them. A few large canaries running around in panic.

Not to say it wasn't fun to watch. It was simply much more fun to actually buy stuff first, then watch the third years. After that, they could go to the Three Broomsticks for dinner.

"Let's go!" As soon as professor McGonagall announced it was safe to go, Ron rushed to the door, dragging the others with him. "Quickly! Before the third years stampede over us."

Draco Malfoy, followed by Crabbe and Goyle as always, sneered at the other trio. "So anxious to go and spend your two Knuts, Weasley? Be careful! You might have the desire to spend three, and bankrupt your whole family!"

It wasn't all that original -- considering it was about the same thing he'd said every year -- but Crabbe and Goyle still laughed.

Ron ignored him. His face was reddening, but he chose to shut his ears and plough forward. Hitting Malfoy would only lead to a very angry McGonagall and she would undoubtedly deny him access to Hogsmeade.

He was quite proud of his self control.

Harry was enjoying the brisk walk. It was chilly outside, but as soon as they reached the small village, they all seemed to forget the weather. Zonko's was having a sale -- probably because of the fierce competition provided by the new shop down the lane -- but Ron ignored the signs and dragged Harry and Hermione to Honeydukes first.

It was the same every time; Ron running around, trying to grab everything he saw. After last year's catastrophe with Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, he stayed away from those, but that was about the only shelf he left untouched. Harry sighed as he saw him grab a bag of Droobles Best Blowing Gum. There'd be bubbles in their dormitory for days.

He didn't really mind. It was fun to watch his friend's enthusiasm. Ron had been saving for this trip, and was now ecstatic over all the things he could buy.

Shopping seemed to fulfill some deep need in his friend. Remembering how it had felt to shop at Diagon Alley for the first time with Hagrid, Harry smiled. It had felt wonderful to be able to buy something for himself.

After they'd finished with buying sweets, Hermione dragged them to Dervish and Banges to buy new quills and the few books she needed.

Harry watched as Hermione showed similar joy browsing through books as Ron had in the candy store. He wasn't really interested in buying anything. He just followed his friends.

When the others had completely exhausted their need to buy stuff, they walked slowly towards the Three Broomsticks.

"I do wish they'd warn third years at the stores." Hermione glared at the two giant canaries crossing the street before them. It was clear some of the kids hadn't heard of Canary Custard before. "Every year! This is ridiculous!"

Ron didn't even try to hide his laughter. "Hey, at least they don't have to buy quills." An evil glint appeared in his eyes. "I wonder if we should give Snape's defeathering charm a try."

Imagining the canaries running around with no feathers made Harry laugh as well. Hermione tried to look disapproving, but even she had to smile at that.

There were a few people sitting around the tables already as they walked into the Three Broomsticks. Madam Rosmerta smiled at them as they pulled up chairs. "Welcome back dears. It hasn't been the same without you children here."

"Thank you." For the obvious reason Ron could never be annoyed at people who were trying to mother him, even though he did resent being called a child. "Three Butterbeers, please."

Harry looked around. It was nice in here. Nice and quiet. He didn't really like crowds. They gave him an uncomfortable feeling between his shoulder blades. It was different at Hogwarts. There he was relatively safe from anyone who'd actually stab him in the back.

He'd been amazed that morning to be anxious to go to Hogsmeade. Ever since that dismal night a few weeks back, he'd been feeling a bit better, but nothing had really interested him much. Like life was almost on a hold. Classes followed other classes; evenings were full of studying for classes or for the Order. Meetings. Quidditch practices. Nothing changed. Sometimes Harry felt he was watching someone else's life. Some poor bugger's extremely boring life.

A little boredom was a good thing. Excitement usually led to disaster. It meant Voldemort and his Death Eaters. People dying.

This was definitely better.

"Here you are." Madam Rosmerta placed three tankards of Butterbeer on the table. As Harry reached into his pocket for money, she waved her hand, "No, it's all right. They're already paid for." She gestured to the table at the back.

Feeling suspicious, Harry turned to see who had bought them the drinks as Hermione took out her wand and cast a small charm on the tankards, checking them out to see if they were safe to drink. It was instinctual now.

Two middle-aged witches smiled at Harry, waving as he met their eyes.

"Not reporters. More of the fan club, I guess." It was a resigned sigh. Harry forced himself to smile back, and then drink, even though he didn't feel thirsty anymore.

Ron nodded. "Yeah. But you know, it's perfectly natural." He'd got over his rather dark feelings about people being all so damn impressed with Harry. "They're all wondering when Vo... You-Know-Who will strike again." It was amazing how the Order's way of using the dark wizard's real name had rubbed off.

"I say it's ridiculous." After the things Rita Skeeter had written about her, Hermione had grown annoyed with all the attention. "Sounds like Muggle movies. You-Know-Who strikes back. Everyone's waiting for it to just end, but all the fawning doesn't change a thing."

Harry had to swallow hard, as the Butterbeer tried to come up. He didn't want to think about that. Didn't want to speculate about Voldemort right now. He was here to have fun. This was the first time in ages he'd had a whole day off to spend his time with his friends, and he was going to enjoy it even if it killed him!

Considering his attitude, it was no wonder he had a huge headache that night.

He'd done his best to smile at Ron's jokes, had listened to Hermione's rather snarky comments. Waved at all the people who
recognized him and called out his name. Stuffed himself first at the Three Broomsticks and later back at the Gryffindor common room. Didn't think about this being his last year at Hogwarts or Voldemort or the Order.

So why was he covered in cold sweat when the lights went out? Once again, he lay in his bed, listening to Ron snore and Neville talk in his sleep, feeling like the walls were closing in on him. He kept his eyes closed, hoping it was just a figment of his imagination. It had been a good day. No need to ruin it now by freaking out.

The thought only made him feel worse. He was not supposed to do this. He was supposed to be the strong savior of the wizarding world. He was supposed to be lots of things, all of which were making him want to throw up.

Harry ground his teeth together, wrapping his blanket tighter around him. He wished he could just lie here and hide for the rest of his life. To become one with the bed and get cosy with the dust mites. It would be so wonderful. Sleep, or just lie here. With no worries.

He swallowed hard at the thought. It was sounding a bit too much like he was thinking about death here.

Needing to get out of bed immediately, he struggled with the beddings. He couldn't stay here. Too many heavy thoughts and too much silence. Ron's snoring didn't really help. The silence was still suffocating him.

He got up and padded out of the room. The invisibility cloak remained in the trunk. He didn't really want to go walking around the castle again. There was no place he could hide from his own thoughts. That night a couple of weeks ago had shown him that.

No place he could go to.

There was a fire burning in the fireplace in the common room. Harry walked to one of the armchairs, staring at the wizard's chess on the table. The pieces were snoring softly.

It was strange, how everything seemed to be mocking him these days, reminding him of things he couldn't do anymore. Couldn't rely on Hermione being there to help him with her razor sharp mind, simply because there were things he had to do and places he had to go where she couldn't follow. Couldn't tell Ron all his worries while playing chess.

More thoughts he didn't want to entertain right now. It was as if his mind was trying to gather every painful idea and then shove them right there for him to process at once. He didn't want to think of anything. Didn't want to feel anything.

The emptiness inside him was just as bad; when he couldn't feel anything. It was a paradox, to desire the one thing that hurt more than anything. It wasn't fair, he wanted to shout. None of this was fair. The desire to scream out and maybe punch something was almost overwhelming, but he couldn't do that. Couldn't let anyone see him like this or screaming and shouting. Because he had to stay cool. That was his job.

He stared at the chess pieces, envying them of their peaceful sleep.

It was getting worse, somehow. The large room wasn't suddenly big enough for him and his thoughts. The need was burning inside of him again, as brightly as the fire in the fireplace.

Harry flinched. It was the one thing he hadn't thought of. He did have a way to stop this feeling. At least the last time he'd felt like this, one thing had helped. He took a deep breath and imagined going to talk to someone. There was someone he could talk to if he wanted to. That ought to make him feel better.

It didn't. The need was making his chest ache. Knowing he could go wasn't enough anymore. He had to act.

Hands sweating slightly, he stood up and walked to the fireplace. There was a small jar of floo powder on the mantle. He was pretty sure it had never been used to do what he was planning. No Gryffindor alive would be calling to the Slytherin dungeons. No student would dare to interrupt the dreaded Potions master during this hour. Or any hour. At least if they were sane.

Harry wasn't certain he was anymore. He knew he was tired and stressed, and more than just suspected he was going out of his mind. Snape had said he could go to him if he needed help. It hadn't been a gracious invitation, but an invitation nevertheless.

He'd do anything to make this feeling go away. He'd scrub cauldrons until blood poured from beneath his fingernails, would stay in detention every single evening. Would probably sing and dance in the Slytherin common room if it just made the emptiness go away.

"Um..." Snatching a handful of the glittering powder, Harry stared into the flames. His hand didn't seem to shake anymore. He didn't know why. Maybe he'd calmed down, or maybe he was shaking all over now. Tossing the handful to the flames, he muttered, "Professor Snape." Then he stood there, waiting.

What if Snape was sleeping? He didn't seem like the kind of man to be very happy about being woken up in the middle of the night. Or maybe he wasn't home. That thought chilled Harry. He'd probably try to find him in that case. Tear through the castle if necessary.

During the long seconds he stood there, another thought popped up in his mind. What if Snape had changed his mind? What if he had realized -- as Harry had -- that the whole thing had been insane? Why would the professor want to spend his time listening to him blather about his feelings?

He was so lost inside his own misery, he didn't even notice when the flames changed, Snape's face appearing in them. "Mr. Potter. Is there a reason you have to do this in the middle of the night?" He didn't sound crankier than usually, which was not telling anything about his mood.

"I'm sorry, sir. I..." Harry struggled to get the apology out. He knew he'd hate himself in the morning if he felt any better. The memory of stuttering in front of Snape would probably make him gag. But the point was to get to where he could be embarrassed about all this. He wasn't there yet.

Snape cut his apology short. "I don't need your apologies, Mr. Potter. Floo in if you wish to talk to me." He sounded like he didn't really care whether he wanted to talk or not.

It was almost pitiful how relieved Harry felt by that. No pressure. No expectations. No way for him to disappoint or shock anyone. "Thank you, sir." Ironic. Snape had saved his life more than once, but this was the first time he had ever openly thanked him. And meant it as well.

"Stop babbling and come on over. It's late already." With that, Snape's face disappeared from the flames.

Harry shuddered. At least he hadn't lost any points from Gryffindor. For some reason, he had the feeling he probably would before the night was over.

---

Comments

[garish-light04.livejournal.com]

The talk! The next chapter should be rather interesting...

And the description of the Hogsmeade excursion was delightful to read-I really felt as if I were seeing the same things as Harry. And for that trip to suddenly turn sour-it was rather sad. =(

I love the little things that you include in your chapters. For example, the detail about the chessman sleeping-I love little insights like that. I'm enjoying everything so far, and I can't wait for the next part!

--Garish Light

PS-Read your post describing the relationship between Severus and Harry not being a therapeutic one-I completely agree with you. A solid relationship can't be built with a foundation of a 'sick' person and 'doctor'. Cheers!

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

*smirk* Yes, they shall have the talk in the next chapter! Er... Kinda.

I felt bad for Harry too, 'cause no matter what he tries to do, he's constantly reminded of what people expect of him. I think the annoyance and suspicion might be even easier to bear, 'cause at least that's something he's used to. The wizarding world has a weird view on what Harry Potter is, and it's going to be impossible to actually living up to their expectations.

Had to make the definition of Harry not being clinically depressed and Snape not being his therapist because a few people wrote me about it, worried it'd be a 800 pages long story about Harry struggling to get healed. That might be a cool story too, but not as a romance. Love and sex don't heal things that way, it'd actually make things worse.

Also, most fics that somehow deal with a serious trauma usually wallow in the trauma for a while and then presto! They fall in love, have fabulous sex and everyone's perfectly happy and healed and the end of fic. Personally, I find that both stupid and insulting towards people who actually have to live through depression, various eating disorders, the aftermath of rape and other such things so popular in fic.

Cheers! :D

[garish-light04.livejournal.com]

Personally, I don't think Harry is 'clinically depressed' in your fic-I think that the amount of pressure he's under as a seventeen year old, as well as the normal school stuff, AND not to mention the little problem known as his archenemies...I think that would be enough for anyone to recognize a 'darkness' within them. And it's like you said-Harry is 'The Boy Who Lived' to most people-his outside persona is huge! But on the inside is his real self-and I imagine not many people see that. That leads to: a giant mess. It's what keeps bringing me back (the conflict!!!! yay conflict and tension and delicious drama! *cough*)-I really think that something like that taking a loving 800 pages to work through is excellent. Harry's not battling depression...he's just battling his own life!

Depression rarely disappears. It's something that that person will have to battle for the rest of their lives. It's a scary thing-and while people CAN get better, it is a struggle where support and love is needed in gracious amounts. Most people really don't understand depression as a serious problem (you can just get happier! what's your problem? sort of thing) and it basically shows the ignorance of the world =) Your point is spot on, as always-I seem to agree with you a lot! *grins*

While I have never suffered from depression, several close family members have. I have NO idea the amount of stress and anxiety related to eating disorders. But my real thing is about rape-I can only imagine the pain and complete despair a person must go through. While some fics accurately portray such events (nothing fluffy about that), others merely use them as plot points within their stories. I have read several, and some I have even liked...but it always leaves me a little less jaded against them. And rape isn't something you want to get use to. It is one of the most horrific things that a person can do to another person, in my opinion.

Sorry to spam your post with my nonsense. I'll keep with context next time! =)

--GL

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

I have always felt that even as these young 'heroes' will probably be more than capable of acting when needed and will eventually save the day, the thought of a teenage boy being mature enough to deal with all the pressure is rather ridiculous. The fact that Harry should probably be seriously messed up already because of his past isn't helping.

He might be able to deal with a lot of things rationally, after he convinces himself that something needs to be done. But that doesn't mean he's emotionally mature to deal with the stress.

Ahem. Does it show that I work with traumatized people?

The thing with poor Harry is that he's realizing that it's still relatively peaceful, the moment before the storm so to speak, and he already feels this bad. Whatever will happen when Voldemort's people start the open war and he has to deal with death and violence every day?

I've never been really depressed either, but I can relate to Harry's moodiness (er... in a less teenage angsty way of course!). On some level being actually depressed might be easier to him; then he could say he's sick and be somehow treated for his condition. The anxiety and the worries and feeling blue might somehow be controlled, but when you can't, you're weak or bad. Two things the Great Harry Potter can never really be.

Support and love will heal, but sometimes people confuse support with coddling. Hugs will help a lot, but then someone needs to love you and be strong enough to kick your ass too. In a loving way of course.

Fics sometimes manage to deal with rape perfectly, but unfortunately most slash rapefics I've read wallow in the horror and then turn the character dynamics upside down. The rape victim becomes a 'girl' and the other guys bathes him and calls him sweetheart. Considering the issues of reclaiming the power over your own body in female rape, I can't really even imagine how awful it would be for a man who is raped and then finds himself attracted to another man.

I had to think very hard before I decided that yes, I will include offscreen het rape in the fic. Didn't want to make it just a dramatic choice, but to show that war really is hell and rape has very little to do with sex. Unlike in actual rape fics, this one will deal with the people around the rape victim and how they deal with the whole thing.

:D Spamming is good! Well, this kind of spam anyway. Intelligent conversations are always welcome.

[garish-light04.livejournal.com]

You are completely right. Rape is never about sex-it's about control. Control over someone like that is more insulting and degrading than merely beating them...or even killing them. A rape victim must live with that violation of their personal EVERYTHING for the rest of their lives-and your point about a man being raped and then finding themselves attracted to men...I imagine that it would be utterly devastating. But you have a rather valid point: war is a HORRIBLE event, and you can't write a realistic work including war without including some of the unpleasant aspects (and I use 'unpleasant' here loosely-it's horrific) But an OFF-scene rape dealing with the consequences seems more...respectful than a full on rape.

And you're right...a good kick in the ass can sometimes mean more than a hug. I imagine tough love will be Severus' forte.

Intelligent conversation can often be elusive-I am enjoying the sparring (though we seem to agree on most points) Talk to you soon!

--GL

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

The thing about using rape in fic is that (and don't kill me now) sometimes rape fantasies can be exciting and sometimes rape as a thing in a story is disgusting. It's always awful to read a fic where the author can't decide which she's writing; a guilty pleasure for people who don't find eroticizing something like rape squicky or a crime that has lots of reprecussions for the future.

Of course people who are raped in fic are always the young and the pretty, as if that's underlying the sexual aspect in the monstrous deed. Which is just... wrong.

Snape is definitely not the hugs and kisses kind of a man, or at least not yet. I don't think he has any familiarity with real and equal physical relationship that goes beyond simple sex.

Oh, sparring is fun too! It's annoying when someone agrees with you just because they don't really have an opinion of their own, and that will hardly be an issue with us. :D

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inzilbeth_/]

I am very excited about your story and I am enjoying your writing very much. I enjoyed the detailed things you have included in the personalities of the trio. The chicken comments were very amusing. I can understand the feelings Harry has as if "the walls" are closing in. I am anxious to see if he can open up to Snape and what Snape's reactions will be. I would like to friend you to have easy access to your chapters when you post. Thanks!

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

Am glad you've enjoyed my story this far and hope you'll continue to do so.

I like the idea of showing glimpses of the 'supporting cast', maybe giving hints of what my interpretation of them is, especially since the story deals with 3 years into the future from the canon I follow.

Trying to cope with school and graduating and the idea of adult life is probably bad enough for someone like Harry. Add the expectations of him saving the world and being a great hero and no wonder he feels like the walls are closing in.

Snape... I hope he'll stay constant and Snapeish, for I really don't see him rushing to pet and coddle Harry. That kind of a reaction would not only be OOC, it would probably just destroy the possibility of a romantic relationship. :D But will see. Whatever happens, it won't be quick and instantatious.

Yeah, friending is always okay. Like I said, one chapter every other day. For the next year or so...

*facepalm*

[yura-slash.livejournal.com]

He was quite proud of his self control. oh ron! you're so cute!

i also forgot to mention that i really liked the bit about dumbledore not checking the students for the dark mark. it makes sense that he wouldn't want to drive students away and further into the arms of their dark families, despite the risk of a spy.

can't wait to read the next chapter! *crosses fingers for some snarry*

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

I wonder if I would ever use the word cute to describe Ron. Yeah, probably, even though he's a total idiot. :D

Dumbledore sure has his reasons and he probably plays everything two steps ahead of the others. Crafty old bugger.

I wonder if I should just come out and say it... No snarry going to happen in some time now. At least openly snarry. Sooner or later you'll start screaming 'get ON with it already!!!' and even then it'll take a while for them to actually get together. Sorry. :P