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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book One: -Harry can not survive his dark thoughts anymore. At least not alone.
Harry was amazed to realize he was actually feeling better the next morning.
Last night, he'd stumbled out of the fireplace in the common room, covered in soot, and almost coughed up a lung. He'd done that as
quietly as possible, trying not to wake anyone. After climbing up to the dormitory, he'd sneaked into the shower.
Cleaning up had actually felt wonderful. He'd stood under the warm spray of water for a long time, enjoying the feeling.
When he'd padded out of the bathroom, he'd felt really tired. He had no idea how long he'd slept outside Snape's rooms, but since it was still dark outside, it couldn't have been long. His own bed felt so much better than the hard stone floor, and it didn't take long for him to fall asleep.
He'd been the last in the room to wake up, this time seeing Ron's smiling face as he'd opened his eyes. Muttering darkly at the cheeriness of his friend, he'd dragged himself up, going through his morning routines. Then he'd followed the others to the Great Hall.
"Double Divinations after breakfast. I'm definitely not up to it this early. You know how Trelawney will be. She's probably seen some dreadful omen in the full moon or something." Not letting the prospect of suffering through the dreaded class affect his appetite, Ron shoved eggs in his mouth between sentences.
Harry smiled a little. "You'd think she'd have run out of doomy predictions after all these years, but no. I'm rather impressed with her skill." He was quite surprised to be actually hungry this morning. Reaching out, he piled some sausages on his plate.
"Mmh." Chewing hard, Ron nodded. "I bet Lavender is ecstatic about it. Gah. I think double Divinations is worse than anything. Even Potions."
The words made Harry glance at the Head Table. He saw Snape talking with professor Sprout. The sight made him shake his head. What on earth had he been thinking last night? "I don't know."
"Don't know what?" Sitting down next to Harry, Hermione grabbed a roll. She seemed rather grumpy this morning. No surprise there. She didn't have any classes on Tuesday mornings, and that always made her surly.
"About double Divinations being worse than double Potions." Ron managed the whole sentence before stuffing his mouth again.
Hermione smiled wickedly. "I'd say Potions is worse. At least you can sleep through Divinations and don't have to suffer Malfoy." Her last words were accompanied by a nasty glare over her shoulder.
"I agree." There was annoyance in Ron's voice. He stopped eating long enough to glower at the Slytherin table as well. "That git is just getting worse every year."
Harry blinked. He hadn't really been listening to his friends lately. Too much to think about, maybe. "What did Malfoy do this time?" Had to be something extra nasty by the look on Hermione's face.
"The usual. Comments about my parents, causing trouble." Slicing her roll in half, Hermione huffed, "Ever since the holidays, he's been acting like a total idiot. Like he owns the whole world."
"Maybe someone should check out his arm." Ron was certain Malfoy was a Death Eater in the making, if not one already. "I bet he got a nice new tattoo as a present."
That made Harry and Hermione exchange looks.
Harry had tried to pay attention at the Order meetings, and knew Dumbledore had opposed Ministry's suggestion to inspect every Slytherin's arm upon the beginning of the spring term. The Headmaster had said that was prejudiced, and that if even one student was inspected, then everyone should be, including the teachers and everyone on the board of governors.
That had ended the conversation.
"Maybe we should do some research. On how to spot a Dark Mark through magic." Hermione suggested. "We could meet at the library after classes."
Almost nodding, Harry groaned. "Can't. I have detention." Seeing the questioning looks, he said, "Um... Went out to check something out last night. Snape caught me. Detention."
"How many points did we lose?" Glaring at Harry, Ron actually lowered his fork. "Are we at minus yet?"
"Actually, he took just ten points. And gave me detention." It was quite hilarious to watch Ron and Hermione gawk at him. Harry shrugged. "He will probably make me scrub cauldrons with my toothbrush."
He couldn't tell anyone about the things he told Snape the night before. Didn't think anyone would believe him even if he did. But he wanted to keep it between the two of them, in case he was actually insane enough to talk to the man.
Ron picked up his fork again. "No matter. Just wish we could win the House cup." He ate a sausage, and added, "Even though I doubt that's gonna be a big deal this year. You-Know-Who's probably got something huge planned for this spring."
The words made Harry lose all appetite. He only managed to force some of the juice down, knowing he would faint in the heavily incensed Divinations classroom if he didn't get something in his stomach.
After breakfast, Hermione went to the library as Harry and Ron sauntered towards Divinations. They passed some Slytherins by, not paying any attention to them before they heard peals of laughter coming from the group.
Ron glared back with an annoyed expression. He shuddered as he saw Pansy Parkinson kiss Blaise Zabini in the corridor. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
Silently, Harry agreed. He could see panic in Zabini's eyes. No wonder. Anyone willing to kiss Pansy Parkinson would be blind, deaf and probably quite out of their mind.
"Jealous, Weasel?" The familiar drawl was amused. Draco Malfoy walked by, smiling sweetly at Ron's disgust. "Maybe if you beg nicely, Pansy will kiss you as well." His eyes glinted malevolently. "Or maybe she has better taste than that."
Harry grabbed Ron's arm, seeing the telltale signs of an upcoming fight. "Don't. He's not worth it." He dragged his friend to the stairs, not paying any attention to Malfoy's snickers.
"One day I'm going to kick his smug arse," Ron muttered angrily, cheeks still flushed.
"Yeah, but not now. We're already late for Divinations." Keeping a steady pace, Harry lead the way to the classroom.
Draco Malfoy was glad Potter had dragged Weasley away. The two Gryffindors would have been pleased to see real hurt in his eyes. He blinked it away in a second, but knew that if they had stayed, they would have seen how much Potter's words had stung.
Not worth even a fight.
Not like their first years, when a few well placed insults had got Potter and his annoying friends into trouble every time.
Things had definitely changed, and not for the good. Draco shook his head at that. The stuff at school was just the tip of the iceberg. Pansy's recent behavior was a proof of it.
Walking slowly towards the Arithmancy class, Draco thought about that kiss he'd witnessed. A year earlier, that would never have happened. Pansy might have always been a bully, but there had been rules among the Slytherins. They were all loyal to each other. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were to be ignored or used. Gryffindors were to be ridiculed and hated with burning hatred. But other Slytherins were all brothers or sisters.
The Head of the Slytherin House never had to discipline House members for treating other Slytherins badly. That simply didn't happen. They stood as a united front against all the rest.
But now Pansy was kissing Blaise who quite obviously didn't want to be the object of her affections. Draco remembered seeing Blaise with a Hufflepuff girl at the Yule Ball. Maybe his housemate didn't have good taste, but not bad enough to be attracted to Pansy either.
It wasn't hard to figure out what was making Pansy act like this. The same thing was happening to other Slytherins, from seventh years to first years. The Parkinsons had been at the Malfoy Mansion during the holidays, as well as other powerful families. Death Eaters most of them, bringing their progeny to be approved by the Dark Lord.
Draco suppressed a shudder. It had been the worst Christmas ever.
He could remember how his greatest aspiration in world had once been to become like his father. His dream had been to become a Death Eater, a follower of the Dark Lord. To be one of the chosen ones, to be close to the greatest power in the world.
What a twat he'd been.
He'd seen things that would make some faint, others vomit. Had seen the Dark Lord himself. It had been a terrifying moment, really. He'd always thought it would be full of glory. How wrong he had been.
There had been things his father had forgot to mention; lots of groveling, fear so thick one could smell it in the air. Voldemort being wand happy about the smallest of excuses, punishing his own followers for any misdemeanor. He could have dealt with that, could have handled the pain and the humiliation. But he'd seen something he'd never imagined.
The Death Eaters competing for their Master's favors. Backstabbing each other at every chance.
Draco had been astonished by how strongly he'd felt about that. He'd always prided himself for being without scruples. Known that one day he would be respected throughout the wizarding world, like his father. Seeing the Death Eaters gather together had been a huge disappointment.
No respect. No honor. Only a group of men and women who were all afraid of the one they had chosen to serve.
His father had been so proud presenting him to the Dark Lord. Showing him off as if he was a prize of sorts. He hadn't understood some of the comments the others had made about him until later that night, when the masked people had partied in the great hall of his home mansion.
Compared to that, Pansy Parkinson was acting like a Muggle nun.
He paused for a moment before entering the classroom, moulding his expression into its usual sneer. He was confused for the first time in his life and had absolutely no idea what to do next. There was no one to turn to. His father would be furious to hear his thoughts. The Head of his House was his father's friend. Professor Sinistra, who was also a Slytherin, was too powerless to help him. He'd be damned if he crawled to Dumbledore or the other teachers.
There was only one thing he was sure of; he didn't want to become a Death Eater. Now he just had to figure a way to escape that destiny. He didn't want to become like Pansy Parkinson, or Crabbe's father. Or like his own father. There was no glory in serving Voldemort.
He remembered the sorry figure of Peter Pettigrew, the famous traitor. The person who'd helped the Dark Lord the most, even though their plans hadn't gone that perfectly after all. He remembered Pettigrew's lost expression and the hand he tried to hide inside his robes. That was the reward of being the Dark Lord's servant. His slave.
Only when the sneer was firmly in place did he step into the classroom.
On the other side of the school, Ron was enjoying the best Divinations class ever. Professor Trelawney seemed to have lost her voice, and she was sitting on a fluffy pillow wearing heavy robes and a long scarf around her neck.
Since the professor couldn't talk, they spent the double class doing tarot readings on each other. Parvati and Lavender cast worried glances at Trelawney every five minutes, looking absolutely forlorn. The professor walked around the room, watching them interpret the cards, nodding at the most morose ones. She seemed to perk up as Harry's reading showed Death, then glared at Ron who stated that Death also represented change, not just real death.
Harry was pretty impressed Ron actually knew that.
After class, they marched to the library to see if Hermione had come up with anything about Dark Marks. Apparently there were dozens of books about them, some in the restricted section. She'd managed to get her hands on the most rudimentary ones, most of which she'd already read during the fifth year DADA course.
Harry promised to try and get a slip from some of the teachers. He'd have to ask Dumbledore the next time the Order was meeting. He was pretty sure the Headmaster would give him one. Of course he could have simply told Madam Pince that he needed the book in order to help Fawkes, but that was for emergencies. This didn't exactly qualify.
Lunch was pure torture for Harry. Divinations had actually been hilarious, and he'd been distracted by Ron's funny readings. It had been nice to be able not to think about anything.
Now he was forced to think about the upcoming Potions class. As so often after finding himself in that dark place full of desperation, he was a bit embarrassed about his actions the previous night. He couldn't believe he'd actually gone to Snape. Couldn't believe what Snape had said to him.
Hermione looked at Harry, shaking her head at the familiar frown on his face. She glanced at Ron, who shrugged.
They'd noticed the way their friend had become withdrawn the past few months. No. It had started long before that. Ever since their fourth year, Harry had become quieter. More focused on things.
It had to be because of the upcoming war. Both Hermione and Ron were a part of Dumbledore's silent task force, both proud to be members of the Order. They knew all about what people feared would happen in a few months.
What they didn't know was that they weren't a part of the Order's inner circle. Mostly because the Headmaster wanted the students to be allowed to be children. Partly because that was what Harry wanted.
Seeing Harry disappear more often during the evenings, seeing him frown almost constantly was worrying his friends.
"So. You ready for Potions?" Pushing his plate away from him, Ron covered a slight burp with his hand. Yes, his mother had managed to teach him some manners. "Or is that like a stupid question? Can anyone be ready for that?"
Hermione's glare was instinctive. "Yes. By actually studying for it." She knew what he meant, though. Not all the studying in the world could make you prepared for Potions. Not as long as you were a Gryffindor and professor Snape was still teaching.
"I could always take Vomiting potion and spend the day with Madam Pomfrey." Ron sounded like that was an excellent idea. Then he remembered Charlie telling him that he'd actually tried that once, and then spent a week in detention. Maybe not something he should try.
Harry watched his friends bicker and smiled slightly. He could get through the day. He knew he could. "Come on. We definitely don't
want to be late for this."
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Date: 2006-04-11 02:04 am (UTC)Also, Hermione's being surly because she didn't have classes just made me chuckle.
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Date: 2006-04-11 02:09 am (UTC):D
Yeah, that's our Hermione. Poor girl.
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Date: 2006-04-15 08:17 pm (UTC)so anyways, i liked this chapter - the insight into malfoy was good and the bit about hermione being surly startled a laugh out of me. and on i march...
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Date: 2006-09-21 05:26 pm (UTC)I must be odd, 'cos I'd enjoy listening to Syb make a fool out of herself with her doomy doom predictions. XD
Draco had been astonished by how strongly he'd felt about that. He'd always prided himself for being without scruples. Known that one day he would be respected throughout the wizarding world, like his father. Seeing the Death Eaters gather together had been a huge disappointment.
Interesting twist on Draco. It's true, though -- Draco's always been one for glory. Voldemort doesn't allow "glory" he allows only fear, hate, and desperation. Something Draco's been brought up to loathe and avoid at all costs. So to suddenly be turned around -- having heard "Malfoys don't cower" and "Malfoys never grovel" all his life -- and be told "cower and grovel at your master's feet" is.. it's not something anyone could hop into. NO ONE would want to, but a Malfoy especially.
As so often after finding himself in that dark place full of desperation, he was a bit embarrassed about his actions the previous night.
Deppression usually feels like that. *Nods*
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Date: 2006-09-21 05:58 pm (UTC)Yes, you're odd. But then again, so am I. Syb's totally insane but she's entertaining.
I like Draco, but I like him being a bit less... one dimentional and more logical as a character. He's actually the character who'll have the most drastic ride during the fic; he needs to go through a lot to become a real boy. Not that I've read canon stuff after GoF, but I've always wondered just why exactly do the Malfoys grovel in front of Voldemort. Maybe Lucius has an agenda... I hope he does, because otherwise it's just bloody stupid.
Depression is such a weird thing. Most people think it's when you can't get out of bed and want to die, but that's just the extreme form it can take.