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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary: -Harry can not survive his dark thoughts anymore. At least not alone.
Warning: This part contains angst.
The Dungeons
Part 1
Once again, the dormitory was filled with soft snoring.
Harry lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. He'd missed the sound of other people around him, especially when Ron had spent the holidays with his family. Yuletide at Hogwarts had always been fun, their time together. Sneaking down the corridors, spending evenings at Hagrid's drinking tea and pretending to enjoy rock hard cookies.
This time, he'd done all the sneaking around and tea drinking alone. It hadn't been fun at all. Not even the Christmas Dinner and the presents had made him feel better. If anything, they'd made him feel worse.
Opening presents and stuffing yourself with sweets wasn't much fun when you didn't have your best friend with you. It
reminded Harry of his childhood, of the times Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had dressed up and taken Dudley to church and then spent the evening opening presents, while he sat alone in his cupboard under the stairs.
Harry had spent the holidays telling himself he was just having the blues. Nothing more. It was quite normal for people under a lot of stress to be depressed during the holidays. When his friends returned, things would be all right.
Ironic, that even after all the things he'd been through, he could still lie to himself.
There had been a moment of utter joy when he'd seen Ron and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room. They'd chatted about their vacations, and for one magical hour everything had been perfect. Then reality had once again crashed in, and Harry understood that nothing had changed at all.
Most of the things that had kept him awake at night during the few weeks he had the dormitory to himself were still here.
Seamus muttered something in his sleep, and Harry listened, wondering if his friend would wake up. When there was silence again, he sighed. Talking with him would have been better than wallowing in his own dark thoughts, although he wouldn't have talked to Seamus about anything important.
There was no one he could talk to, not about those things. He'd tried. When Sirius and Remus had joined him for a couple of days before New Year's, he'd given in to the need to talk, and had babbled about some of the things that were troubling him. After all, they'd been in his position once, a long time ago. They'd know what he was talking about.
Sirius had been very understanding. He'd listened quietly as Harry had told him how difficult seventh year was; not only the extensive studying, but also because the school term would end soon, and he'd have to go on with his life. He knew leaving school wouldn't necessarily take him away from Hogwarts. The fight against Voldemort was still on and as long as the Dark Lord lived, he wouldn't be safe on his own. Still, things would be different.
After talking about his worries, Harry had watched Remus and Sirius exchange a look of shared memories. Sirius had then told him about the time they had left school, about the way they'd feared the same thing, the loss of friendship, of growing up too soon. There had been losses, yes, but some bonds had remained, the ones that really mattered.
Sirius talked about how much fun it had been to find something he really wanted to do. About dating, falling in love. Seeing his friends happy with their lives.
It had been wonderful for Harry to hear about those years, mostly because Sirius' stories contained new information about his parents, about their lives after Hogwarts. Somehow that made them seem more real, hearing about two young people getting engaged and marrying. Sirius' eyes shone with happiness when he talked about the moment James had casually mentioned Lily's pregnancy, remembering the completely ridiculous smirk that had spread over his friend's face a second later.
Harry had listened to every word, loving every second. Until the moment Sirius' gaze had darkened. The story didn't have a happy ending. After all the joy and love and friendship would come pain and death and years spent alone.
Remus had changed the subject at that point, looking worried as he softly touched Sirius' arm.
That look had made Harry swallow his words. He knew he couldn't burden Sirius with his other worries. His godfather was still in hiding, still fighting against Voldemort. That meant he had enough worries of his own. No need to add to them.
Harry rolled onto his side, squinting into the dark room. He still had his glasses on and could see the faint outlines of his best friend in the other bed. Ron was snoring softly, burrowed under his blankets. For a moment the urge to wake him up filled Harry, but as always, he quenched the impulse. Ron would... Ron wouldn't understand.
Realizing he wouldn't be able to sleep, Harry got up, and tiptoed to the window. It wasn't very dark outside with the full moon shining above. He thought about his godfather for a moment, smiling a bit. Snuffles was probably running through the forest with Remus' lupine form right this moment.
A happy thought, but also a sad one. He wondered what it would be like to be so free. To be able to leave everything behind, even for just a brief moment and run wild. Not something he'd ever know.
His life was here, in the small tower clinging to the main castle. His only freedom was the moments he defied rules and sneaked down the corridors while hidden under his father's cloak. Not running carefree, howling at the moon, but sneaking around in silence all alone, trying not to catch anyone's attention.
The stray thought was building up a need. Harry tiptoed back to his bed and opened the trunk next to it. He grabbed
the cloak quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up, not even Ron. He couldn't deal with his friend now. The need to share his fears and doubts was almost painful, but he simply couldn't.
He knew exactly how to push the door open so that the hinges wouldn't creak. Knew how many steps there were leading to the common room, instinctively counting them. He didn't need light to know his way to the doorway, hadn't needed any for years.
Outside in the corridor, Harry wondered for the first time where to go. Usually he simply wandered around, trying to empty his mind so that he could return to the dormitory and fall asleep for a couple of hours before he'd have to get up and face yet another day. Now, the need and the loneliness weighed heavy on his mind, taking up residence in his head with no intention of leaving.
Everything just hurt too much, and he knew he needed someone, some help, or he would explode.
The problem was, he had no idea where to go. Funny, being the Boy Who Lived usually meant that he had people fussing around him all the time. Helping him, understanding him.
Harry shuddered at the thought. No. No one could understand him. Not really.
Walking softly through the corridors, he passed by the Ravenclaw rooms, smiling faintly. Once he'd thought he might find that special someone there. It had been a stupid dream. He'd caused too much pain -- however incidentally -- to that house for anyone inside to really care about him.
Not even pausing his strides, he went on, making sure his steps didn't attract any attention. It was late, but apparently it was never too late for Filch to make his rounds. Mrs. Norris, with her gleaming eyes, would also be around at this hour. Hunting, not for rats and mice, but for stray students.
Harry didn't really fear them anymore. There were worse things in life than Filch and detentions. Oh, there were. Things like fear, and regret, and pain and doubt. All the things that kept him awake at nights.
Things that were now driving him on.
He stopped for a moment before the gargoyle, staring at its unmoving eyes. There was one door that would always open to him. He knew that. It didn't matter if it was day or night, he could always count on Dumbledore to be there for him.
For a second, he wondered how it would be to go up those stairs and then sit on a couch and talk while Dumbledore poured him tea. Talk about everything and nothing. About hopes and dreams and fears and nightmares. He took one involuntary step towards the gargoyle, almost burning with the need.
Then he stilled. He couldn't. Dumbledore counted on him. Trusted him. He was an important member of the Order, needed to be strong and fight the evil. He couldn't risk seeing a flicker of disappointment in Dumbledore's eyes when the old wizard realized that the champion of the wizarding world was not perfect after all. He knew Dumbledore would never say anything about it, but the mere fact that he'd know he wasn't strong enough after all would be too much to bear.
Gaze full of desperation, Harry turned around and walked away.
The corridors were all dimly lit, shadows casting from the occasional torches. It was comforting somehow, as if the darkness were protecting him. No one was here to see him and he didn't have to hold his head up high or smile at anyone; the dark shadows protected him like his cloak did.
Reaching the main hall, Harry thought for a second about going out. To maybe meet Hagrid, or to walk around the Quidditch pitch, or even borrow a broom from the shed. He shook the latter from his mind immediately. Flying in the dark was suicidal, and he wasn't that far gone yet. Going to see Hagrid sounded very nice, but he knew he couldn't. Mainly because he would worry his friend too much.
Hagrid was a good soul, who didn't see anything wrong with him. He couldn't shatter those illusions.
Harry sighed and then moved on.
His bare feet didn't make any sound on the stone floor. No one would detect him, even if he
walked right past them. Silent, invisible. Almost like a ghost. One more in a castle full of ghosts.
It was like he wasn't even there. Or simply was not. Was not Harry Potter, the most famous wizard in the whole land. Was not worshipped. Was not walking around the dark castle, all alone at night.
A comforting thought. Harry smiled cynically. His whole life had come down to things he really was not. Brave, strong, happy, wise. Somewhere beyond everything, or between being something, like an adult and a child. He had the vague feeling he was perhaps nothing.
He would have laughed out loud if he'd dared to. But he didn't, knowing that if he allowed the hysterical laughter to bubble up, he would never stop. Just like he didn't dare to cry anymore.
From a lonely child living in a cupboard under the stairs into a lonely almost adult feeling completely and utterly alone in the only place he'd ever really called home. In a way it had been easier back then. At least he hadn't known how good life could be. How it would feel to have friends and a sort of family.
Gloomy thoughts. As gloomy as the corridor ahead. Harry looked surprised as he realized where he'd come, swaying a little as he recoiled back. On his quiet walks around the castle, he'd never come to the dungeons before.
It was cold down here. Cold and damp. Dark. Somehow the corridor that during the daytime looked like the doorway to the worst thing on earth looked inviting. Like a good place to hide. From what, Harry couldn't say. He simply felt the need to hide right now, and the Slytherin dungeons seemed perfect for that.
Making sure he wasn't making any noise, he crept down the corridor. He had to hold his hands out to find his way, because there
were no lights. It should have been frightening, but for some reason it wasn't.
Harry walked through endless hallways, enjoying the silence. There was a light coming from afar, and he could see the entrance to the Slytherin common room. He remembered how he and Ron had followed Malfoy on their second year, both feeling nervous about keeping up the appearance of being Crabbe and Goyle. It had all been so simple back then.
Not the complicated mess his life had become.
There was darkness beyond the single torch and Harry headed that way. He wasn't ready to turn back yet. His mind was
cataloguing his surroundings even without the visual aid. A few corridors to the right was the Potions classroom. He could walk by it and would in time come back to the more lighted corridors. Instead of going there, he decided to go forward. Hands out, he continued through the darkness.
It was fortunate he'd decided to be cautious. His hands hit solid rock a few seconds later, and he froze, knowing he'd reached the end of the corridor. Feeling his way in the dark, he found that it wasn't exactly the end. The corridor curved to the right. Keeping one hand on the wall and the other out in case the next turn came soon, he went on.
He realized soon that he didn't need the precautions. A soft light was emanating from the end of the corridor, a lone torch burning on the wall.
Feeling a bit curious, Harry sneaked to the door guarded by the light. He'd never been here before, but could well guess whose quarters they were. There was no portrait on the door, no sign. Only a small snake painted on it.
The snake looked realistic, details perfect. It was not curved into a shape one might have assumed, but it was coiled into a small curl. Sleeping. Harry wondered if it portrayed the current state of the occupant, and then discarded the notion.
Professor Snape would never reveal such things to a casual passer by; he was too private a person. That was why he lived down here, away from curious eyes.
Harry kept staring at the snake, wondering why he wasn't at all intimidated by the fact that he was standing outside Snape's door in the middle of the night. If the man caught him here, there'd be hell to pay. He knew Snape wouldn't want to kick him out of Hogwarts now, but he'd definitely issue detention. With Filch no doubt.
It wouldn't matter that they were now both working for the same goal. The pressure they were all under would be seen as a poor excuse. Harry's status as the resident celebrity wouldn't sway Snape. He'd be punished.
That was the weird thing about Snape. He'd never coddled him or praised him. The opposite, actually. Always a mean, cold hearted bastard, or a sarcastic git.
Harry's eyes widened. No, Snape had never seemed to be impressed by him. Had never praised him for things he hadn't really done. Had always demanded him to do his best, not to be his best.
The realization hit him hard. Here was the one person in the world he couldn't disappoint. Mostly because the man had never held him in high regard. Snape would know all about the dark place he'd found himself in. Would... understand.
Yes, he might also slam the door in his face after telling him he was in trouble. Might laugh at him. But that wouldn't really make things any worse.
Before his brain could stop him from making a complete fool out of himself, Harry raised his hand and knocked on the door. He waited for a moment and then knocked again.
There was no answer.
"Snape?" The Slytherin dormitory was far enough for him to say the word out loud as he knocked for the third time. When there was no answer, he glanced at the snake. "Sssnape?" The image didn't even move.
Harry had to swallow as his throat tightened. How typical. He'd finally figured out a person to talk to and he wasn't home. It would be too difficult to go back to his dormitory and come back tomorrow. The need that had driven him out was stronger than ever. He feared if he left, he'd finally fall apart.
He sat down, leaning his back against the wall. It wasn't damp here, and the stone floor was actually very comfortable. He'd wait. He could wait as long as it took. Wrapping the cloak tighter around himself, Harry closed his eyes.
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OMG!
Date: 2006-04-07 07:45 am (UTC)Re: OMG!
Date: 2006-04-07 08:35 pm (UTC)More coming tomorrow! I promise!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 02:55 pm (UTC):D
Poor Harry, it's very clear that he needs someone, that he has finally come to the point where he can't make in on his own anymore. The last image of Harry leaning against the cold stone wall and pulling his cloak tighter around him really gets to me, but I'm also afraid that the angst in your fic could kill me.
I think I'll give more detailed comments by e-mail or in person.
*raises a glass for you and Teh Fic*
no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 08:39 pm (UTC)I had a lot of work trying to portray Harry as someone slowly sinking towards depression, but not being clinically depressed. Somewhere on the final slide to the darkness, trying to do anything to stop the fall.
And not to spoil anything... But the angst will not be that bad. Harry has the tendency to be a drama queen from time to time with the teenage angst, but even when he really has the reason to be down, the angst won't make you want to tear out your hair or anything. At least I hope so. Feel free to tell me otherwise.
Every type of fb is always appreciated (except for a nonverbal one that entails a brick to my head or something). :D Attention hor? Me???
no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 08:41 pm (UTC):P
no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 10:32 pm (UTC)I LOVE AUs
I am terribly sorry but I am so tired that I cannot even finish da fic, so, will come, praise&etc some day late :(
no subject
Date: 2006-04-07 10:40 pm (UTC)And don't worry. There'll be dozens of chapters, so you can leave whatever comment whenever you feel like it.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-15 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-15 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-21 09:33 pm (UTC)but i feel that, psychologically, harry is a little bit.. is a bit of a blur between stages of depression. you've got the kind of numbness and despair, disregard for the things he'd have found scary in the past, and feeling alone, and feeling like he'd disappoint everyone by talking to them... but you've also got this kind of.. well, it really sounds like anger, right here: "How typical. He'd finally figured out a person to talk to and he wasn't home." it conveys an annoyance rather than a disparaged 'no one understands me, i'm numb and alone and etc' feeling, and it's kind of a bit of a snotty thing to say.
so at the moment i'm really not sure what you envision as Harry's character. but i'll keep reading.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-22 03:34 pm (UTC)Harry's a weird character to write, because if you follow canon, there is no way he would be as sane as he is. With the mistreatment he's been through, he'd be a total basket case in reality. I'm actually trying to make him as sane as possible, but there are disappointment issues and abandonment issues and... well you know. :D With mentally ill children, it's sometimes extremely hard to actually separate anger from the more vulnerable emotions; sometimes they all manifest as either self loathing or as uncontrollable rage.
I can see how it would seem snotty, but I'm thinking more that he's cursing his bad luck; every good thought or plan he's had falls down somehow.
:)
Thank you for the feedback!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-21 03:04 pm (UTC)What a great birthday surprise, though. I can relax and read this series and eat my cake. :D
His life was here, in the small tower clinging to the main castle. His only freedom was the moments he defied rules and sneaked down the corridors while hidden under his father's cloak. Not running carefree, howling at the moon, but sneaking around in silence all alone, trying not to catch anyone's attention.
Oh, this chapter's got my stomach in a knot. I'm feeling as unsettled as Harry is... I've got this twitchy urge to go beat on Snape's door and shout at him to wake up, I need to talk to him. Odd, isn't it, that stories can twist your own feelings and make you feel as the character does.
No, Snape had never seemed to be impressed by him. Had never praised him for things he hadn't really done. Had always demanded him to do his best, not to be his best.
Something Harry seems to have such a hard time understanding in canon. Excellent start off for a fic, that realization. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-21 05:38 pm (UTC)I like the idea of Harry being something other than balanced. He would definitely not be the happiest of people, but he'd try to hide it at any cost. Poor dear.
Happy birthday! Hope you've had a wonderful day!