Fic: No Hiding Place book Four: The Cupboard Under The Stairs (31/32)

[sua_lay]

Title: No Hiding Place: Book Four: The Cupboard Under the Stairs (31/32)
Author: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.

The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.

Part 31

It was strange how well Harry had got used to their new Headquarters. The large new building didn't hold the same kind of a feeling as Hogwarts did, but it was the center of their Order now.

Therefore going back to Hogwarts for a meeting felt absolutely wrong.

Dumbledore had said it was a bout of nostalgia that had made him invite them in, a way to have dinner in the Great Hall and make everyone comfortable. Harry wasn't certain it was the real reason, but decided against questioning the Headmaster. After all, no matter how wrong it felt being here, he didn't exactly hate it.

It was a small crowd tonight, just the old inner circle of the Order and a few more, the mood in the Great Hall almost friendly as they ate and talked about everything but the war. The only real exception to the easy camaraderie seemed to be Sirius who kept glaring at Snape between bites.

Harry chose to ignore it.

The calm mood followed them to the Headmaster's offices, and it was easy to sit around the meeting table holding a cup of tea and a pastry -- or two as in Ron's case.

It was a routine by now; they talked about the various smaller operations, the unauthorized Ministry links and the training.

Nothing said was actually new, but the familiar reports made everyone feel more comfortable. Aside from a few strange sightings near Diagon Alley, everything was status quo.

So why on earth were they here again?

Waiting until everyone's cups were filled again, Dumbledore straightened in his chair and said quietly, "I'm calling for another big meeting tomorrow morning." There was a strange note of finality in his voice.

"More talking." Sirius said it quietly enough to not draw too much attention to himself, but people were still nodding at his words.

Training and talking and talking some more. They were all preparing for something that was still so hidden it was sometimes difficult to actually focus on all the bad things waiting for them.

Sirius hated the wating. They knew where the Death Eaters were, so why not go after them? Or how about the operation with the dark creatures? Not counting the threat the Dementors posed, the smuggler's warehouses would actually be quite easy to destroy.

It smelled like politics, and there were few things that stank as foul as the power games.

"Not exactly." Dumbledore actually smiled at Sirius. "It will not be a regular meeting. We'll have guests."

That was certainly new.

"Who?" Flitwick asked, his eyes wide with anticipation.

It hit Harry before Dumbledore could say a word. There was only one person whose presence would make any difference.

"Minister Fudge called me late last evening to inform me that he will be joining our meeting tomorrow. And he will bring Aurors with him." There was deep satisfaction on Dumbledore's face.

Excited babble filled the room. Most comments about the Ministry weren't exactly flattering, but no one spoke out to actually criticize.

Madam Hooch snorted. She'd never been one to mince her words and wasn't going to start now. "It's about time! The great Cornelius Fudge comes to save us from ourselves."

"The Minister and his Aurors will be here to negotiate a collaboration with us," Dumbledore chided.

It was clear that most people around the table agreed more with Hooch than with him.

"I do believe things are about to change. The Order cannot defeat Voldemort's forces alone, but neither can the Aurors." The way Dumbledore simply stated it was fairly frightening. "We will find a way to work together. I have the upmost confidence in us all."

The way most people reacted to that comment was a clear sign that few agreed with him on that.

"So will they come to join us or to lead us?" Hooch asked.

She didn't even flinch at the stern look Dumbledore cast at her, simply raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow. The fact that she spent most of her time flying didn't mean she couldn't keep her feet on the ground, unlike some people she could mention.

"Fudge will not give up power easily," Remus mused. He'd met up with the man a couple of times since his year as the DADA teacher, and he could honestly say he had no respect for him.

Snape had been looking at Dumbledore, sensing slight tension in the old man. That was why he was able to see the flash of pain in the wise gaze.

It chilled him, because he could think of only solution to unite their forces with the Ministry's. Most of Fudge's people would have sworn an oath to obey the Minister for Magic, and they took such an oath seriously. If Albus asked the Aurors to join him in the battle, not all of them would follow, and the ones loyal to Fudge would probably try to stop them.

That would lead to a foolish squabble between two forces who were essentially after the same enemy.

A glance at Harry made Snape realize he wasn't the only one who had thought about that. He could see that Harry knew exactly what would have to happen, and that it was the worst thing he could think of.

No matter how strong the young man was, this could so easily break him. It would at least change him forever, destroying a part of him. Snape wondered how long he would be able to deal with such losses; losing his innocence and his illusions as well as his youth and friends. A part of his family.

"I know. However, there are ways to change his mind." Keeping his gaze away from Harry, Dumbledore nodded. "Let us not worry about that now."

Snape saw how everyone let the matter lie, and couldn't completely suppress a sneer. Didn't these people have brains? Or were they all so involved in the hype surrounding them and the Boy Who Lived that they couldn't see what was going on around them? At least he knew the reality behind all this, as well as the fact that he wouldn't get much sleep tonight.

He chose not to participate in the rest of the conversation, finding the platitudes distasteful and the barely veiled lies outrageous.

"All right." Dumbledore stood up, his expression strangely grave. "We will meet again tomorrow then."

People started to gather their things, most casting wistful looks around the room. They all knew this would really be the last time they met here and it was sad to leave this place behind. Hogsmeade was familiar to everyone, but it just wasn't the same anymore. It was time to say goodbye to this.

Glancing at Harry while trying to keep most of his attention on Remus and making sure he wasn't tiring himself, Sirius asked, "Aren't you coming with us?" It had been a relief to see that Harry had stayed clear from Snape, but the way he was just sitting here made Sirius' hackles rise.

No matter how he'd promised not to do anything stupid, he might be forced to kill Snape if he approached Harry or suggested that he stay here.

"No." Harry shook his head. "I think Dumbledore and I have something to talk about". He fought against looking up, knowing that Sirius would worry if he saw his expression. "I doubt this will take long, but... Don't worry if I don't come back home tonight."

Sirius tensed, but didn't say anything. He did not want to think about where Harry might spend the night, but since it was Harry's idea and not the greasy bastard's, he couldn't do anything.

With one more worried glance at his godson, he walked out of the Headmaster's office, letting the heavy wooden door close behind him.

An hour later, Harry walked slowly down the corridor, letting his steps lead him to the staircases even as his mind wandered. The talk with Dumbledore had held no surprises. He'd known for a long time now that this day would come eventually, but even so, he felt chilled inside. Knowing something would happen and accepting it weren't the same thing.

He waited for a moment as he reached the stairs and then continued on his way towards the lower levels of the castle. It was a good thing that he'd told Sirius he wouldn't be home tonight. Home. The rather opulent room in the big house. The empty room, where he sometimes spent hours lying in the bed, staring at the walls around him and trying to convince himself that this was so much better than the cupboard he'd spent his childhood in.

Usually failing miserable.

That place was no home. It was a house where he was living at the moment, but it felt more like a hideaway than a real home. He needed to stay somewhere where he felt safe and warm tonight.

Darkness swallowed him as he reached the dungeons. It was quiet here, like the nothingness of a dreamless sleep, and he didn't need light to see where he was going.

Reaching the small door, he raised his hand, fingers caressing the coiled snake -figure before he pressed his palm firmly against it. The door opened soundlessly, allowing him entrance to a safe haven of sorts.

Yet, he didn't know if it was that anymore. Not now when he was doing the one thing he had always sworn he wouldn't do and was taking on the very burden that had driven him towards madness not long ago. He knew it was as if he was accepting a life sentence, for there was no way out of the stage anymore.

It chilled him to the bone. Even in this room that was brightly lit and warmed by a lovely fire in the fireplace, he felt cold.

"Did Albus say when Fudge and the Aurors are coming?" Snape's voice came clearly from where he was sitting by the fireplace. The flames were casting shadows on his face, hiding his expression completely. There were no emotions in his voice either.

Harry walked slowly towards him, needing to be closer when he nodded his answer. "Yes. They will be at Hogsmeade around noon." He sat next to Snape, relieved when the other man didn't flinch away.

"I see." There was a moment of silence as Snape lifted a glass from the small table next to the couch and took a sip. The liquid shone amber, smelling strong and earthy. "So they come to see our new headquarters and our new general."

The calm words were almost too much for Harry to bear. Still, he could only say, "Yes. I think that's exactly what they will see, even though I doubt they know about the latter yet." He couldn't keep his voice as toneless as Snape, the soft timbre revealing his anxiety.

"No, I don't imagine they do. I don't think Fudge can even dream of someone willingly giving up such power." Now there was definitely a hint of anger in Snape's words.

"I... I know." Harry hated this. He absolutely hated this.

Snape was pulling away from him, inching towards the other side of the couch. It made Harry close his eyes. If this drove Snape away from him, he would not survive the war. He might live, but there would really be nothing left in him, no spark.

Every victory had a price, but this was too high, especially since they hadn't even won anything yet. He wasn't trying to do what was right, for tonight's decision had been so wrong on all accounts. It was simply the only way he could think of. The only way to save lives, to make sure their world wouldn't fall under the shadow of this Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.

How stupid that he would actually feel this much pain now. He had always been the one to pay the price; with his non-childhood and his loneliness. Nothing had really changed.

Except that now he had something he didn't want to lose. Something he would have been happy to defend with his very life.

"Here. I think you need this now."

Harry looked up, startled, as a glass was pushed into his hand. He almost dropped it before realizing that Snape was now back next to him, sitting even closer than before.

"Thanks." Almost choking on the word, he hid his enormous relief by lifting the glass to his lips, taking just a sip. He didn't need to get drunk; he simply enjoyed the feeling of whiskey rolling on his tongue, burning as it slipped down his throat. The thought that Snape had offered him a drink warmed him even more.

"I don't think I need to tell you what I think about this whole matter," Snape said, not really meaning it. He would indeed tell Harry what he thought. Probably often and with a lot of sarcasm.

He was disgusted. Appalled. To have older, wiser wizards play their little games of power and politics using Harry as their pawn made him sick. It didn't matter that at this point, Albus didn't really have a choice. He'd been planning this for a long time. Everyone else seemed to be eager to exploit Harry's fame as well, most for their own ends. At least Dumbledore's schemes would also benefit their whole world, not only one crazed power hungry man.

"No." It came out quietly. Harry had never doubted Snape's ability to read between the lines when he wanted to. "And believe me, I'm not thrilled about this either."

The agreeing silence was actually a relief.

Harry twirled the glass a little, staring into the liquor. He didn't want to think about what this all meant; not only giving up under the pressure, but also relinquishing his freedom. There wouldn't be many possibilities for him to spend time here anymore.

"Things used to be so damn easy." There was a distant echo of memories in Harry's voice. "Gryffindors were the good guys, Slytherins were the bad." His hand on Snape's arm squeezed slightly. "Sneaking around the castle was fun, and the classes were a bloody bore."

Snape let out a slight sound that was probably meant to sound offended.

For some reason it sounded amused in Harry's ears. "It was like that with people too. I mean, there were those who were good and those who were bad. Nothing in between. Well, except for maybe Lockhart who was just an imbecile."

This time the amusement in Snape's snort was undeniable. "It's good to see that you have at least some good sense."

Harry smiled wistfully. "And I remember how easy it was to love the Weasleys. And the Headmaster. Especially him. The strong and wise all-knowing wizard." He was quiet for a moment before adding, "Like it was so easy to hate you."

"I know. It's probably the most natural reaction for students." There was still no anger in Snape's voice. "Not that I care what they think about me."

That had always been a mystery to Harry. How could someone not care what people thought about him? He was beginning to see it now, after years of hints and barely whispered half-truths. Resentment was not nice, but at least it was honest.

"It's just... So weird. When I think about people like Draco Malfoy. He's a bastard. I mean, he plays these weird games with Ron. Not that Ron doesn't play along, but still. He's an opinionated and snotty git who covers his own back before even thinking about anyone else." He paused. "But I kind of like him anyway."

Snape had noticed the change in their relationship a long time ago. "You do seem to have a strange tendency to like Slytherins these days." He was still surprised by the fact that Harry was able to let go of the hatred, even more surprised to hear Harry admit it out loud.

"Yeah," Harry said softly. "I do." He leaned closer to Snape and pressed his lips against his cheek, a soft kiss.

Without saying anything, Snape turned his face to capture Harry's lips with his own. He usually waited for Harry to initiate such intimacies, but this moment seemed different.

Harry's lips tasted like the fiery echo of his own, the whiskey almost drowning everything else. The melancholy in the room was almost tangible, but there was no hint of the sad taste of swallowed tears in the kiss.

"Will you stay the night?" It was almost ridiculous to ask the question since the answer was so obvious. Snape refused to assume Harry would stay, but didn't want to make him ask either. This might be the night for insecurities and worry, but he wasn't going to add to it. Harry's presence was not unpleasant, and for once he wasn't going to even hold onto the pretence that it was.

Resting his head on Snape's shoulder, Harry muttered, "Yes." He was glad he didn't have to ask.

They sat quietly for a long time, simply staring into the flames. Harry moved away just long enough to put his half empty glass on the floor and then returned to lean against Snape. All the fear and the anger were dissipating slowly, almost leaving him hollow. The strong figure next to him was enough to keep him grounded, holding back the emptiness.

"You know.... Sometimes I do want to be a hero. The kind of myth they think I should be. The one to save everyone, to keep people from dying and make them all happy." It came out hesitantly, an echo of a childish dream. "But no one can do that."

Knowing that there was no need for words, Snape sat there in silence. Even he could understand such simple hopes, a fantasy that only young people could believe in. He wondered just when had Harry stopped really believing in it himself.

"I never wanted it to come to this." Weariness and disgust were evident in Harry's voice. He looked at Snape, needing to make him understand that he wasn't being seduced by the power or the fame. He hated celebrity and this definitely wasn't a prize he'd tried to gain. It was an evil punishment; a cruel joke life threw at him.

Snape nodded. He knew. "The wizarding world is lucky you're a Gryffindor. Too stubborn to do what's best for just yourself."

A smile flickered on Harry's lips, not lingering for long. He felt enormously relieved. Everyone would look at him as a hero, a savior; it was comforting to know that with this one man he would always be seen as what he truly was.

Closing his eyes, he snuggled closer to Snape. He knew he wouldn't probably get any sleep for hours, but decided to sit here in peace anyway. Surrounded by the familiar sound of Snape's even breathing and the scent of various herbs, he let his thoughts drift away.

---

Comments

[fodirteg.livejournal.com]

I've just spent the last couple of days reading this series from the beginning of book 1. You have managed very nicely to make a believable AU from your starting off point.

I particularly enjoy the careful build-up of layers of relationships as everyone (including the nominal "adults") grows up here.

How much more do you plan on writing in this series?

[vivaciousv.livejournal.com]

Ok. You so just made me cry and it's not fair. :D I love this series! Your characters are so believable and so is the plot. Love you so much!

[duskspoken.livejournal.com]

OMG You know what I just realized? You're almost done with Book 4. Then it's going to be FOREVER before we see Book 5. That makes me so sad. :(

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

I think the fact that I started to write this four years ago and have refused to read anything past Goblet of Fire has helped on keeping the AUness consistent.

Sometimes it seems the adult characters in Potterverse are too stuck on what used to be and they need to be shaken up a bit so that they'll hopefully grow up at least a little... :D

The story will be finished after book 5 which is about 2/3 finished at the moment. Too bad it's not written chronologically, so it'll probably take a while until I finish it...

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

To be quite honest, the story makes even me cry sometimes. :D Thank you!

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

Hey, realizing that I have to do much more work on book 5 makes me sad too! Actually, just reading through what I've written makes me sad also, but that's beside the point...

I agree with your icon. :X