Fic: No Hiding Place book Four: The Cupboard Under The Stairs (16/32)

[sua_lay]

Title: No Hiding Place: Book Four: The Cupboard Under the Stairs (16/32)
Author: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.

The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.

Part 16

"We'll be going to the Three Broomsticks tonight!" It was almost an offhand remark.

Harry barely lifted his gaze from the book. "Mmm hmm." He turned the page, his attention back in the text before the last humming sound died in the room.

"The Weird Sisters are there tonight." This time Ron was definitely talking to Harry. "It's going to be a blast! Everyone's going!"

They'd been talking about that for hours today, while Harry had made his way through the crowd, talking about important stuff and concentrating on the business. Terry Boot had been really excited about the whole thing, and of course that meant that most of the others from their year had decided to go. Ron was glad Terry's enthusiasm was contagious. It even got into Hermione, who was presently doing something to her hair in the bathroom downstairs.

"That's nice, Ron."

Ron grabbed the book and held it high enough that Harry couldn't reach it. He could tell by the startled look in his friend's eyes that he had absolutely no idea what he'd just said. "Okay. What did I just say?"

Frowning, Harry tried to figure out what he'd been talking about. Something about broomsticks. Quidditch? That was always a possibility, but why would Ron be so annoyed at him if it was about Quidditch? "Er... Broomsticks?"

"Yes! The Weird Sisters are going to play there tonight, and Madam Rosmerta told me she was reserving us her best table! So what do you say? Are we going or are we going?" It was clear what Ron was thinking.

Harry sighed, both with relief at Ron not noticing how completely lost he'd been and with something close to genuine regret. "You can go. Have fun. I still have to finish reading for tomorrow's..."

"Come on, Harry!" Ron bounced on the balls of his feet. "You've been doing this every evening for days, nose buried in a bloody book."

He wasn't going to let go of this. They'd all noticed the too serious look in Harry's eyes. It simply wasn't healthy to spend every single evening reading about war. Ron was still convinced that too much knowledge was bad for your brain.

Maybe going out would help. It would be good to sit down and maybe drink some real beer. Spend some time away from this house and maybe ogle girls. Definitely ogle girls! That would be a nice and healthy thing to do.

Ron was definitely not thinking about anything he might need to stop thinking about, but an evening with alcohol and music and girls would be good for Harry. Even if he wanted boys with his alcohol and music, that would be fine as well. He was certain Sirius would be grateful forever if Harry found some younger guy to pine over.

And Merlin, it would be good to go out and do something nice. He was sick and tired of sitting here and avoiding talking to Remus about things he definitely didn't want and glaring at Malfoy who was stupid enough to keep his word that he wouldn't approach him.

Not that he really wanted Malfoy anywhere around him. He didn't. The mere thought of that git coming close to him and laying his hands on him was definitely -- and he wasn't going to go anywhere near that thought again!

"Please?" His wheedling was honest. He wanted Harry out of here, even just for one evening. He wanted to go out and have fun and it could be like the old days, when it was just him and Hermione and Harry.

"Oh, all right." Harry nodded. He was not going to get any reading done anyway. Besides, maybe he could have a good night's sleep if he spent the evening doing something other than studying war.

Ron raised his arms up, accidentally flinging the book to the other end of the room where it landed on top of Crookshanks. The cat let out a very irritated growl and stared at Ron as if trying to think of where to scratch the next time the young man came close enough. "Cool!"

Harry had barely time to tell Sirius he would be going out before Ron was already pushing him out of the door. Then it was just him and Ron and Hermione walking through the streets together like they'd just been transported back in time.

He spent only a moment wondering why Malfoy wasn't here with them before the crowd distracted his thoughts. A bit hesitant about this whole outing, he kept his mouth shut until they reached the pub, biting his tongue when he saw the bright lights and heard the noise.

The place was packed. It almost looked like everyone was staying in Hogsmeade these days and the sound of people talking to each other was almost deafening.

Of course the general sound of murmured conversations turned into something else as soon as the Gryffindor trio stepped into the pub.

"Hey, it's Harry! Harry Potter!"

Sighing, Harry waved back at the witches screaming out his name.

"Hermione! Harry! Good to see you," Terry grinned so hard his face had to hurt. "Ron! Have a beer!" He pushed a foaming pint to Ron's hand.

"Thanks, mate," Ron grinned back at him before sipping the drink. It left a foamy moustache on his upper lip. "Did the Sisters start yet?"

Terry guided them towards an empty table. "No, I think they were waiting for you to arrive."

"Cool!"

Harry didn't agree with Ron on that, but didn't say anything.

As soon as they sat down, a waitress was there with a tray full of drinks, compliments of Madam Rosmerta. It made Hermione roll her eyes as she saw the enthusiasm with which Ron emptied his pint just to grab another one, but otherwise no one made a comment about the free beer.

It took a moment for Harry to squeeze the thank you out of his suddenly dry throat. Sipping the beer didn't really help with the tight feeling; he sat back and just listened to the others talk until the Weird Sisters appeared on the makeshift platform.

At least they weren't talking about the war.

When Dean and Seamus arrived, it was almost like the old times for a moment. A group of Gryffindors and a few Ravenclaws hanging out at the Hogsmeade weekend. The only thing absent was the almost intoxicating sugar rush that always followed a day's shopping.

"Good evening, Hogsmeade!" It had got dark without anyone really paying attention and people startled at the familiar words spoken softly into the microphone.

The silence was followed by cheers.

"I see you're ready to party!" Myron Wagtail, the lead singer of the Sisters gestured at the drummer who started the familiar beat. "Let me see your hands in the air!"

There was a grinding sound as everyone pushed their chairs back and got up and raised their hands.

Never really good at dancing, Harry swayed to the music the best he could and settled for mouthing the lyrics unlike Seamus who was singing loud enough to make people around him glare.

Some Hufflepuffs seemed to think that it was a good idea to dance while holding your pint and sipping every once in a while. Ron's eyes lit up as he saw that and he made a move towards the table before Hermione stepped in front of him and refused to budge.

"Harry!"

Turning to see who was yelling into his ear, Harry stared at Susan Bones. "Yeah?"

"I was thinking..." She looked a bit flustered. "If you'd like to dance with me?" The question was followed by a nod towards the dance floor where other couples were busy bouncing around.

Harry shook his head, thinking of a polite way to decline. "I don't really dance." Jumping up and down to the rhythm of the Hippogriff wasn't actually dancing. "Sorry."

Her face fell, but she nodded. "Okay."

Before Harry could say anything else, she was already walking away to find someone else to dance with.

It wasn't a lie; dancing really wasn't Harry's forte. He used that as an excuse to decline every offer to dance when other girls came to try, always polite but showing clearly that he wasn't interested.

After a while people seemed to realize he wasn't going to accept any of the offers, and no one approached him anymore, even though there were still yearning looks cast in his direction. When Ron disappeared into the loo and Hermione went to dance with Terry, he simply sat down at their table, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

A very effective way to just sit there and relax.

Harry was nursing his beer, still not certain he really liked the taste. It was about the only thing here he was uncertain of.

He'd wondered if this was a good idea or not, but watching all the others mill around the pub was an eye opener. Ron had been right, he needed to see this; the young witches and wizards talking, drinking and dancing, everyone having a great time.

It wasn't exactly the way he'd imagined it. He was actually having fun, mostly because of the mellow atmosphere and the music, a curious mix between traditional wizarding airs and the contemporary Muggle tunes. Very pleasing. Sipping his beer, he had to admit that he rather enjoyed the drink as well. It wasn't as disgusting as some of the other things he'd tried.

Spending an evening here was all right, but he wasn't going to make a habit out of it. That was the one thing he knew for sure.

He wouldn't miss the looks, the overly bright smiles. It would be a relief to get away from the naked lust so clear on some faces, knowing it wasn't for him but the image of him.

Sometimes he wondered if he was making a too big a fuss about all the hype concerning his life. Such a shameful thought, really, but every once in a while he had to stop to think about what was reality and what was simply a figment of his imagination.

He wanted to be wrong, wished he was just paranoid about his fame and that his fears were completely unfounded for. But he hadn't imagined the way he'd been offered a beer as soon as he sat down or how his money had been refused. He wasn't imagining the looks and whispers and the way people seemed to have the need to touch him somehow as they passed him by.

It confirmed his fears, the overwhelming change in his life.

Harry sighed. This was more difficult than he'd dreaded. He didn't want to sit here and be ogled at or watch people who'd known him for years hesitate to approach him. Even other Gryffindors were acting strangely; as if the few short months he'd been away had changed everything.

There was a strange feeling of respect coming from everyone. People much older than Harry treated him like he was above them somehow, or at least their equal. To those he'd shared classes with, he was now someone to look up to, someone whose company was not only appreciated but sought after.

It was worse than anything. The suspicion and the blatant hostility he'd experienced over the years were nothing compared to this adoration.

His gaze met with Cho's. She was sitting with a mixed group of girls from all the Houses, still smiling at something Padma had just said. For a moment, he remembered how it had been to stare at her from afar and hope she would once notice him, or smile at him like that. Now she was more than noticing him, the soft expression on her face almost making him choke.

In his dreams, it would have once been the best thing ever. Here, in reality, he simply wanted to look away and swallow down the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him.

His crush on her had been the first one, the first perfect love that had never gone anywhere beyond wistful thinking. Everything after her had been somehow less, tinted with regrets and memories of less innocent but also less fulfilling moments.

Until...

Shivering, he wondered how much worse it would be now if he didn't have Snape in his life. If this was all the world could offer him.

Random encounters, brief relationships. Those were the only things he could find in a place like this. For a short while, they had seemed like enough, when he'd first lain in the darkness, held in an embrace. The casual touch had chased the loneliness away, even for just a few moments.

It had been fun, he wasn't going to deny that. Learning things about himself and others had been an adventure. The touch of another person was so different from his own hand and shagging had totally swept him away at first.

He couldn't handle that right now, and if he was honest with himself, probably never again. The short term relationships were somehow even worse than being alone, making him feel like crap afterwards.

Maybe his dad had been right about the Potter men.

Harry liked the thought more than he probably should. There had never been a time in his life when he'd had someone to call his own, a person who was essentially just his. Sirius had come closer than anyone else, but their relationship was special in another way. The thing with Snape was different.

He didn't know if it was wise to put all this trust in Snape. There had been others who had promised him so much more than Snape ever had. All he could really trust Snape to do was to be honest with him, to accept him as he was. It was better than any whispered endearments or promises of forever.

Which had always been lies.

Finishing with his beer, Harry allowed Hermione to pull him into the dancefloor. It was a friendship thing; Hermione insisting on dancing with both him and Ron and he trying hard not to step on her toes.

At least this wasn't formal like the Yule ball. The floor was so full of people no one could see him stumble and flail like a loon.

He had to admit that this wasn't horrible, even though it would be more fun if people didn't crowd him or 'accidentally' grope him. The heat and the beat of the music only seemed to add to the groping, and the fact that most people seemed to be at least half drunk didn't really help.

Harry escaped to the loo a bit later, glad that there didn't seem to be a long line outside the men's room like there always seemed to be outside the ladies' room. It saved him from more groping, but he did have an uncomfortable moment inside the restroom with Justin Finch-Fletchley, who wanted to give him a blowjob in the stall for old time's sake.

"And this is my wonderful world now." Muttering it under his breath, Harry returned to his table.

He didn't like to be surrounded by people like this. Even though most of them were familiar to him -- some even friends -- he didn't like to be in a crowd. Everyone seemed to think they had the right to talk to him or touch him as if the concept of personal space didn't apply to him.

They all seemed to want to possess a part of him, even for a little while and it was suffocating him. He didn't want anything like this; it was intrusive, almost taking his breath away.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to block all the looks. It didn't really help. He could still feel people watching and wished once again he was safely away in the dungeons.

Another beer was placed in front of him, and even though he did smile at Madam Rosmerta who'd delivered it personally, he didn't really drink it. Getting drunk and making a fool of himself didn't sound like a good plan, especially since he could be certain a picture of him would end up on the front page of tomorrow's papers with less than flattering headlines.

He simply sat there, holding the large pint between his palms, staring into the dark brown liquid. Smiling weakly whenever someone came to ask him to dance and refusing politely.

The band took another break. Harry waited for a few minutes, trying to see where his friends were and then got up. It seemed to take forever to reach the bar, with half drunken people everywhere trying to get his attention.

At least his friends were in a better shape. He did hide a smile at Hermione's loud giggles, but was glad that she was having a good time.

"Harry!" As usual, it was Terry who noticed him first.

Turning around, Hermione looked puzzled as she saw Harry. "What's wrong?" She didn't think he looked too good.

"Nothing." Everything. "I'm just tired, I guess." It was true on every level.

Fortunately a yawn escaped him as Ron opened his mouth to say something. This way they could see that he wasn't simply using it as an excuse.

"I'm going home." Harry was too tired to really moderate his voice, sounding just as weary as he felt. "You can stay if you want to. Wouldn't want to spoil your night."

Ron shook his head. "I'll come with you." There was no real point in staying here anyway. His plan to forget about certain things wasn't really working, and he was sure he'd have to be completely drunk to achieve his goal.

Not a good idea, considering that the few times he'd been sloshed had ended with him doing weird things. He didn't want to make a fool out of himself now, or later at their house where there were even more opportunities to act brainlessly.

They left together after making Terry Boot promise he'd escort Hermione home later on. It was clear from Hermione's expression that she didn't think she needed an escort, but fortunately there was so much noise they didn't really hear a word of what she mumbled.

It was a short walk from the Three Broomsticks to their house, and Harry was grateful that the streets of Hogsmeade were practically deserted at this time.

"So I guess you hated it." Seeing the questioning look on Harry's face, Ron added, "The whole thing; spending the evening out."

Harry shook his head. "No, I didn't hate it. Liked the band and the beer wasn't bad." It was an old joke and he was glad that Ron remembered it and shared the smile. "But you know, I'm not really comfortable in a crowd like that."

"But there's always a... oh. I see what you mean." Ron didn't really understand the whole thing, being raised in a huge family. There had always been a crowd. Maybe it was different with Harry.

Glad that he didn't have to explain it more, Harry didn't say anything, simply walked a bit faster. It was really good that their house was so close, he didn't like walking here practically in the middle of the night.

Neither he nor Ron was surprised to see the light still burning from the living room window.

"You know, that's kind of nice." Grinning at Harry, Ron pointed at the window as they walked to the door. "Sirius really is a mother hen." He didn't think it was actually a bad thing.

Harry smiled at that. "Yeah, he is." He wondered just how long would his godfather have waited until he'd gone out looking for him. If they had stayed out until the early hours, they would have probably seen a black dog sniffing around the streets when they came back home.

The house was quiet and no one came to greet them as they took off their shoes in the hall. Raising an eyebrow at Ron, Harry made a gesture towards the living room and the two of them sneaked silently to see if there was anyone waiting there.

"Hello boys." Mouthing the words silently, Remus looked up from the book he'd been reading. The reason for his soft smile was quite evident. Sirius was fast asleep on the couch, his head resting in Remus' lap. "Did you have fun?"

Ron nodded. "Yeah." It had been okay.

"Yes." It was clear that Harry was getting better with the lies. This one came out easily, mainly because right now he was kind of happy. Happy to be away from the crowd again.

"Good." Nodding carefully so that he didn't jolt Sirius' head, Remus asked, "And Hermione?"

"She stayed there with Terry." There was a world of innuendo in Ron's voice, but the smile he flashed was not an evil one. "Don't worry, he'll get her home safe."

Remus seemed to accept that, leaning slightly back. It looked like he was perfectly willing to stay here until the last one of them was safely under this roof.

"I think I'll go to bed. Harry, you coming?" Even though they had separate bedrooms now, the question was still instinctive. Sometimes Ron almost forgot they weren't sharing the dormitory anymore.

"No." Grabbing the first piece of paper from the table, barely even looking at it, Harry muttered to Ron, "I still need to catch up on the paperwork." It didn't sound convincing even in his own ears. "See you in the morning." With that he sat down.

Ron opened his mouth to protest, but then he saw the relaxed way Harry was curling on the chair. He realized that maybe he just wanted to sit here with Sirius and Remus. That was fine by Ron. "Yeah. Sure. Good night, Harry."

"Night, Ron."

Harry was glad Ron hadn't asked any questions. It didn't look like Remus objected his presence either; he just looked at him a moment longer and then returned to his book.

He didn't want to go to bed yet, the solitude of his room feeling about as appealing as the crowd back at the Three Broomsticks.

This was nice. It wasn't really quiet, with the sound of heavy breathing and pages being turned; both familiar to Harry by now. He was slowly relaxing, and as he sank deeper to the chair, he realized just how tense he'd been all evening.

His back felt like he'd been carrying heavy cauldrons around all day. He'd be damn sore tomorrow.

There was nothing in the reports he really needed to read, and it was too late for him to really concentrate on anything right now. Still, he sat here.

It was undoubtedly the best thing that had happened today.

Watching Sirius cuddle closer to Remus brought a wistful smile to Harry's lips. He was glad his godfather was finally having some peace in his life, but seeing Sirius like this made him inevitably think about what he didn't have. The truth was that no matter how the adoring crowd annoyed him and the emptiness in his bedroom made him miserable, basically he simply missed Snape. Missed their conversations, or just the silence between them. It had been a terribly long time since he'd had any chance to be alone with him instead of seeing him across a crowded room.

He had never allowed himself to really pay attention to the horrible void of loneliness before it had been gone. Now it nagged at the edge of his consciousness. All the time.

A soft whimper came from Sirius, pulling Harry out of his thoughts, and was soon followed by other similar sounds. For a moment, Harry wondered if there was something wrong with his godfather. Then he saw the way he twitched in his sleep. Of course. He was dreaming.

It made Harry wonder how the Animagi dreamt. Was Sirius dreaming of ordinary human things, or was his dreamscape Snuffles' playground? Maybe he could one day ask.

Remus turned the page, gaze focused on the text he was reading. His free hand came to rest on Sirius' chest, moving in slight circles, a soothing caress. It seemed like the movement was totally involuntary, like he was reacting to a sound that spoke straight to his instincts.

Trying not to laugh out loud, Harry turned his gaze back to the report. He wondered just how often had his godfather spent his evenings as Snuffles, sleeping next to Remus while Remus scratched his belly.

Probably more often than they could count.

The lines on the page were becoming blurry, and Harry lowered the paper o his lap. He'd just close his eyes for a moment. He wasn't really tired, but his eyes were itching, and the darkness sort of helped.

It had been such a damn long day. A damn long week, really. He wasn't even sure what day it was, for it made no real difference. The Order worked seven days a week, some of them probably concentrating on reports and details during all possible hours.

He wished he could really think of the meetings and the reading as work, but it was so overwhelming it was becoming his whole life. There wasn't anything he could really do about it. He had nothing else to concentrate on.

At least it would keep him too busy to spend any real amount of time being maudlin.

Hearing a rustling sound, Harry opened his eyes to glance at Remus. He saw that Sirius was slowly waking up, stretching his arms above his head. Instead of getting up, he reached out with his hand and gently trailed over one of the scars running down Remus' face with a finger.

Harry closed his eyes again before they could see he was watching.

He was glad Sirius had someone like Remus. It was good to see them like this, when they dropped the pretense of simple friendship, even if just for a moment. Harry had heard how some of the older members of the Order whispered from time to time and understood at least a few of the reasons for their need for privacy. The troublemaker and the intellectual. The escaped prisoner and the werewolf. He didn't know what other comments had driven the secrecy this far, but could relate to them.

It didn't matter that they didn't want to really acknowledge what they had to anyone as long as they felt like they could act normally in their own home.

But even as Harry enjoyed watching the obvious love between those two, every tender gesture made him miss such a connection more. For once, it didn't make him feel annoyed, but simply wistful; remembering casual, simple touches and the silence that didn't feel strained.

Good memories of time spent with Snape were slowly lulling him closer to sleep.

"Harry?" Sirius whispered carefully. "Are you still awake?"

Smiling, Harry muttered, "Yeah, I'm awake." Once again it felt like a half-truth at best. He blinked owlishly at Sirius, wondering why he just smiled at him in response and shook his head.

He ignored it, letting his eyes close slowly. The papers he'd been holding were falling on the floor, but he didn't really care. The chair was nice and soft and with Sirius watching over him he felt safe enough to drift away.

---

Comments

[animehime.livejournal.com]

::just finished chapter 16/32 and has to fangirl again::

::squees, flails, fangirls, hugs::

*~*~*~*~*

And the Remus/Sirius? So bittersweet. ::sighs::

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

:D Hey, I could get used to all this squee...

[holding-pattern.livejournal.com]

Ron was definitely not thinking about anything he might need to stop thinking about

and

avoiding talking to Remus about things he definitely didn't want and glaring at Malfoy who was stupid enough to keep his word that he wouldn't approach him

Have I mentioned how adorable your angry-confused-Ron is? Because he is. So very Ron :-D. Also so different from Harry who seems to want to sort his problems out directly, but then I suppose unlike Ron he's had years to learn that he can't avoid stuff. Stuff. Oh, yes, I'm clearly swimming in a sea of eloquence here. :-)

[animehime.livejournal.com]

And so you should. ;)

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

Poor Ron! But he's had such a simple life with clear definitions of everything, so no wonder why he's a bit freaked out these days. Can't even imagine what would happen if he was forced to deal with all the responsibilities that are now shoved on Harry's shoulders...

Yes, your eloquence is astonishing! *smile* But I like the word stuff. It fits most situations.