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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
"Tea?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah. Thanks."
Pouring a cup full of the steaming liquid, Snape kept his voice quiet as he asked, "Have you finished with your packing yet?"
It was fortunate that Harry hadn't chosen to get the teapot himself, for the question made him jump. He didn't want to be reminded of tomorrow, but Snape never did let him escape reality. "Yeah." Not counting a stray sock behind the couch or the few toiletries left on the shelf in the bathroom. "Almost."
"I see." Deciding against making any comments, Snape put the pot down and then offered Harry his tea.
It wasn't really intentional, but Harry's fingers brushed against Snape's hand as he reached out to accept the cup. The way he let the touch linger on the other hand was. He didn't even feel ashamed of it, not even when Snape raised an eyebrow at him and that very familiar sneer appeared on his lips.
Harry simply drank his tea.
There was nothing to do, nothing to distract him from the fact that this was the last night he would spend here.
He was certain they could discuss about the future in a calm and logical manner if he brought up the subject. He could even mention his concerns and Snape would listen.
Leaning back on the couch, Harry closed his eyes. He didn't want to spend the evening talking about things in a reasonable manner. Nothing could change what would happen tomorrow. A discussion would undoubtedly lead into a fight over what kind of a future they could have together, and he really didn't need that right now.
He simply wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet for as long as he could.
It was almost as if he was living through a flashback, the similarities to their last day at the cottage enough to make Harry uncomfortable. He was going to say goodbye again and leave Snape behind again. Facing the future that would hold very few surprises was even worse than the blind jump to the unknown.
All too soon, Dobby came to collect the tray away. Harry didn't manage even a faint smile at the house elf, causing Dobby to cast worried looks at both him and Snape before leaving. It was late and Harry was tired. Too tired to pretend.
He snuggled on the chair and let his gaze move over all the familiar things; the cupboard, the doorway leading to the bedroom. Snape didn't seem to notice his stare -- or at least pretended not to -- and Harry spent long minutes simply looking at him.
"I believe it's time to retire for the night, Potter." Snape didn't comment on the flinch his words caused.
Gesturing with his hand, Harry muttered, "Yeah, you go on. I'll be there in a minute." He wasn't ready to get up yet.
It was much simpler to listen to Snape move around in the bathroom, the sound of a shower soothing, drowning the insistant ticking of the clock on the wall. The hands of the clock showed it was time to go to bed, and Harry could feel the lassitude spread all over him.
When Snape disappeared into the bedroom, the calmness seemed to turn into something suffocating. Harry stood up, ignoring his aching muscles and padded to the bathroom to go through his evening routines. Even though the warm water worked miracles on his slightly sore body, he didn't linger under the spray.
He wasn't going to waste more time than necessary showering.
The lights were already low in the bedroom. He could see Snape lying in bed, covers pulled up to his chest as usual, and the sight made him stop near the doorway and simply stare.
For a brief moment he wondered if he should turn around and walk back to the living room and spend the night in his chair. It would be too difficult to sleep here now. Then his feet were moving on their own volition, carrying him to the bedside and it was the easiest thing in the world to slip under the covers next to Snape.
A soft sigh greeted him, but there were no words.
Harry was grateful, for he didn't think he could handle talking now. He was barely able to turn out the lights completely.
Like last night, Harry snuggled as close to Snape as possible, not waiting until they could both pretend they were asleep. He knew that if his actions were unwelcome, Snape would tense or say so.
It had been a long day, and he was exhausted. They wouldn't have to wake up early, but it was best to get a good night's sleep before tomorrow, for it would undoubtedly be a busy day.
The meeting that would change everything was merely hours away, and Harry didn't want to look half dead in front of the Order.
His eyes opened to stare into the utter darkness.
Tired as he was, he could already feel insomnia lurking at the edge of his awareness. He moved even closer to Snape, his arm snaking around his waist and squeezed his eyes shut. Breathing in and out, he tried to relax.
Pushing the panic away was harder than he could have imagined. All he could think of was that he didn't want to go through tomorrow. Whatever small steps he'd already taken on the path set for him were insignificant compared to tomorrow. His decision made in Dumbldeore's office while watching the Headmaster and Minister Fudge had felt so profound, but it had simply been the end of his inner struggle. Tomorrow, he'd have to match his resolve with actions, and it was terrifying.
Trying to dissolve his fears with yet another deep breath, Harry concentrated on feeling Snape's body against his own, grounding him to the here and now.
Not exactly a relaxing thing.
The need that flooded through him was almost as terrifying as thoughts of leaving. Snape was lying so close to him, his body hard angles against his, the faint scent of herbs lingering all around him, and there was no way Harry could keep his own body from stirring.
He knew he should let go and then walk back into the bathroom, but he was already settled down and as nice as a slow wank in the shower sounded, this was better.
The silence was broken by Snape's calm breathing only. It would have been enough to lull him to sleep if he hadn't been so excited by the simple closeness of Snape's body. Maybe in time it would indeed override the lust and the angst and he could simply drift away.
Minutes ticked by. Harry fidgeted a little, trying to find a better position but unwilling to let go of Snape. His feet were uncomfortably tangled with the covers, but squirming didn't really help.
He was restless and horny and was it really hot in here or was it just his imagination? He didn't know, but the thought of taking off his T-shirt sounded like a plan. Then again, pressing his naked chest against Snape's robes would just make this worse.
He fidgeted again, trying to find a more comfortable way to lie so close to the man.
"Will you stop that!" Snape's voice came from the darkness, sounding annoyed. It made him jump and accidentally push his erection even harder against Snape's hip. "And do something about that thing!"
Harry was glad it was dark. This way his embarrassment wouldn't be so damn obvious. "Oh. I'm sorry." He'd thought Snape was already asleep. Moving back a bit, he tried to will his erection away.
It didn't exactly work.
"Good." Rolling forward, Snape snapped the word out. They would both be busy tomorrow and maybe after this they could finally get some sleep. "The potion is in the round bottle on the nightstand."
Harry wondered if he was talking about the infamous neutering potion. That wouldn't surprise him, knowing Snape's evil sense of humor. "Potion?"
"Yes. Potion. Now would you please hurry up! I don't have all night for this."
Deciding not to ask, Harry squirmed towards the edge of the bed, reaching out with his hand. At least the small round bottle was easy to find by touch only. He opened the bottle carefully, sniffing the contents.
The scent made him freeze. He would definitely recognize this potion anywhere.
Did Snape really mean what he thought he meant? It was pretty obvious, considering that he was holding lubricant potion in his hands, but why would Snape give him this now?
Heart pounding, Harry sat there for a moment, wondering if he'd fallen asleep after all and was now experiencing a very hot dream.
It didn't exactly feel like a dream, even though he was certain he would dream of shagging Snape on this very last night in the dungeons. Of course in a dream he would already be naked instead of contemplating imagining things.
He moved quickly back to Snape, all thoughts of just closing his eyes and getting a good night's sleep gone. "I didn't think you'd have the time to work on anything as insignificant as this." Laying his hand on Snape's back -- missing in the dark and fumbling for a while until his palm met with the soft cloth of his night robes -- he regretted his words instantly as he felt Snape move away from him.
"You may want to call in insignificant, but I refuse to let you stick that thing anywhere near me without proper lubrication." There was definitely amusement in Snape's voice.
Harry's fingers went nerveless and he dropped the bottle. Fortunately it hit the mattress next to him. "Really?" He hadn't even thought about this. Snape always tried to be in control of everything, so he'd assumed he wouldn't wish to relax enough to enjoy being shagged.
Snorting, Snape refused to answer that. He rested his head on his crossed arms and waited for Harry to stop the unavoidable gawking and get on with it.
He didn't have to wait for long.
But instead of feeling hands yanking off his night robe, there was a hesitant touch on his shoulder, compelling him to turn around. He complied, wondering what was going on. The moment of fumbling and then the soft kiss planted on his lips were an answer enough.
He should have remembered this; the slightly sloppy kisses Harry bestowed so easily and without any agenda beyond their mutual enjoyment.
Hating even the idea of breaking the kiss, Harry muttered against Snape's lips, "You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to." No matter how much he wanted this, he had the very unpleasant feeling of this being a goodbye of sorts.
A consolation prize Snape was offering to him.
"Don't be an idiot, Potter. I'm not sacrificing my virtue for your sake." Snape leaned closer for another kiss Harry was eager to give. Waiting patiently until Harry had to breathe again, he gasped in air and then muttered, "I am not doing anything I don't want to."
He sounded rather angry at that.
Harry smiled. "Good." It wasn't pity either, he could bet that Snape never did things out of pity. "Neither am I." With that, he kissed Snape again. He wasn't stupid enough to ask if he really wanted this then.
"Yes, that is fairly obvious." The sneer was audible in Snape's voice. "I assume you are aware of what to do with the potion?"
Opting against rambling, Harry simply muttered, "Yeah, I am."
"Good. Then get on with it."
It was pitch black in the bedroom, but Harry had no trouble trailing his lips along Snape's neck. He'd missed this so much, he needed this simple touch more than what was being offered.
The reasons for this didn't really matter. Harry didn't care if it was a way to say goodbye or a dream or something else. He was touching Snape, and it felt more real than anything in his world and it was enough.
He took his time undressing Snape, touching and tasting the familiar skin before reaching for the potion again. He was nervous, the feeling making his erection wilt a little. It wasn't a bad thing, really, because he needed to make this last. Snape had made awfully many comments about hormonal teenagers already, and right now, Harry wanted to prove him wrong. Wanted to make him feel good, make him revel in his touch.
Scrambling out of his pajama pants was less than graceful, but since Snape couldn't see the way he struggled with them and then flung them across the floor, it didn't really matter.
He wanted this. Foolish words of gratitude bubbled in his mind, almost escaping before he swallowed them down. He didn't think he needed to say anything out loud, his actions made his enthusiasm more than clear.
Trying not to let the bottle slip from his nervous grip, Harry scooped up some of the potion. He needed to make this perfect somehow; show Snape he wasn't a fumbling idiot. He didn't know what had made him offer this and didn't really care, but he had to make sure that Snape wouldn't regret this.
He lay his palm on Snape's arse, hesitant touches in the dark.
This would be so much easier if he put the lights on so that he could see. He actually thought of going for his wand for a moment, but then discarded the notion. He didn't want to let go of Snape now, didn't want to lose the connection.
Didn't want to risk this was just a dream and moving would wake him up.
It was definitely awkward to do it like this, but he was determined to make it work. Slowly, he ran his potion free hand down Snape's arse, the beat of his own heart so loud in his ears that he could hear nothing else.
Harry felt Snape move slightly. At first he thought he was pushing him away. Then his breath caught as he realized Snape was spreading his legs, inviting him in.
He sat frozen in place for a moment, unable to comprehend that small movement for just a second. Then his tentative touch turned into a firmer one, his fingers trailing Snape's arse, moving without hesitation.
All the thoughts of settling to simply sharing the same bed with Snape disappeared as he touched the heat inside him. He was used to self denial, at least to a point, but he could never again lie to himself about this. The quiet evenings and the discussions and sleeping next to Snape were good, but he wanted this as well.
He poured more of the potion on his hand, not caring if some of it dribbled onto the sheets. He was going to shag Snape and nothing else mattered.
For the first time, Snape's silence in bed unnerved Harry. Usually he could tell by the sounds if he was doing this right, but there was nothing but steady breathing. He couldn't even see Snape's expression. Would there be approval in the dark gaze, or quiet annoyance? Did he really want this?
The very unpleasant thought made Harry ask, "I'm not hurting you, am I?"
"No, you're not." It came as a suffering sigh. "It seems this is the one thing where your standards are above dismal."
Harry smiled at the words, but he still wished he could see Snape. In the darkness, there was nothing but skin on skin, as if everything else had disappeared and there was no world beyond the bed. As intimate as it felt, he couldn't help wondering what it would be like to actually see the skin he was touching. How would Snape's eyes look as he pressed into him?
The thought alone made him shiver.
Eyes open, staring into the complete darkness, he kept touching Snape. Trying to compensate for the lack of sight, his ears picked up every sound, the rustling of the sheets, the slow wet glide of his own fingers. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on Snape's skin, needing that connection as well.
"Do remember that the potion is not edible."
"Okay." That mental image alone was enough to make Harry's hands shake and he couldn't believe how calmly Snape could say that. It didn't even sound as weird as it had the first time Harry had heard about licking someone's arse. Would his mouth there shatter Snape's control? He had no idea, but he wished he could find out.
He was going to do that some day and to hell with Snape's notions of not sharing things anymore! Now that he knew that they both really did want this, he was not going to let go.
Deciding that starting an argument right now would be a very bad idea, Harry simply kissed his way up Snape's spine.
He closed his slippery fingers over his own erection, spreading the potion over his skin quickly. This was going to be over before he ever got inside Snape if he spent a moment longer preparing himself.
Then he was there, pushing in, and he had to bite his lip to keep from losing it and coming way too soon.
He wanted this to be good.
Harry moved as slowly as he could, nuzzling against Snape's neck. He didn't want to rush this, but was unable to stay still. The heat surrounding him was maddening, forcing him to flex his hips ever so slightly, to try to bury himself even deeper in Snape. He pushed Snape's hair out of his way so that he could trace his soft skin right under his ear with his lips.
Sliding his hand down Snape's arm to brace himself against the mattress, he groaned quietly as he realized Snape was clutching at the sheets with a death grip.
"Are you all right?" The question came out from between clenched teeth as Harry fought against the need to thrust.
"You still ask such stupid questions." Snape's voice was hoarse. "Now move!"
Harry couldn't disobey that. He let out an almost grateful sigh as he started to move, searching for a rhythm with a few almost painfully awkward thrusts before finding the right tempo.
His breath came in harsh pants, his lips were moving, but no sound came out. Even in this haze of pleasure, instinct warned him against the word. He leaned closer to Snape, kissing his neck again. The breath that formed a fiery "Mine!" caressed the skin beneath his lips, but he didn't voice it out loud.
He'd always known he could be possessive and needed people who would be there just for him. There had been that desire whenever he'd been with a lover, but it had never been as strong as now.
The need to claim Snape as his wasn't simply because he was buried inside of him, joined in this intoxicating moment. Shagging him felt so good it was almost scary, but simply the fact that he was with Snape was even better. He'd never had anything he'd wanted this much, and he never wanted to let go of this.
Harry let out a choking sound as he felt Snape squeeze him, muttering curses from under his breath about sadistic bastards. He was too far gone to know what he was saying, and hoped that any understandable words were lost in the middle of the desperate gasps.
It was impossible to stop now and Harry sobbed out something that sounded embarrassingly like an apology as he thrust in harder. He didn't want this to end yet, wanted Snape to come first, wanted this to last forever, the incredible rush of pleasure about to hit him like a charm and he squeezed Snape's hip so hard it had to bruise as he came.
He managed somehow not to slump on Snape's back, breathing in harsh breaths as his heartrate slowed down somewhere closer to the norm.
Slightly disappointed with himself for coming before his partner could, Harry leaned back and pulled Snape with him to his side. He winced a little as the movement separated him from Snape, wondering if there would be any comments about the mess he was undoubtedly making.
He lay there for a moment, trying to catch his breath. Damn, he had missed this, the insanity of the frantic movements, the touch of Snape's skin against his.
The bedsprings let out a faint creak as Snape fidgeted, as if he was starting to move away from him. A moment later Harry realized that he was indeed moving away, getting ready to leave the bed.
"No... Please, wait." Harry didn't know what Snape was thinking he was about to do next, but somehow the mere thought of not touching him now was making his chest too heavy. Did Snape really think he'd just lie here and maybe even fall asleep without even trying to make him come? The thought was completely unpleasant, more horrifying than anything.
Snape stopped inching away from him and lay there waiting. "Yes?"
The fact that he didn't really sound angry was worse than anything.
Without hesitation, Harry molded himself against Snape's back again, kissing his neck. "Sorry. Didn't mean to be so selfish." He didn't want to be sorry, he just wanted to make things better.
He hugged Snape against him before reaching out to grab Snape's still hard prick. Trying very hard not to fumble, he settled into the familiar stroking rhythm.
He kissed Snape's shoulder gently as he heard the man's breath catch.
Soon, his hand was joined by Snape's, guiding his touch to a faster pace. It didn't take long; feeling Snape arch into their joined touch, Harry wrapped himself tighter against Snape, the soft groan echoing in the darkness escaping his own throat when he felt the familiar wetness on his hand.
Taking deep breaths, Harry lay there. He was glad of the darkness, knowing there was no way he could not grin foolishly right now.
Next to him, Snape squirmed around to find his wand and cast a cleaning charm on the sheets. Then as an afterthought, he cleaned them both as well. It would have to be enough until the morning. Harry yawned, feeling completely exhausted and almost boneless with contentment. It was fortunate he wasn't required anywhere until noon.
He lay back down. Not even tomorrow's meeting and thoughts of war could keep him awake. This already felt like a sweet dream, and he was perfectly content to let it continue forever.
"Snape?"
"Yes?" Snape wasn't surprised to hear Harry's voice. It was late, they had just had sex and it would be reasonable to fall asleep. So of course he would feel the need to talk right now.
Instead of saying anything, Harry inched closer. His hand brushed against Snape's nose, feeling around till it found his cheek. A moment later he leaned down to kiss his lips. It was an unhurried kiss, full of satisfaction.
There were still no words when Harry pulled back a little and then once again latched onto Snape like a leech.
Snape let none of the sarcastic words that came to mind escape him. He simply moved a little to accommodate Harry better and then lay there, staring into the darkness.
He's a bit amazed of how easy this was. Not the physical act; it was so familiar to him from years past that he didn't need to think about it really. But he'd wondered about how Harry would deal with this, and how would he be able to simply give his body here on his own territory, where no one had ever touched him like this before.
It had not been earth shattering, but the quiet burn had been more than enough. The simple pleasure Harry wanted to share with him was still somewhat a mystery to him.
Sighing, he closed his eyes.
When he opened them again, his inner clock was telling him it was time to wake up.
He let Harry sleep as late as possible, dressing up as quietly as he could. This would be quite different from yesterday, when they had almost been able to pretend that things weren't really going to change.
The way Harry so clearly sulked through the breakfast they had in Snape's living room confirmed his suspicions.
Snape didn't comment on the silence or the almost panicky look in Harry's eyes. There was nothing new to say. This reminded him of the last day they'd spent at the safe house, when Harry had suddenly looked like he hadn't really understood that they were leaving until that final moment.
At least this time they could have some privacy. He didn't even try to pretend he didn't know what was going on, but simply sat next to Harry on the couch, ignoring the way Harry seemed to need to touch him all the time.
Time seemed to almost fly by, which was strange, for they were simply sitting here, doing nothing. Snape was startled to notice that even though it felt like they had sent the breakfast tray back only a moment ago, it was already lunch time.
"Do you want me to send for lunch?" Seeing the slight shake of head, Snape decided that he wasn't hungry either. "All right. But I insist we have some tea."
It would definitely look bad if Harry fainted later on.
Harry looked up, shrugging. "Whatever." His gaze was distant.
The familiar house elf bringing the tea looked worried again, casting a disapproving look at Snape before disappearing. Snape wanted to hex the little creature.
This was definitely not his idea of a pleasant day. Almost anything would be better than sitting in an oppressive silence and waiting. Harry seemed to be completely satisfied with his moping, though. He simply took the offered cup of tea and then leaned even closer to Snape.
Snape didn't move away, allowing the touch.
Minutes ticked by. The silence made it feel like they were inside a bubble that existed out of time. An apt analogy, for Snape didn't want to focus on either the past or the future. He couldn't change what had already happened, all he could do was to accept it and move on. This time, he was unable to shape much of their near future either. It was out of his hands for as soon as they left this room, things would once again spin out of his control.
He wasn't sure he even wanted to have any control on what would happen. It was easier to simply let go and move back to the shadows where he'd lived most of his life.
Tea time came and went without either man commenting on it.
Finally Harry let out a sigh. "It's time, isn't it?" He sounded dejected. When Snape nodded, he sighed again. "I guess..." The words got stuck in his throat and he had to swallow before saying, "I guess we'd better get going."
Snape got up. "Yes. They're waiting." He didn't say whom they were waiting for, because they both knew the truth already. No one was really waiting for him, while their world was holding breath expecting Harry to arrive any moment now.
He walked to the door, not looking at the packed trunk waiting near the wall. The house elves would take care of that later on.
"Snape?"
The very quiet sound of his name spoken out made him stop. Turning around, he saw Harry standing next to the couch as if he hadn't even moved. Snape didn't like the uncomfortable sensation that filled him as he watched Harry.
Everything ended. This was the second time in weeks he was doing this, and for some reason it didn't get any easier. If anything, this was more difficult than leaving the cottage, and Snape had no idea why. "We have to go."
"I know."
Snape saw the slight change in Harry, once again marveling at the strength he was showing, at the same time wondering just exactly how much of it was pure stubborness. He knew that there would be no whining, no confusion, even though Harry would undoubtedly kiss him before they left the dungeons.
He was glad to see that there was only a very faint trace of the sadness showing in the green eyes. Harry looked determined to face whatever the day was going to throw at him.
When Harry finally stepped next to him and raised his face, clearly expecting a kiss, Snape leaned down. He didn't want to say anything, not having the faintest idea of what would be proper in a situation like this. Any platitude would be too emotional or sound completely hollow.
The kiss tasted of sorrow, salty like swallowed tears. Snape closed his eyes at the taste and when the brief touch of Harry's lips on his was gone, he wanted to wipe his mouth.
Opening the door, he gestured at the shadowy hallway, waiting for a briefest moment before following Harry.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-24 05:27 pm (UTC)i'm a bit speechless at the moment. i just...
wow.
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Date: 2006-11-25 07:29 am (UTC)