![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Four: -Before you can go forward, you must face your past. Sins of the father may bury the son. Harry will find out if a dog really is the man's best friend.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, mention of het rape, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes, angst and a partridge in a pear tree.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
"Phoenix." The word came out tonelessly.
Harry knew it was barely two pm, but he was already exhausted. It had been a long morning, but still the hours he'd spent with Sirius and Remus and then the short visit to the owlery to see Hedwig had seemed to fly by.
Dragging his feet, he walked to the staircase that was already rolling up, riding them the whole way to Dumbledore's offices.
He didn't need to knock on the door, for it was already ajar, waiting for him to enter. Hearing the soft voices coming from inside, he once again straightened his back, determined not to look like he felt. He didn't want to show his weariness and pain to anyone right now.
Plastering a look of indifference on his face, Harry stepped into the room.
Seeing Fudge sit on the couch, drinking tea and smiling at Dumbledore made him want to turn around and walk away. He didn't want to do this right now, didn't really want to do anything beyond simply going back to the dungeons and crawling into bed.
"Harry. How nice of you to join us!" Dumbledore gestured him to come and sit down. "Allow me to pour you some tea." Without waiting for a reply, he grabbed the tea pot.
"Ah. Harry Potter! Yes, yes do sit down." Smiling a polite and obviously false smile, Fudge nodded at Harry.
Harry took the offered cup and then sat down on a chair opposite to the Headmaster. The cup warmed his icy fingers.
He didn't engage in the pleasantries Dumbledore and Fudge exchanged, choosing to remain mostly silent. Nodding here and there, he sat there, listening.
Soon, they would get to the reason of this meeting. Harry was familiar with the long and winding speeches Fudge tended to give people he wanted to impress, and he didn't really listen to him. He needed to keep his energy until they actually got to the point.
He wasn't sure he could smile and talk about the lovely weather for long minutes and then talk about death without wanting to scream.
It had been bad enough at St. Mungo's, where Remus had looked at him with such a terrible knowing in his eyes.
He had wanted to curl next to him and Sirius and just be there, like he did at night with Snape, without any thoughts or words. It was all he wanted right now, to be able to concentrate on himself and let others deal with everything else.
Harry raised the cup to his lips, not really tasting the tea, but noticing the warmth that seeped into him as he sipped it.
This was it; the moment he'd been expecting. Strange, but he'd thought it would be some kind of a spectacle. Not three men sitting in a quiet room, drinking tea. But no matter how small the occasion was, to him it was the most profound ever. He had been asked to come here to be a part of this, to have his say, and by simply appearing, he had made the choice he had dreaded for so long.
Smiling a cynical little smile, he let Dumbledore and Fudge finish with their overly polite small talk. He might have to live with his choice, but he was going to do it his own way.
"More tea?" Once again not waiting for the nods, Dumbledore refilled their cups. Then he leaned back on his chair, his expression serious.
That seemed to be a signal for Fudge as well. Looking somber, he said, "Yes. Well, there is some urgent business we need to tend to, but first, Harry, allow me to offer my condolences for your loss."
Harry felt a very inappropriate urge to laugh in his face, but settled for a nod. He didn't say anything about the way Fudge was using his name. It wasn't the first time he said it like that, but Harry had never liked the sound of it less. He wondered if he should join this game somehow.
It made no real difference what he called the man. The game looked just as meaningless as the one Malfoy had played at the cottage and he wanted no part in it. "Thank you, Minister."
A small smile flickered on Fudge's lips, and he seemed to enjoy his hollow victory. "Yes, a terrible thing, really. Foolish hooligans playing tricks. I'm appalled that what was undoubtedly meant as a prank got so out of hands."
"Cornelius." Looking very calm, but determined, Dumbledore said, "It was no random prank. The Muggles at Privet Drive were attacked at the same time as the Weasleys were. And there were other incidents as you well know."
Fudge put his cup down, clearly displeased by the words. "I do admit that it sounds a bit strange, but..."
"The attacks were well planned." It was as if Dumbledore didn't pay any attention to Fudge's protests. "Small groups of people using the darkness of the night as their cover, killing and maiming. Does that sound familiar to you?"
While Fudge shook his head so hard it made his hair stand on end, Harry fought against the images of his dreams. Not only the ones he'd had recently, but the nightmares he'd had during the years. Some clearly conjured up by his imagination after he'd learned about the Death Eaters, some memories of the things he'd seen.
He knew people didn't want to believe it was happening again. Those who had survived the first war against Voldemort's people probably prayed it was simply a rumor.
Three dead people were not a rumor. No one could deny their existence.
Fudge was still shaking his head. "It's not possible. You must be mistaken. There is no indication whatsoever that... No. It's not happening."
"Yes, it is." To his surprise, Harry said that out loud. "We don't want it to happen, but it doesn't change the fact that it is real."
At the same time, Dumbledore nodded, "Voldemort has returned." The words seemed to echo in the room, making the shadows in the corners grow until they looked like they were going to swallow up all the light.
"You can not be serious!" Fudge sounded outraged.
"I am, Cornelius. I am. According to eyewitnesses, there were dark robed people attacking both Privet Drive and the Burrow. Some of our staff -- including professor McGonagall -- saw the same people burn Hagrid's hut. They were all wearing masks and they left behind the Dark Mark burning in the sky." Dumbledore shook his head. "Why is it so hard for you to see the truth?"
Harry didn't say anything, but he knew the answer to that. It was like when he'd been younger, hearing Aunt Petunia soothe Dudley who had thought there was a monster under the bed. Fudge was acting like a child, telling himself there was no threat from Voldemort, almost believing it was true.
Nothing had ever made him change his mind, not the yearly Death Eater raids, not Harry's testimonies -- some under Veritaserum -- about Voldemort.
"I..." With some considerable effort, Fudge straightened himself. "They could have been impostors. People who want to cherish the memory of You-Know-Who. I have read the Muggles do that with their monsters. So why not deranged wizards?"
"Both Arthur and Bill Weasley report that they saw one of the attackers push down his hood and that he had long, white hair. Does that sound familiar to you?"
As Fudge choked at that, Harry closed his eyes in pain. Sympathy for Draco Malfoy was definitely a new emotion. He deserved it now.
He knew that Lucius Malfoy hadn't revealed his identity by mistake. It had been a declaration of war, something that went beyond the sniping between him and Arthur Weasley whenever they met. Harry knew that he had probably taken great pleasure of what had happened that night. What he had done.
"It couldn't have been Lucius Malfoy! He's an upstanding citizen!" It was clear by Fudge's tone that he didn't believe it any more than the others did. His gaze was full of terrible fear.
Words of anger were already on Harry's lips. He wasn't only angry, he was shocked. He hadn't even left school yet, wasn't considered a full adult in the wizarding world and yet he could face the truth so much easier than this man. The Minister for Magic was the leader of their world, and he was willing to bury his head in the sand. Burying their whole world with him.
Dumbledore's voice rang out before he could say a thing. He sounded sad, but firm. "Cornelius, we both know it's true. They will come, no matter what you tell yourself. If you can't see that, you will forever be remembered as the man who condemned our world."
That seemed to penetrate Fudge's shields. He jolted as if being struck by a lightning, looking up. His eyes were huge, filled with fear.
It made Harry feel sick to his stomach.
He didn't want to see the leaders of their world like this. Some part of him wanted to believe in their absolute wisdom and that they would protect everyone from whatever monsters lurked in the shadows. He couldn't afford that now, when he could see the awful truth before him.
An old man who didn't have enough power to really do everything people might want to give him credit for. Harry hated that knowledge, for he truly revered Dumbledore. He hated knowing the truth about Fudge even more, for the man didn't even try. He simply hid his head in a bush and hoped every bad thing would just disappear.
Was this really what their world had to offer? Were they really going to fight against Voldemort like this?
Harry knew there was only one other option. The one he hated the most.
He met Dumbledore's gaze, seeing the sad and serious look there. It made him almost cringe.
Fudge was taking deep breaths, controlling himself with considerable effort. "Yes, well we must consider this situation very carefully indeed." He was pushing the shock away with obvious unease.
It was clear that he was not about to discuss it more now, changing the subject with aplomb, focusing his gaze on Harry. "Actually, There is something else I wished to talk about."
His very blatant dismissal of three deaths didn't even surprise Harry. He hadn't expected anything else. If this was truly the way politics made people act, he didn't want anything to do with the Ministry after the war.
Dumbledore simply poured more tea.
"I came here to offer you a job. With the Ministry. We need someone with your... qualities."
The slight pause made Harry smile wryly. He wondered just exactly what qualities Fudge meant. His skills in DADA? His fame and reputation? "I'm... flattered." It was clear from Dumbledore's slight smile that his hesitation wasn't missed either. "But I haven't even passed all my N.E.W.T.s yet. I can't possibly take a job."
"That will not be a problem. We can take care of the paperwork." As the Minister for Magic, Fudge knew it really wouldn't be a big thing.
Harry nodded slightly, trying to hide his nausea. Was this really the way things would go from now on? Doors opened, rules bent. He wondered what Fudge really intended him to do with the Ministry, probably smile at reporters and then stay out of their way until it was the time for him to sacrifice himself for the good of their world, fighting someone Fudge didn't even want to believe existed anymore. "I appreciate the offer."
It was polite, but a complete lie.
"But I can't accept it. I really have to finish school first, and then I need some time to figure out what I want to do." Time to do the thing he really didn't want to.
There was a disappointed look on Fudge's face. This was definitely not his day.
Trying to cover his disappointment, he cast a glance at the clock, feigning surprise. "Goodness! I hadn't realized how late it is!" It was almost half past two. "Albus, thank you for the tea, but I really must go now." He was up before Dumbledore could even say anything.
"Of course." Following Fudge's lead, Dumbledore got to his feet, gesturing towards the door. "It has been a pleasure as always."
Harry got up as well, wishing he could lie as well as the Headmaster did. "Minister." He didn't even try to think of anything else to say. It would sound forced anyway.
Fudge nodded at both of them. Then he hurried out of the room.
"That was... unpleasant." Harry slumped back on the chair. He was too tired to mind his words, even with the Headmaster.
"I do believe that in time, he will come to see things more clearly." Smiling slightly, Dumbledore sat as well. "Sherbet Lemon?"
Harry shook his head. "No thank you." He wasn't in the mood for anything sweet right now.
The offered treat would be followed by soft words, and Harry didn't want those either. In the silence, he wished that Dumbledore wouldn't ask any inane questions about how he was doing. Any platitudes he could invent would be lies and he didn't want to think about the truth now.
"Fudge may sound reluctant to commit himself in anything, but he has increased Auror patrols everywhere. I doubt there'll be any attacks for a while."
Harry wasn't amazed by the calm words. He wanted to believe the Death Eaters would lay low for some time, but deep inside he had to wonder if they could really have the time they needed to get ready for what was going to happen. "Good." At least Fudge wasn't a total idiot.
"I was wondering if you feel like taking your N.E.W.T.s now." Keeping his expression bland, Dumbledore asked that as if they were indeed back to being a Headmaster and a simple student.
It was a relief. Then the meaning of the words registered. "Now?" For a moment Harry felt utter panic at the thought. Then he could see the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes. "Oh, I thought..." He actually smiled at his own silliness. "Yeah. I think it would be best if I took them now."
He wanted this over with. Leaving school was a signpost in a wizard's life, and he knew he needed to pass that before he could go on. A part of him begged to be left alone, to cling to his past life for as long as he could, but he crushed such childishness ruthlessly.
"Splendid.." Handing out a piece of parchment, Dumbledore said quietly, "I took the liberty of making a schedule for your exams. Charms, Transfigurations and DADA are mandatory, but I see you chose Care of Magical Creatures as well."
"I... If I may, I'd like to drop that." It had sounded like a good idea at the time, but there was really no time to read for yet another exam. Besides, he'd only chosen it to make Hagrid happy, and Hagrid wasn't here anymore.
With a very knowing look, Dumbledore simply nodded. "That would seem like a wise thing to do right now. All right then." He tapped the parchment with his wand, and some of the ink disappeared. "There. I also heard you have already passed Potions and Divinations."
"Yes. Professor Snape gave us the exam while we were away." Letting some of the disgusted amusement he felt about the whole Divinations thing, Harry added, "And apparently professor Trelawney has seen fit to award me with a grade I do not deserve."
There was no comment on that. "Since professor Pahicna is no longer available, I will give you the exam on DADA."
Harry nodded. He was grateful the Headmaster was doing this himself. The only other person in Hogwarts qualified for such a thing was Snape and he refused to even think about what would happen if Snape had to reassume his duty as his teacher.
Almost as if reading his thoughts, Dumbledore coughed slightly. "That brings me to the subject of your living arrangements. I noticed you aren't staying in the Gyffindor tower."
"No." It still amazed Harry how every time he tried to sound firm and independent in these offices, his words came out with an almost petulant whine. At least this time he managed not to babble.
He saw the knowing look in Dumbledore's eyes, and couldn't help feeling resentment; the feeling that had always made him feel uncomfortable. He liked the old Headmaster very much, but sometimes he simply couldn't take the not so subtle manipulation. "And I'm not going to move back there. I'm perfectly comfortable in the dungeons."
As the silence stretched, he wondered if he should say more. That Snape was no longer his teacher, that he was old enough to make decisions for himself. That he would not let anyone dictate his life, not on this. His future was already set, by years of guidance and tutoring, mostly done by this man. This was something he chose for himself.
Harry sat there, not saying anything. He was not going to explain himself. Not now. He respected Dumbledore more than anyone, but he was not going to let his opinion affect what was between him and Snape.
"Harry..." Sighing, Dumbledore fell silent. There was no real twinkle in his eyes, only a tired look. "Please tell Severus I would appreciate it if you both joined us for breakfast in the Great Hall tomorrow morning."
"Of course." Cringing at the thought of actually telling that to Snape, Harry nodded anyway.
Dumbledore seemed to think that the matter was settled. "Good. I do believe you should stay here at Hogwarts for a bit longer, at least until we make other arrangements. After you pass your exams, I would like you to move to Hogsmeade. There is a house waiting for you there."
That made Harry look up in wonder. He hadn't really thought that far ahead.
"The Order will gather here in the beginning, but I would like to make Hogsmeade our new headquarters. Hogwarts is a school, not a command center."
"I see." Harry did, better than most would think. He could bet that even if the Order moved to Hogsmeade, Dumbledore would remain here. "Sounds good, sir. It would be too dangerous to stay here, especially when the school starts again."
There was really no other option for him but to accept this. He had no wishes, no dreams beyond peace. Staying in Hogsmeade with the Order would be a nightmare at times, but he knew it was the only way he could ever achieve what he wanted.
"Yes. The house will be perfectly safe." Dumbledore didn't add that Privet Drive should have been a safe place as well. They both knew it. "It belongs to you, courtesy of the Order, so in case you want to invite others to live there as well, you're quite welcome to do so. I would imagine your godfather might appreciate the opportunity of spending more time with you."
Harry's eyes widened, both with the shock of being handed a whole house so casually and with joy at the thought. It had been one of his biggest dreams since his third year here, to be able to live with Sirius, as a real family. If he couldn't stay here, that would be more than enough. "Thank you."
They both finished their tea in silence.
It was a relief to escape the Headmaster's offices a while later. Holding the exam schedule in his hand, Harry walked through the corridors, nodding at the few professors he saw but not staying to chat with anyone.
He'd already been beat when he'd come back from St. Mungo's and now he was completely exhausted. Life had been so simple and calm for so long, days filled with nothing more complicated than easy chores. It was difficult to get used to the hectic rhythm of life here. His mind was so full of details he was afraid his head was about to explode.
It was good to go to the dungeons. He couldn't think of the Gryffindor tower as his home anymore, it would never be a home without his housemates. For now, home was the small apartment downstairs.
He refused to think about how that would change soon. With everything already changing, he didn't need to worry about that as well.
The smell of Bubotuber pus welcomed him, and he smiled slightly at the familiarity of the smell. He wondered if every Muggleborn wizard would always connect the smell with petrol. Pushing the door open -- how nice of Snape to make the door respond to his touch as well -- he announced, "I'm back."
"Yes, Potter. I can see that." Wiping his forehead with a rag, Snape glanced from where he was stirring a cauldron. "How was your day?" The clipped tone indicated that it was an actual question.
Harry sighed. "I'll tell you all about it later." He probably would, too. Things were happening so fast he needed to organize his thoughts. First, he'd try that on his own, then he'd talk to Snape. It had always been a good idea before.
Accepting that with a nod, Snape turned back to his potion. He knew that whatever Fudge had wanted had not been easy on Harry, and he would hear about it when Harry was ready. Their silences were calm and he would have plenty of time to finish his task before they would sit down and talk about today.
He didn't hurry with his work. It was good to clean the table while the final batch of the potion bubbled in the cauldron. He noticed how Harry busied himself with some parchment for a while and then went to his now enlarged trunk to collect his books.
The quiet domesticity should probably have annoyed Snape, but he couldn't conjure up the emotion even though he did try. He had been certain the simplicity of the silence had been marred by weeks of physical contact and it was actually pleasant to see that wasn't the case.
Things were quite back to the way they had been, with that one exception.
When Snape finally put the cauldron to dry after some rather furious scrubbing, it was already time for dinner. He was a bit amazed to see how late it was. Harry had simply sat on the couch for hours, his nose buried in his Transfigurations book, not saying anything the whole time.
"Do you want to go to the Great Hall for dinner, or should I order us something?" Snape asked, already knowing the answer.
Harry looked up, startled at the sudden question. He glanced at the clock, his eyes widening a little. "Oh. I hadn't noticed it's so late." Slamming the book shut, he added, "I don't really feel like going anywhere right now, but if you want to..."
"Spare me the platitudes, Potter." This was the one thing they agreed on completely. It was always more pleasurable to eat in peace. Ignoring the impish grin Harry threw at him, Snape contacted the house elves and then went to the bathroom to wash his hands.
Like the evening before, the dinner was brought by a strangely dressed house elf. Snape didn't say anything about the mismatched pair of socks the small creature wore or the way he seemed to be unable to pass Harry without patting him on the knee. He'd stopped wondering about the mismatched group of people and beings Harry undoubtedly called friends a long time ago.
The house elf seemed to make Harry smile a genuine smile. Not many things did these days, so Snape managed to hold his tongue.
"Thanks, Dobby." Harry nodded at the house elf as he sat down, breathing in the wonderful scents coming from the plates. Even the lingering odor of the potion didn't spoil this.
Casting a wary look at Snape, the house elf patted Harry's knee one more time and then disappeared with a snap of his fingers.
The way Harry attacked the meal immediately and kept his attention on the food was a clear sign that he didn't want to talk about anything right now. Snape didn't mind, realizing he was famished himself. The food was excellent and the house elves had even added some chocolate cake to the tray.
Snape decided he could indulge, enjoying a slice of the cake with his tea. He didn't miss the relieved expression on Harry's face as he shoveled the sweet dessert from the plate.
He waited until they were both finished with eating and lingered over their tea. Even though there were no windows in the dungeons, it felt like it was late, making the atmosphere down here drowsy and mellow. Always a good time to a conversation.
"Talk to me." It wasn't exactly the same sentence Snape had used so often in the past. Then it had been a curt command. This was more of a question; a soft encouragement.
Harry sighed. "When I was at St. Mungo's... I didn't go to see Charlie, because I thought they wouldn't want me to be there. And I was right. Ron..." He swallowed, feeling his throat tighten. This was not the time for tears. He didn't want to make everything to be about his problems, Snape didn’t need to suffer through this.
It was strange, how that look on Harry's face made Snape tense. He felt a surge of anger course through him; an irrational emotion that paled his earlier protectiveness. Deciding to wait until Harry continued, he sipped from his cup.
"Ron talked with me, and I think we're all right." Harry's eyes shone with both joy and unshed tears. He hadn't allowed himself to even think about their friendship before seeing Ron again, knowing that if he started to doubt that, he'd go insane.
Not even Snape's presence could soften some blows.
"He'll be staying with his family, I think." They hadn't really got to talk about that. "At least until the funeral. It's this weekend." He added quietly, "It's just for the Weasleys."
Snape picked out the word 'family' immediately, understanding why Harry was so sad again. He didn't know whom to curse; the redheads who had seemed to offer something unconditional to this young man only to yank it away when he most needed it or the Dark Lord. Neither would change anything, but it would make him feel slightly better. "I see."
"Yeah." Harry didn’t really need Snape to say anything more. They both knew what he meant. "I know it’s not..." he hesitated for a moment and then said it anyway, not certain he really believed in it. "I know it wasn’t my doing, but I still... feel responsible. And I don’t blame them if they think that it was my fault. I think that on some level it sort of was. At least things would be different now if I'd been here."
He hated this feeling of uncertainty. Thinking that he might have been able to do something didn’t make this any easier, but he couldn’t help himself.
"You're absolutely right," Snape said, nodding. His gaze was burning with intensity. "Things would be different if you hadn't followed young Malfoy and me to the cottage."
It was true on many accounts, including this ridiculous predicament he found himself in. Without those long weeks spent together, he would not have Harry Potter in his bed.
Harry stared into Snape's eyes, trembling slightly. He knew this already, knew what he was about to say. It was still hard to accept, especially since no-one else would likely see it this way. "They would all still be dead, wouldn't they?"
"Yes. The difference is that you would be too. Or at least you'd be in the hands of the Dark Lord. The Order would destroy itself trying to save you, and then the whole wizarding world would be lost."
The whole situation was totally unfair to everyone, mostly to Harry. Nothing could change it anymore, so they would simply have to deal with what they had.
Putting down his cup before his trembling hands made him spill some of the tea on his lap, Harry took a better position on the couch, needing a moment to think about this. Somehow hearing the words out loud or saying them always made everything real. It was like a revealing charm from which no dark thought could really hide.
There were so many things he didn’t want to think about right now, but there were also things that made him feel better. Not only Sirius and Remus, but being able to stay here for a bit longer as well. He had dreaded that, to be forced to move out now, to be alone with his thoughts.
Dumbledore’s words about finishing his schoolyear had been a relief, but the move was still waiting in the not so far future.
Harry looked up, his gaze tired. "Dumbledore said there's a house waiting for me in Hogsmeade."
It was news to Snape, but hardly a surprise. "Did he say when you're supposed to move in?" A whole house for one man? There had better be good wards around it or maybe a guard or two.
Snape wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea, even though it would bring him back his beloved solitude. Having Harry spend his time alone in the Gryffindor tower had been unacceptable. The thought of him staying alone in a house in Hogsmeade was equally disturbing.
"Not really. I'll stay here at least for as long as it takes me to get through the exams." That wouldn't take long. Harry wasn't really interested in his grades; all he wanted was to pass. "Dumbledore said something about Order meetings as well, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see."
He wasn't in any hurry to go through that again, glad there hadn't been a crowd waiting for him when he'd come back. Sooner or later he would be required to attend a meeting, but he'd rather it was later. There were already so many things he had to concentrate on, he couldn't really deal with anything else right now.
"Will that mean you'll be staying here in my quarters until you move to Hogsmeade?" It was not an invitation or a real offer, but it wasn't a serious question either. Snape knew exactly what Harry would say to that.
Glad he didn't have to ask for it -- or beg -- Harry smiled. "Yes."
He knew it was simply about living arrangements. Nothing in Snape's demeanor had hinted that he'd be willing to allow anything more, and right now, Harry didn't have the energy to fight with him. This was what he needed, and it was more than enough to sleep next to Snape.
Letting out a muffled snort, Snape refused to even comment on the silly expression. He didn't say anything about the way Harry once again leaned closer to him a moment later either.
