![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - ?
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Three: -Does being a good guy mean you also have to be a nice guy? Draco is about to find out. Companionable silences and fist fights are a good way to hide deeper emotions.
Warning: This part contains mild violence, explicit sex between men, confusion about sex (not non-con really!) and as you can guess, angst.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
There had been talk about the laundry again.
Harry for one didn't mind the work. He didn't mind using rudimentary cleaning charms on the clothes either, but he knew he couldn't spend his every waking moment latched onto Snape.
So he would consider working tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. His robes weren't that disgusting yet; the charms would be enough.
Leaning back on the chair, he raised his cup to his lips. It was definitely relaxing to linger with the tea after lunch. Especially now that Malfoy was already upstairs and Ron was slowly collecting the dishes.
He tried to think of how to spend the rest of the day. So many possibilities, some even not including Snape. The weather outside was glorious, the unbelievably chilly spring turning into the warmth of the upcoming summer seemingly overnight. He could go for a walk with Ron, or maybe even go bathing with him. They could deal with the laundry as well if they went to the stream.
Of course he could also ask Snape if he needed to go and gather some potions ingredients.
Smiling, he drained the last of his tea. That sounded excellent, but maybe it was best if he didn't tempt fate just yet. He didn't want to be too obvious, didn't want to push too hard.
Things were so well between them right now. Like nothing had changed, except for that one thing. He couldn't find anything wrong with that, didn't want things to get complicated.
The kitchen door slammed shut behind Ron. Harry startled a little at the almost angry sound. Yes, he'd definitely better spend the day with his friend.
"I assume you will find some entertainment for the afternoon." Pouring himself another cup of tea, Snape glanced at Harry. It was almost as if he'd read his mind. He saw the questioning look and added, "I need to actually work on something."
Harry smiled. That meant that sooner or later the whole cottage would smell like herbs again. He liked it. "I can think of something to do." Maybe that walk or a bath with Ron. Then he would go to watch Snape brew stuff. He knew he wouldn't be allowed to help with the potion, but he liked watching Snape work anyway.
"Good." Not that Snape was complaining about Harry disturbing his privacy. This far, it was nothing he couldn't deal with.
He pushed back his chair and got up, already thinking about his work. He'd better get moving if he wanted something done before being interrupted.
The touch came without being planned. Just a slight brush of Harry's hand against Snape's back. It was such a familiar gesture Snape didn't even have the urge to cringe away from it. He'd already come to anticipate such foolishly affectionate and yet harmless gestures from Harry.
He glanced at Harry, who was twisted around in his chair, still holding out his hand. "Yes?"
"Nothing really," Harry said. He just couldn't keep his hands off Snape all the time. Sitting next to him at lunch, not able to touch had been difficult enough. "Just a thing." He made a little dismissive gesture.
"Why am I not surprised?" Not bothering to even glower, Snape took his cup and walked out of the dining area.
He had a lot of work to do, and knew that later on, Harry would probably sneak into his room again. It didn't exactly bother him, but he wanted to finish with the potion before spending the rest of the afternoon in bed.
Harry smiled softly, glad that Snape couldn't see his expression. He'd thought his gesture would at least earn him a glare, probably even scalding words. There had been none, as if Snape had got used to him being so close to him.
He turned around, still smiling, and reached out to his plate, only to freeze as his gaze met with a shocked blue one. "Ron?" He hadn't realized his friend had come back for more dishes.
Ron couldn't say anything. He opened and closed his mouth, but words refused to come out. The only sound escaping was a choked wheeze.
"What is it?" Harry had never seen him like this, like he was having a fit. "Ron? Are you all right?"
Wheezing a bit more, Ron waved his hand as if to brush such concern away. He was grasping a hold on the doorframe, unable to stop the spluttering for a moment. Then he managed to choke out, "Snape!"
Harry glanced over his shoulder to look at the door. No sign of Snape there. "What?" He had no idea of what Ron was talking about.
"You touched Snape! Like... Touched him." Ron waved his free hand in the air. He realized he sounded silly, but his brains were totally frozen.
"What? Oh. I..." Feeling heat rise to his face, Harry nodded. He'd thought no one would see. "Yeah, I did."
Ron was still trying to understand what he'd just seen. His best friend touching -- touching!! -- Snape's back, like it was the most natural thing to do, then smiling at him. Snape walking out without saying a thing or even glaring.
He had to pinch himself. Maybe this was a dream. If he was lucky, he'd actually fallen asleep in the Divinations class, and all this was just a incense induced nightmare. Remembering the tales his mother had told him when he was just a child, he wondered if he'd stepped through a magical portal or a mirror. Anything to explain what he'd just seen.
Grimacing with pain, he stared at Harry who was standing there, looking a bit embarrassed, a lot like he was panicking as well, and most of all...
"Oh no. No no no!" Eyes impossible wide, Ron stared at his blushing friend. This was insane. He should try to contact Dumbledore, so that they could get Harry to St. Mungo's as soon as possible. They had a good mental ward there. "Don't tell me you're..." He couldn't think of a word, choking at the one that tried to escape. "For Snape of all people!"
Harry had never let himself to say it, not even quietly to himself. Now, it was the easiest thing in the world to nod. "Yeah."
It was crazy! "You mean the guy you talked about is Snape? The hot nice guy? Are you out of your mind?" Maybe Harry had hit his head. Or maybe he was dreaming. He had to be! Ron pinched himself again, harder this time and winced a moment later. Oh Merlin! Why couldn't it be a dream?
"He's not a nice guy. But yes. I was talking about Snape. I like him." Harry was almost amazed of how many meanings that simple word held.
Ron was starting to feel an upcoming headache. This had to be a joke. But the look in Harry's eyes made it clear he was serious. "But it's Snape! He's so ugly!" There was a flash of something in the green eyes that made him grimace. Realizing it was real anger, he added, "And not just on the outside." Even though it was bad enough. "That git is ugly on the inside as well." Sarcastic and nasty and evil!
"I know." It was a crude way to put it, but Harry agreed. There was darkness inside Snape, but it was something he could understand; the anger, the pain, the regrets. The knowledge of horrible things he'd witnessed and done. All of it. "He's ugly like me." He thought for a moment before adding, "And Sirius. Dumbledore." Remembering the haunted look in amber eyes, he went on, "And Remus Lupin. Professor McGonagall. All of us."
All who had fought and killed and battled with darkness, inside and outside.
That did not convince Ron. He didn't care what Snape had been through, this had nothing to do with that. This was about Harry fancying Snape, touching Snape.
He let out another strangled wheeze as he realized just exactly what he'd witnessed a moment ago. Not only Harry touching Snape, but Snape allowing it. When the hell had that happened? Snape letting Harry do that? Was the whole world going completely insane?
Harry had a thing for Snape. That was bad. Really bad. Mental bad. But this was worse. So much worse he couldn't even think about it first. When the thought hit him, he groaned, "Oh fuck, Harry! Please tell me you aren't..." Completely loony. Stark raving mad.
Knowing perfectly well what Ron was thinking, Harry felt the heat on his face worsen. It made him roll his eyes, but it didn't stop him from blushing.
He hadn't thought of what to do when someone found out. Somehow he'd been so wrapped up inside his own private world with Snape that he'd completely pushed away the fact that sooner or later Ron would notice. It had been a vague idea that maybe someday someone might notice, and after that, he'd chosen to ignore the whole thing.
He had no idea of how to deal with this.
"Oh. My. Sweet. Merlin." Gasping the words out, Ron flailed with his arms. "You are! You.... Oh my...." The rest was horrified splutter.
Harry sat there in silence, watching as Ron processed the whole thing. He didn't think there was anything he could say or do to make this any easier to either of them.
"You... ew... you... Merlin, that's nasty! You..." Almost hyperventilating, Ron tried to grasp his thoughts and cram them somewhere he could never find them again. All the disgusting images just couldn't be true! Harry wasn't! Couldn't! Didn't!
He'd know if something like that was happening. He wasn't blind. Of course he'd seen the way Harry was deluding himself with Snape's humanity, but it hadn't seemed to be more than that. It couldn't be.
"Are you saying." Ron had to pause for a moment before he could continue. "That you have a... something on Snape, and you actually told him." He closed his eyes. Please, Harry say no!
"Yes. I fancy Snape and I told him about it some time ago."
Ron's eyes snapped open at the calm sound of Harry's voice. He couldn't believe it! "You fancy Snape!" Yes. Harry was insane. Sirius would be devastated, but he could always go and see him at St. Mungo's. "Are you..." He was about to say 'insane', but silenced as he saw the determined nod. "Huh?"
Keeping a firm grip on his panic, Harry said, "Yes. I am. Er... We are. You know?" He wanted to say it was none of Ron's business, but that would have been just half the truth. In a way it wasn't. But he didn't want to lie to his friend. Didn't want to keep this part of his life a dirty little secret, because there were already too many of those.
Ron was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out just exactly what he meant by that. Did he mean he really liked Snape? He'd told him? What was he, suicidal? And why hadn't Snape hexed him by now?
But he was allowing Harry in his room. Sometimes even said non nasty things to him. Didn't turn him into a newt when he talked back or touched him.
His voice was tight as he asked, "You're not saying that you're..." He could see the answer in Harry's eyes. "You are. Oh my sweet Merlin!"
Harry wondered if he'd find this amusing later on. His mind was surprisingly clear. Probably because he was used to being panicked like this. "Ron? Do you need to sit down?" How strange that his voice wasn't trembling.
"Yeah. I'd better..." Yanking a chair closer to him, Ron sat heavily down. He did feel a bit woozy. It was definitely best to sit down.
He sat there, watching Harry. Staring at him, while his mind was racing. Finally he let out an explosive exhale. "Okay. I need to... You fancy Snape? And you told him? And... what? You two are now shagging or something?" He intended the last bit as a joke. A really weird and pervy joke that would make everything all right again.
He even managed a forced grin on his lips.
"Yes, I fancy Snape and yes, I told him." Harry shrugged. "And if you really need the details, then yes, we're shagging now. Definitely."
Ron stared. It was a joke! Ha ha! Yes it was! It had to be. He could see the slightly worried look in Harry's eyes, recognizing it even behind all the determination. "You're not kidding."
"No."
Instead of ranting, Ron sat there, his mouth slightly open. He could tell Harry was telling the truth.
His mind was racing, going through moments from the past few weeks; remembering how Harry had been sort of happy, then sort of sad. Then sort of happy again. The joy after passing the Potions exam.
It went farther than that, to their first weeks here. Harry talking with Snape, going bathing with him, staying in his room at weird hours. Ron had wondered what those two could possibly do together. At least now he didn't have to wonder anymore.
"You're shagging Snape?" Ron whispered. It was too preposterous to say out loud, as if that would make it more real. "Really?"
Harry nodded. "Really." He'd thought explaining to Ron about his lies and silence had been hard. This was harder.
There was a humming sound in Ron's head, as if his brain was working overtime trying not to deal with the fact that his best friend was saying that he was shagging with professor Snape.
"You're shagging Snape." This time it was not a question. Ron simply had to say it out loud. He flinched as he saw the nod. "Okay. I'm...." He wasn't going to say he was going to sit down, since he was already sitting. Maybe he should go to the kitchen and find out if Eppy had any whiskey hidden somewhere.
Waiting patiently, Harry sat there, trying not to show his anxiety, trying very hard not to laugh. It was amazing how he could still see the humor in this, even though any laughter would probably be at least a bit hysterical.
Ron cleared his throat. "You... You do understand it's Snape we're talking about?" He saw yet another nod. "And you think he's.... sexy?" Why couldn't Harry shake his head at that? "Okay. Okay. You're insane."
"Probably." It wasn't as if Harry hadn't thought about that. Anyone willing to face the expectations people had about him was definitely insane, or at least masochistic. He smiled slightly.
The smile made Ron almost crumple. "You really are shagging Snape." It was just a whisper. He didn't even need any answer to that. "I'm... I don't know what to say."
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything." Harry didn't need to talk about it, didn't need any justification or Ron's blessing.
That was good, since Ron couldn't think of anything. He was not about to repeat any of the gawking. His best friend in the whole world had just said he was doing the wild thing with Snape, and there was nothing he could really say to that.
"Let's just sit here for a moment, okay?" He wanted to make sure Harry wasn't going to run again. They didn't need to talk about this -- he didn't want any details, Merlin, he didn't want to think about it -- but he wanted to be here with Harry.
Ron didn't think he could even stand up right now, not to mention finishing the chores. His nerveless fingers wouldn't be able to hold the plates.
There were dozens of questions popping up in his mind. How long had this been going on? Who had started it? Was Harry really serious? Did he really fancy Snape? Why the hell would anyone fancy Snape? He tried his best to keep his mind blank, for once failing.
He sat in silence, staring at Harry, watching him smile wryly. It was weird. Insane. Completely mad.
At least the humming sound was now gone, as was the sudden dizziness that had attacked him earlier. The silence felt real suddenly, and not a part of some twisted fantasy.
He wondered if he should try to say something, anything. Or at least force a smile on his lips. He tried to curl his lips slightly, but it didn't come out as a smile. Seeing the hurt in Harry's eyes, he dropped the attempt and just sat there.
Staring.
It had to be a mistake. A joke. Ron's brain focused on denial. It was so much easier than to actually believe what Harry had just said. It couldn't be real. It just couldn't be!
The footsteps nearing made Ron jolt with relief. It would be Malfoy. Having Malfoy here was good. He could glare at him, probably even say something snide to him. Anything was better than this awful silence.
Being so happy to see Malfoy should be almost as insane as what he'd just been told. He pushed the thought away. He was not going to think about Harry and Snape again.
The door opened slowly. Ron's expression fell as he saw the dark figure step in.
Not Malfoy. Why couldn't it be Malfoy?
Looking a bit absentminded, as if he was lost in thoughts, Snape stepped into the small dining area, his cup in hand. He let the door bang shut behind him, the flick of his wrist instinctive by now.
The loud sound made Ron jolt. He could only stare at Snape with a horrified expression on his face.
Snape glared. "I thought you were going to wash the dishes, Mr. Weasley." He wondered what this was all about but didn't ask.
He walked to the table, grabbing the teapot that was still there and poured himself another cup of tea. Finishing with his task, he looked at the two Gryffindors again. There was something wrong in the silence and the way Harry seemed to be avoiding his gaze.
"I..." Fearing he was going to splutter again, Ron bit his lip and glanced at Harry. He had no idea what to say. All he could think of was that Harry was shagging Snape and that it was definitely a disgusting mental image.
Harry knew he had to tell Snape what they had talked about. The shock so evident on Ron's face indicated he'd blurt out something sooner or later. He took a deep breath. "Snape?" His voice was quiet. "Ron and I had a talk about what's been going on lately. Between you and me."
He didn't elaborate. It was painfully obvious what he was talking about anyway.
"I see." Snape had known this would happen sooner or later. Even Weasley wasn't blind enough not to notice Harry's silly smiles or the way he spent hours in his room.
Maybe this was a good thing. Weasley would undoubtedly try to talk Harry out of it. Peer pressure might even work, and he'd stop this foolishness. Then again it was probable that Harry would simply shrug off whatever arguments Weasley had. He was the most stubborn young man Snape knew.
Deciding that he wanted nothing to do with this Gryffindor scene, he nodded. "Try to deal with it quietly. I won't condone any emotional outbursts about this matter." He was certain there would be one, but he'd let Harry deal with that. "And make sure that the dishes are done before Eppy starts preparing the dinner." With that, he walked out of the dining room.
Ron's mouth was open. He could only stare at the doorway.
It wasn't a joke, and Merlin he'd already began to believe it and now there was no way he could. "You..."
"I swear, Ron, if you say 'you're shagging Snape' one more time, I'm going to strangle you."
That made Ron smile despite himself. He shook his head. "No, no. I was going to say that you sure weren't kidding when you said he's not a nice guy."
All Gryffindors already knew that -- boy did they know that! -- but it was still weird to think of him being an evil and nasty person and think about the fact that Harry was...
Ron couldn't really imagine what it would be like to shag Snape, and he was very glad of it. "Is he..." No, he didn't want to know. But he kind of had to ask. "Is he like that in bed? Evil and nasty?"
He knew how quiet Harry could sometimes be, withdrawn and melancholy, obviously feeling the responsibility over the war and everything. Was this because of that? Remembering the look on his face when they'd talked about killing, he wondered if this was a way Harry was punishing himself.
It would fit in with what he knew about Slytherins; taking advantage of others and doing strange things for some twisted and sinister agenda. Always scheming.
"No. He isn't. He's just..." Harry waved his hand vaguely. He didn't think Snape would like him to tell Ron about this.
"He isn't hurting you or anything?" The Slytherin dungeons had always made Ron think about chains and whips and those images were now haunting him.
Harry had to smile at that. "No. It's nothing like that, Ron." He wondered what Ron would say if he told him he'd never enjoyed sex this much before and that Snape's touch was actually gentle if compared to the frantic fumbling he was used to. "He's definitely not hurting me."
There was way too much information in Harry's smug expression. Ron grimaced, but didn't comment. He'd definitely have to think about this before saying anything else.
Knowing that the silence would become suffocating any moment now, Harry got up. "You want me to help you with the dishes?" He didn't think Ron could handle being left alone right now. His expression was still completely shocked.
"Sure," Ron said, shrugging. It would be good to share the chores with Harry. At least then he'd know where he was. Not that he was going to think of where he could go and what he would do there.
No. He was not going to think about anything.
Somehow the two of them managed to finish with the dishes without breaking anything.
The afternoon was once again filled with awkward silence and even more awkward attempts to talk about irrelevant things. After only one game, Harry gave up on chess and curled on the couch with a book instead. He had no idea what the story was about, his gaze unfocused.
He wondered if this would go on for long. Probably yes. He just couldn't understand why it was so hard for Ron to deal with this. It wasn't as if he was doing something completely stupid.
Being with Snape was nice and peaceful, something that didn't make him feel uncomfortable or anxious. He didn't want to explain it to Ron. Why wasn't it enough to just say this was what he wanted?
Swallowing hard, he pushed the thoughts away. He didn't want to resent Ron for being shocked. If he were in Ron's place, he'd probably be just as shocked himself, but it was hard to remember that right now.
The day crawled on slower than ever. It felt like an eternity before Eppy announced dinner.
Ron kept staring at Snape throughout the dinner. He couldn't concentrate on his food, too busy trying to figure out just exactly what did Harry see in him.
Greasy hair. Yes, it was still as greasy as always. Face as pale as always. Eyes black with no soft emotions whatsoever. Snape was definitely the disgusting creepy professor they'd learned to hate; eating in silence, holding his fork and knife with ink stained fingers.
That made Ron shiver with disgust. How could Harry let him touch him with those hands? He had to be some kind of a masochist. He wouldn't go near Snape even if someone promised him all the Galleons in Gringotts.
It made him ill.
Keeping his expression calm, Snape took a bite from his sandwich. He ignored the way Weasley kept staring at him. The disgust so evident on the boy's face was familiar to him. It was no secret that people didn't like him.
He was fine with that. He didn't like people either.
He didn't care what Weasley thought. As long as he didn't make a scene, he could think whatever he wished.
If he disturbed his peace and quiet, there would be hell to pay. Snape was willing to allow Harry to invade his privacy, but he was not about to make it a habit with others. Certainly not Weasley or any other Gryffindor.
The silence in the room didn't bother him. At least Weasley knew how to keep his mouth shut; something he had been willing to call an impossibility a while back.
"Pass me the juice, please." Accepting the pitcher from Malfoy, Harry poured himself a glass and then concentrated on his food again. He didn't want to watch the silent drama going on around him; Ron looking all dazed and disgusted as he stared at Snape and Malfoy curbing his smirk, probably because he knew it would not please the Head of his House to see him enjoy himself so much at his expense.
The very knowing expression didn't surprise Harry at all. Malfoy could see what happened before him. His whole life as a Slytherin had probably been about watching others, playing with their secrets.
At least this wasn't something he could use as a game; Harry was pretty sure about that. It seemed Malfoy had some respect towards Snape, and he would never cross certain lines.
Harry had to wonder what Snape was thinking about all this. It was impossible to tell. He looked exactly the way he always did.
Seeing Ron make a disgusted moue made him want to kick his friend. So maybe Snape didn't care if Ron was freaking out, but he did. At least Ron could try to hide it better.
Maybe he would when the first shock faded away. In a week or two.
For the first time during their stay here, Ron volunteered to wash the dishes, rushing to the kitchen with an astonishing speed. Harry was relieved. He didn't think there was anything he and Ron could really talk about right now.
He waited for Malfoy to finish his tea and then take his stupid grin with him and leave. Leaving Malfoy here while Ron was still so stunned would not be a good idea.
There wouldn't be a comfortable silence in the living room tonight.
"Can I have a few words with you?" His voice quiet, Harry looked at Snape. He was pretty sure there would be a nod, but actually seeing that nod made him feel boneless.
He followed Snape to his room, not saying anything. There was nothing he could really say.
As strange as his new relationship with Snape had felt at times, it was suddenly even stranger. It had been easy to come to terms with what they were doing, when it had been just between them. Harry couldn't help wondering how others would label this and what Ron and Malfoy would undoubtedly be thinking.
Not that it would change anything. He couldn't live up to everyone's expectations anyway.
He just hoped this wouldn't make Snape turn away from him. It wouldn't be easy to ignore Ron's stares and the silent accusations.
They had talked about sex and Snape did seem to agree to the things that could well raise this above simple shagging. But it didn't mean this was easy. Didn't mean that Snape would be even close to comfortable about having someone he undoubtedly called a complete moron gawk at him and speculate about his private life.
He didn't know how Snape had dealt with relationships before. Wasn't stupid enough to ask either.
Staring into that strangely tired black gaze, Harry realized he didn't really know anything about Snape's past. All he knew was that he'd been a Death Eater once, doing some pretty disgusting things before turning his back on all that darkness and going to Albus Dumbledore for help.
There were things he'd figured out long ago. Snape's need for control over things hinted that there had been a time when he'd been completely helpless. A part of his sarcasm and obvious distaste had always been aimed at himself, even if it had taken Harry a long time to see that.
Then there were the scars. As always, the thought made his arm twitch, as if his body wanted him to brush fingers over the lightning bolt mark on his forehead. He resisted the urge. Yes, he was scarred, but Snape was even more so, and not only with his Dark Mark or the strange web of thin scars on his back.
Harry wondered if he would ever let anyone really close. It would probably take a miracle. He refused to think about it now, finding the thought uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry about Ron's behavior." He knew his friend would never apologize, but it felt right that he did. "He's just shocked."
Snape's expression didn't waver. "I don't care about Mr. Weasley's opinions as long as he keeps them to himself." A part of him was actually enjoying this, especially the horrified shock he'd seen on the young man earlier.
It wasn't as good as the panic over his Potions exam, but it was still very amusing.
"I never thought he'd find out about this," Harry muttered. It had taken Ron such a long time to figure out that there was something weird in what he was doing. He'd never seen the times he'd been working on secret Order business and therefore Harry had simply thought this would go unnoticed as well.
Snape stared at him, and then, very slowly, his lips curled up. The smile was laden with sarcasm, but it was indeed an amused expression. "You honestly thought he wouldn't notice? You've spent the last three days acting like you've just discovered sex, grinning like an idiot. Any blind Hufflepuff would notice, Potter."
It made Harry blush. He hadn't thought he was that bad. "Really?" Not even trying to cover his embarrassment, he looked at Snape, flabbergasted by both his words and his expression.
"Really." Snape nodded.
There were dozens of things Harry could say, but he settled for a small smile. Stepping closer to Snape, he wrapped his arms around him. It was easier than ever, especially when the strong arms came around him a moment later.
He planted a kiss on Snape's lips. It was supposed to be just a chaste goodnight kiss, but somehow it got out of hand. Tracing Snape's lower lip with his tongue, he had to fight against the urge to stay here for a few hours after all.
"I should go." Harry forced himself to let go of Snape. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night." As calm as ever, Snape opened the door for him, and then watched him walk out of his room.
