(no subject)

[sua_lay]

Damn the_reda for talking about grapes! I had to go out and buy some too!

*munch munch*

Have now read about a hundred Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon fics (or started them anyway) and have made startling observations about:

The Jedi

- are supposed to be wise and serene, but are in fact petty, jealous and the part of the Code that says 'there is no passion' is a lie
- have lots of weird customs, like the first time ritual between Masters and their Padawans (nice mental image with Yoda and his Padawans, eh?), the Jedi only BDSM clubs and going on missions where your Padawan will be utterly humiliated or in mortal danger
- have a magical Healing Jedi Dick that cures everything from the flu to the aftermath of rape
- always have sex with everyone except Yoda (woe! I would pay for good Yoda/Mace --Windu, not the cute blond one)

The Council

- is a bunch of old pervs
- do nothing but argue
- oppose the True Love of a certain Master and his Padawan
- play matchmaker to a certain Master and his Padawan
- hide listening devices and webcams so they can spy the consummation of the True love between a certain Master and his Padawan
- consists of Yoda, Mace, Depa Billapa and Ki Adi Mundi. All the others are just for show.

Qui-Gon Jinn

- loved Xanatos very much but never told him, thusly driving him to the Dark
- loved Xanatos very much and told him and thusly drove him to the Dark
- had wild sex with Xanatos, thusly and so on
- has been wanting Obi-Wan since he was three (yuck!)
- has a huge penis (well, if played by Liam Neeson... :D)
- has had sex with everyone expect Yoda
- is a virgin
- likes to dominate his partner
- wants to submit
- spends all those hours he's supposed to meditate on serious Jedi Master things either spying on Obi-Wan, thinking about how much he loves Obi-Wan or masturbating while fantasizing about Obi-Wan
- doesn't object to having sex in very public places
- has no problem with crying like a baby over the thought that Obi-Wan doesn't love him
- likes to be called 'lion'

Obi-Wan Kenobi

- was tormented/raped/abused in the Creche
- was tormented/raped/abused in the Academy
- was tormented/raped/abused on the transport to Bandomeer
- was tormented/raped/abused by Bruck, Xanatos and most of the Jedi Masters (with the exception of Yoda)
- was tormented/raped/abused on a mission to a far away planet by most of the planet's inhabitats
- was tormented/raped/abused by the Evil BadGuy and then bathed and coddled by Qui-Gon
- was tormented/raped/abused by Qui-Gon while he was under the influence of a mind whammy/aphrodosiac/non corporeal alien entity, followed by the magical Healing Jedi Dick appearing and curing him (said dick is usually attached to his Master of course)
- is a pure and innocent thing, almost angel-like!
- is a total slut!
- is always extremely good with katas and stuff but has problems with mental discipline
- always uses the name 'Ben' on a secret mission and/or when he's wearing a mask to hide from his master. Fortunately no one uses it as a lovey dovey nickname


I'm finding this outlet for annoyance and sarcasm extremely enjoyable. At least won't kick cats or other innocent creatures. Will probably whine more about these fics later on, and there'll be that list of anti-recs and recs coming out when I've finished with my project!

*eats more grapes*