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sua_layAuthor: Rimau Sua Lay
Rating: overall NC-17, Angst, Drama, Action/Adventure, First Time
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairings: Harry/Snape, Ron/Draco, (Sirius/Remus)
Date: December 2002 - May 2007
Disclaimers: Not mine, borrowed without permission, am not making any money. Please don't sue. Sherbet Lemon?
Summary for Book Five: - It's time to try to save the world. Fools and idiots may be the wizards' only hope. Revenge does indeed taste strange. Kinda furry.
Warning: This part contains deaths, gore, total stupidity, explicit sex between men, disturbing themes and angst.
The earlier parts of the fic can be found here.
Harry shivered as he stepped into the familiar rooms in the dungeons, the temperature lower in here than it had been in the hallway. It almost made him groan as he felt the coldness hit him like a wave, realizing it wasn't physical.
He'd spent most of the morning grinning like a loon, just counting the hours to lunch so that he could go to see Snape, planning on a few clever remarks on hugging and then just crawling under Snape's robes and not letting go.
It had been such a great plan but he could already see that he wasn't going to be able to follow it after all.
What the hell had happened this time?
He didn't have to wonder long. Snape was pacing back and forth, looking about as friendly as an enraged dragon, only casting a disgusted glare at Harry and resuming the pacing without words.
So it was anger instead of pain and fear and Harry sighed with relief as he went to sit on the couch.
This was so much easier to deal with.
When he realized that Snape was simply going to walk around looking menacing, he cleared his throat. "What happened?" No need to start with pleasantries.
Snape stopped with his back turned at him, hands squeezed into fists. Then he turned around, his expression revealing nothing. "Albus... suggested that I should move out of Hogwarts." He sounded hollow.
"What?" Harry blurted out. He was on his feet before he could even think. "Albus is kicking you out?"
His thoughtless comment earned him a glare. "Yes."
Harry could only stare. Of course Snape's words made sense; Dumbledore had to think about the school and the students who would be arriving shortly. With all the Slytherins and others from proud pureblood families, Snape would be in danger. "So he really thinks people will send their children here this year?"
It was an appalling thought. They really were at war, and if there were any fights near Hogsmeade, everyone would be in danger, not just those who actually willingly took part in the battles. Even with exactly a month to the beginning of the school year, things would not change enough to make the place completely safe.
Not even if everything worked out as planned.
"I have no idea." It wasn't as if Snape had stayed there for a long discussion after Albus had asked him to find another place to stay. The message had been clear; he wasn't needed here anymore, so he had to leave. Kicked out of the place he'd called home for almost two decades like all those years meant nothing.
Going into hiding to save teenagers had been completely different. Draco Malfoy had been his responsibility and he'd done his duty as always. This was not a temporary plan, this was permanent.
Harry thought for a moment before asking, "What are you going to do?" He had no idea what he would do if he was in the same situation; he'd probably walk away from the world that had never wanted him in the first place.
"I will move into Hogsmeade." Stating it out as if it was ridiculously obvious, Snape didn't bother to even think about the question of housing yet. With all the people moving into the village, there would be no appropriate place for him to stay, no rooms big enough for a small personal corner and an adequate space for brewing.
The thought was worse than anything. He wasn't useful as a spy and if he couldn't work with his potions either, he was indeed completely useless.
Dumbledore's casual dismissal smarted more than anything, even with the sympathy shining in the old wizard's eyes as he had told him it was time to leave.
"Okay." Harry nodded. "It's not fair, but I do understand his point. If you stay..."
"There will be open fighting inside the castle. Yes, Potter, I know that." The anger bubbling inside Snape was focused on Harry for just a brief moment before the man turned his gaze away.
Understanding all too well just how mad Snape had to be, Harry didn't let the furious glare touch him. They both knew what it would be like if pureblood children were forced to take sides against their muggleborn housemates, and preventing that would be hard work. With someone like Snape there, acting as the Head of Slytherin... It would be impossible.
"Yeah. So... Hogsmeade? Good. We need you there." It came out quietly but firmly. "You're the best Potions master I know, and you also know the enemy; the Order needs you now more than the school does."
Harry wanted to add that he needed Snape, but didn't think that would count as a valid argument right now.
"Please! I'm the only Potions master you know." Exasperated, Snape turned at Harry again. The idiot was unbelievably bad with these assurances, even though they didn't sound exactly patronizing.
"That doesn't change the fact that you're more needed with the Order than you are here."
Snape wanted to argue that if only out of principle. He knew that they needed his work, but it didn't change the situation. He was going to have to leave this place, and he hated it. Hated changing the solid walls into a flimsy apartment or a room over the Three Broomsticks.
This was his home, his sanctuary. No one would bother him here and there was blessed silence surrounding him. He didn't want to be forced to meet with idiots all the time. He could have dealt it if there were only Order members living in Hogsmeade, but with multitudes of Aurors everywhere, life would undoubtedly be hell.
Nothing new there, Snape shrugged. He had survived worse.
The small gesture was a reluctant agreement, elegant in its simplicity. Inside, Snape was already considering the worst. Maybe he would find himself living next door to his former students. Merlin forbid it was someone like Longbottom.
"Do you have a place to stay yet?" Harry didn't dare to give voice to the hope building inside. "In Hogsmeade, I mean. Or are you going somewhere else?" He hadn't even thought of Snape owning a place somewhere else.
He blinked at that. An ancestral home of the Snape family? Could there be a place like that? Or maybe even an actual family waiting somewhere?
Snape stared at him as if he could read his every thought. "There is no place I could go. The Snape House was destroyed decades ago in one of the more foolish Muggle wars. This is... was my only home."
He managed to even say it matter of factly, as if he didn't care one way or the other.
"That's not true." It slipped away instantly. Harry didn't even have to think about what he was going to say. Actually, there was no way he could keep it unsaid. "You have a home with me."
This time Snape did glare. "Don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not. I have a house. You need a place to stay. I want to stay with you." Ticking the points off with his fingers, Harry tried to sound like he was actually arguing logically when all he was doing was grasping straws here.
Snape shook his head. "You already have the house full of people." He refused to comment the foolishness of Harry's other words. They were of no concern.
"I wouldn't say it's full of people. There's enough room for you, and I think we could set you a small potions laboratory in the basement." The more Harry thought of it, the better it sounded in his ears. "And you know there's no safer place to stay in Hogsmeade."
"No safer place for me to stay than in a house full of Gryffindors?" Snape couldn't believe he was actually arguing with Harry instead of telling him where to bury such a stupid idea. "Yes, that is very convincing, Potter. I can already see how comfortable it would be to share a house with your godfather."
Not letting the sneer discourage him, Harry shook his head. "He can live with it, and I have faith that you'll manage as well." He was quiet for a moment before adding, "You can't stay here anymore, and I don't think I can deal with you living alone anywhere else."
Snape had been expecting some kind of an emotional outburst, but the unnaturally calm words hit him worse than any childish tantrum. "I do not need your protection!" He was still feeling too raw to moderate his voice and it came out louder than he'd thought.
"That is not the point and you know it," Harry said.
If only the idiot would fight him. Then it would be so easy to yell and throw him out of his rooms. "No."
Harry looked straight into Snape's eyes. "I'm asking you. Please." There was actually a pleading note in his voice.
"Don't be such an idiot! Your emotional attachments are nothing but a distraction you can't afford right now." Why hadn't Dumbledore taught the youngsters that ages ago?
That wasn't exactly the response Harry had expected. Blinking, he tried to get the point and couldn't. "Explain."
"When you value something or someone like that, they become a burden. You will spend too much focus on keeping them close, making sure you don't lose them." Snape sounded like he was explaining it to a child. Or a simpleton.
Harry couldn't say anything for a moment. They were back to this? Then he blurted out, "You already know I value you. No matter where you live, I still do. And it will be a hell of a lot easier not to worry when we're living under the same roof." He could see how his words were not actually helping and added, "You need a place to stay. I have one."
"Oh yes. An extra room for me to live right next to your godfather's? A cellar for me to work on my potions?" There was something much darker than simple sarcasm in Snape's voice and he turned his back on Harry, as if incapable of even looking at him anymore.
"No. I mean, yes to the cellar, but I was thinking more about... I have this big bed where you could sleep too."
Snape turned around in a blur of swirling black cloth.
Meeting the shocked black gaze without flinching, Harry muttered, "I know, I'm an idiot." His lips quirked up slightly at the way Snape nodded instinctively to confirm that. "I'm asking you to move in with me."
"No."
Harry hadn't thought it would be that easy. "Please. I'm asking you as a member of the Order. Think about your safety. Move in with me."
"No." Snape's resolve wasn't that easy to break.
"I... Don't do this Snape. Don't force me to make it an order." Seeing the cold amusement at that, Harry shook his head. "Don't laugh about it. If it's the only way to make sure you'll be safe, I will order you to move in with me. You are a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and you know damn well what I am."
Every word cut him like a knife, slicing through something precious. He hated himself for his words, but he had to make Snape understand how much was at stake here.
Snape's face lost all its color, his eyes burning black. "You do that, and I will never again share your bed or anything else with you." His tone was lifeless. "I will not be manipulated or used."
There was an awful silence in the room, both Harry and Snape staring at each other as if afraid that any further words or gestures would shatter everything.
"If I order you... Then at least you will be safe." Harry couldn't tear his gaze away from Snape's. "But it won't be fair to you. And I'm not Voldemort. Or Dumbledore."
Snape closed his eyes, unwilling to show even the smallest hint of the relief Harry's words caused.
"But I will ask you again. And again. And then I'm probably going to whine and beg and plead until you either throw me out of here or give in. And you know that if you throw me out, I'll just make a big scene in the hallway."
Swallowing convulsively before he could say anything, Snape nodded. "I have no doubts in your ability to act like an emotional idiot. That will not be necessary."
Harry didn't want to read too much on that, but asked anyway, "Please, Snape. Could you at least consider it? You can call it anything you want, a favor, a thing, a logical arrangement. Just... Is there any chance you could stand living with me again?"
Snape said nothing for a long time; he simply stared at the brave fool. He couldn't understand how none of his arguments had reached their intended target or swayed Harry. No matter what he said, Harry Potter was not going to give up his foolish notions of friendship and things and emotional attachments.
"For how long?"
The quiet, simple question almost made Harry gag. He burned with the need to let out the suffocating scream of pure rage working its way up to his throat while he also wanted nothing more than to curse Albus Dumbledore for doing this to Snape.
He didn't care if his words sounded like an accusation. "I'm offering you a home. You can't be kicked out of your own home, Snape. Not if I have anything to say about it." He managed to smile a little. "I don't know any fancy pureblood vows, but you could probably teach me one. Or you can have it in writing; my home is your home."
"No." Snape saw how it made Harry flinch and added quickly, "That will not be necessary."
This was insane, the completely outrageous Gryffindor emotionalism clearly becoming contagious; a disease driving all logic away. Snape shouldn't trust anyone anymore, not now that the one person in the whole universe he would have died for had turned his back on him. But he believed in Harry's words without a doubt.
Foolish notions of forever and soft declarations.
"I must be out of my mind..." Shaking his head, he let go. "Yes, I do believe that there is a chance I might stand living with you again, Potter."
All his excuses were already torn to pieces; he didn't find solitude the same bliss it had been for years, he didn't hate sharing his life with someone else. There seemed to be no use in trying not to encourage Harry to harbor delusions about them, for Harry would probably continue being a complete idiot even without any sort of encouragement.
Harry let out a soft sound of utter happiness and walked over to Snape. Wrapping his arms around him, he held on, resting his head on Snape's shoulder.
The utter joy almost radiating from Harry made Snape almost flinch. How on earth could his acceptance make him this happy? It boggled the mind. The sex and the nights spent away from the madness their reality was now he could understand, but not something like this.
He refused to speculate on it and used the method he'd found most effective in a situation such as this; he simply held Harry close.
"You know... there's something people who share... things sometimes do after an argument." Harry's lips moved against Snape's throat, the words almost a mumble.
It wasn't that difficult to guess what he meant. "Yes, even I have heard of the concept of make up sex." Snape reveled in the way Harry didn't even try to play games. "Bedroom!"
"Okay."
Snape guided Harry across the room into the bedroom, pausing after every few steps to accept another kiss, or a soft caress. When Harry moved his hands to open his robes, he grabbed his hand, though. "No." Silencing any protests with a kiss, he pushed Harry onto the bed.
He was still burning inside; the remnants of the awful emptiness and rage just beneath the arousal, calling for him to rip off Harry's clothes and to just turn him on his belly and take him. This was still his home, and he was the master in his own bedroom; he should act accordingly.
Watching Harry sprawl on his bed, his mouth slightly open and green eyes staring at him under the mop of messy black hair, Snape stood there for a moment.
He could do anything he wanted.
With slow precision, he sank to his knees next to the bed. His hands moved to Harry's fly, and after a frantic scrambling towards the edge of the bed, Harry was right where he wanted him, his legs spread on either side of him.
"May I?" Hand still hovering over Harry's groin, Snape looked him in the eyes.
Harry let out a whimper. "You know you don't have to ask." He wanted anything Snape did. "Yeah. Go ahead."
Of course Snape knew by now that he didn't have to ask, but he liked the veneer of civility. He liked to have simple words to confirm the message given by gasps and groans and Harry squirming under his touch.
He unzipped Harry's trousers, not even bothering to pull them off. Pushing his shorts down so that he could reach better, he simply grabbed his prick, stroking it into full hardness. It didn't take much; it was clear Harry was already eager and ready for anything.
"Snape..." Harry groaned, leaning back on his elbows. He wanted to touch Snape, wanted to have him naked here with him, but something in the dark gaze told him not to reach out. This was something Snape wanted to do, and he was going to let him do anything.
Since it sounded like an encouragement, Snape tightened his grip, sliding his hand up and down Harry's prick in a steady rhythm. His other hand was braced on Harry's hip, palm flat against the soft cloth of his tailored trousers.
He was still fully clothed, and felt no need to strip or have Harry remove his clothes.
Smelling Harry's arousal so acutely close to his face, he bit his lip. The temptation to lean in and swallow him to the root was almost overwhelming, but something kept him where he was, his lips a mere wand's length from Harry's leaking prick.
"Oooh.... Yeah..." Eyes wide, Harry stared straight into Snape's eyes, taking in the look of intense concentration completely focused on his prick. "Snape..."
Snape let his gaze sweep over Harry; his flushed face, his chest heaving with every breath. He enjoyed the words so clearly escaping Harry, every exalted sound encouraging him to move his hand faster until Harry moved his hips up to his touch.
Simple pleasure. Right this moment, he wanted to give this to Harry and ignored the erection straining against his own trousers. He could wait.
He could see how Harry reached out for him, the movement a clear invitation to join him in bed. There was innocent selflessness in the gesture that made Snape shake his head. "No." He could hardly recognize his own voice as he said, "I want to do this."
There was something liberating about kneeling here, staring at Harry as he climbed towards completion, not being distracted by his own need. It was his own choice, as it had been his choice to offer his body to Harry for the first time in this room; intimate, private things he could share if he wanted to. And right now he did.
"Snape..."
The sound of his name called out in passion never ceased to thrill him.
"Snape!" This time Harry's groan was a warning. "If you don't move, I'm gonna... Oh damn it! Yes! Snape!"
Snape knew exactly what Harry meant and was pleased by such consideration. But he was not going to move no matter what would happen.
"I'm.... going to come... all over you..." Thrusting harder into Snape's grip, Harry sounded almost desperate as he ground out the words. "Snape..."
Nodding, Snape confirmed, "Yes, you are."
Those simple words made Harry tense, his shocked gaze burning into Snape's. Then he groaned, coming in almost painful contortions all over Snape's face and chest.
Mind completely blank, Harry slumped on the bed, muttering, "Oh my fucking god..." He didn't care if his Muggle roots were showing with his words or if Snape would comment on his swearing. He was boneless, unable to move, knowing nothing but Snape's gentle touch still on his prick.
He could feel Snape lean closer to rest his head against his thigh and reached out with a trembling hand to touch his hair. There was something sticky sliding through his fingers, not simply the greasy strands of Snape's hair, and he just had to say it again, "Oh my god, Snape."
There were so many things he wanted to say right now, but couldn't form anything more coherent than that. And maybe it was enough.
When he could breathe more or less steadily, he sat up again, staring at Snape with wondrous joy. He didn't say anything, just slipped on the floor next to him and kissed him.
"You're all messy," he whispered, kissing Snape again. "And now I'm all messy too." He kind of liked messy, especially this kind.
Snape kissed him back with hunger that startled even him. "How true."
"So maybe we should take a shower and I can wash your hair and you can then shag me against the tiles." Harry smiled. "Masturbating in your shower was indeed fun, but I want more. Like shagging till I squeal."
It never ceased to amaze Snape how easy it was to feel amusement in a situation like this. "That should not take much effort on my part." Harry was always enthusiastic in bed, making happy and demanding noises.
"I like the sound of that," Harry said, his voice muffled as he pulled his shirt off. "Now take off your clothes and let's make some more happy memories from here."
Closing his eyes, Snape couldn't believe how accurately Harry could interpret his actions. "That would be acceptable." He couldn't wait to peel the rest of Harry's clothes off and then run his hands all over his naked body. Naked, wet body.
He didn't know where all the pain and anger had gone, but there was such satisfaction in being with Harry that he didn't even question their absence.
They managed to get messier before finally washing away all the traces of mutual passion, neither slipping in the slippery shower even though it had been close a few times. It gave Snape the opportunity to make scathing comments about foolish Gryffindors and Harry to respond with a grin, so both were quite satisfied with the whole thing.
After they got dressed, things turned less cordial.
"I have to go and see Dumbledore. Order business," Harry said curtly.
Snape knew he would have to go back to the Headmaster's office sooner or later as well. Preferably later.
He allowed Harry to leave first, knowing that he needed to see Albus more than he did; important Order business had to come before any personal needs.
With Harry, his lighter mood seemed to disappear as well, leaving him to stare at the door for a long time before turning to face the rest of the room. His living room, his home that was not really his anymore.
He glared at the potions cupboard, pushing foolish contemplations out of his mind. He had work to do and would have to concentrate on packing his most important belongings with care and not dwell on something he couldn't change. Moving with precision, he saw to his vials and ingredients, finishing with them and his most precious books and then leaving the rest to the house elves.
The corridors were empty as he walked to the Headmaster's office, a fact he was glad of. Forcing even the resemblance of a polite expression his colleagues might expect to see on his face would be far too hard. He had spent years schooling his face to show nothing but calmness and obedience, but there was no reason for him to hold a control over his anger right now.
"Phoenix!" he barked out and then let the staircase carry him up.
Dumbledore's door was already open, as if inviting anyone in. Snape sneered at that; such a nice illusion.
The ancient Headmasters in the paintings were all awake, babbling frantically about something. Snape could hear a familiar name whispered with outrage, and this time there was pride in the sneer. It seemed like Harry could be a complete Gryffindor even while dealing with Albus Dumbledore, saying things that weren't really accepted in a polite society.
"Ah, Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, looking up from the tabby cat curled on his lap. "Come on in." He gestured at the chair on the other side of the small table.
The room was back to its old self, comfortable couches and chairs here and there; the large table and the chairs surrounding it was gone.
Snape didn't bother to slam the door shut behind him, he walked to the appointed chair and sat down, raising an eyebrow at the empty cup already waiting for him there. He wondered if Albus had spent the whole day waiting for him to come back. He certainly hoped so.
Keeping his expression neutral, he watched the cat uncurl in Dumbledore's lap and then butt her head against the hand still raised to run over her back. Only his eyes showed his amusement.
The cat held her tail proudly high as she walked out of the Headmaster's office with dignity.
"Minerva."
She didn't look at him, but from the way her fur bristled, it was clear she heard him well. The door slammed shut behind her.
Snape could feel the mood shift immediately from slightly melancholy to expectant.
"Severus." Dumbledore leaned forward, grabbing the teapot as if it was a reflex by now. "I'm glad you decided to come back."
"Yes." Not about to offer anything, Snape watched as Dumbledore poured him tea.
He didn't know why he was here or what was the point of this conversation. Leaving the room earlier with angry words and glares should have made his opinion clear already.
"I..." Letting the soft syllable fade out and die, Dumbledore shook his head and took a sip from his cup.
There were dozens of things Snape could have said, but he chose to simply sit there, arms crossed over his chest and staring at the teacup he wasn't going to pic up from the table.
Grabbing a parchment from the thin air, Dumbledore muttered. "Here are several options if you need a safe place to stay in..." He didn't even bother to finish that, knowing his offer wouldn't be necessary.
Snape stared at the old wizard who had once given him everything he'd ever needed. There had always been a price to pay, but he'd been willing to hand over anything that was asked.
He remembered Harry once asking how he'd felt towards Dumbledore. It was one question he would never have a simple answer to. Mixed with gratitude and reverence bordering on worship was a world of hatred and suspicion. He could see clearly where Albus was going to.
Manipulative bastard? Definitely, but he was also an excellent strategist. And moments like these, Snape was forced to admit that he was just a man, like anyone else in the world.
"That will not be necessary." Shaking his head, he kept his voice level. He couldn't believe he was making this choice, hated the fact that Dumbledore was even giving him the chance. It would have been so much simpler if it had been an order. "I will be staying with Potter."
It was surprising how easy it was to say it after all.
Dumbledore didn't say anything, he only nodded. He looked old and weary, and the way he sank even deeper into his chair seemed like a gesture for comfort.
"Was there anything else?" No matter how he might have wanted to, Snape couldn't say it harshly. This was a farewell, and even if by some miracle he was one day invited to return to Hogwarts as a teacher, things would never be the same again.
"No," Dumbledore said quietly. He watched Snape get to his feet and walk to the door before adding with a strangely hesitant voice, "Severus... Faced with your choice, I believe I might have let Minerva die."
The words came as a complete surprise. Snape spun around in shock to see the one thing he never expected to witness; Albus Dumbledore was looking at him with naked desperation in his eyes. He wanted to take that desperation away, tell him that he wouldn't have, that he would have saved her and everything would have been all right.
Instead, he tilted his head slightly. Albus was right, he always was; he was a legend too and his personal myth was just as complicated and confining as Harry's could be. "I know."
This might have been a game, one more trick up the old wizard's sleeve. Albus had guided him into becoming the perfect spy, had pushed Harry to the unwanted position as the greatest hero in their world and it had all been a part of his plan, but somehow Snape couldn't believe this was as calculated.
"You may be a better man than I am." Dumbledore looked down as he said it.
A genuine smile spread to Snape's lips. He knew his conscious decision between doing Dumbledore's bidding and going to Harry Potter out of free will ended a bond he'd held on to for decades, but he still couldn't feel real regret or sadness. Albus' words were just another example of the very familiar flamboyance he had to suffer from more than one person these days. "Somehow I doubt that."
Without commenting on the first look of real shock on Albus' face he'd ever managed to cause with his words, Snape turned around and walked out of the Headmaster's office.